The Perfect Bachelorette: We Talkin' Bout Practice!

We dive right into this week’s episode with a news clip from Charlotte featuring the filming of The Bachelorette as top news.  Clearly.  It’s the biggest thing to hit NC since Michael Jordan!

Next, Emily turns to some actresses playing parents of Little Ricki’s friends for moral support before her first date.  They give her some advice that only a close friend/hired actress could provide: “Just be yourself.”  And be herself she will.  NOT.  If there’s one thing Emily continues to prove this week, it’s that she’s very poised and great at saying what people want to hear and giving the “right” answers.  I’m just not seeing much personality. 

Finally we get what we’ve been waiting for: the newly-single Harrison’s explanation to the guys of how the dating works.  It’s complicated – this whole, rose means you stay, no rose means you go home, thing – so it’s a good thing we’ve got our man Harrison around to show us the ropes.  Chris Harrison leaves the guys with the first date card.

One-on-One Date: “Ryan, Be My King in the Queen City.”

The guys try to decipher what the date could mean, and Ryan doesn’t know, so he makes an irrelevant reference to his pastor.  Emily arrives, and the guys drool over her and hope she takes note of their shirtless bods, but Ryan grabs her hand and drags her away.

Ryan’s date is particularly noteworthy because it’s actually the most boring date in Bachelor history!  Emily takes Ryan back to her house to put away groceries and bake cookies because she’s “snack mom” for Rickie’s soccer practice.  This season could be the kiss of death for this show, I tell ya.  Having dates with activities couples might actually do in real life might result in a lasting relationship!  We can’t have that.

After the cookie baking portion of the date, Emily strips her “mom clothes” and puts on her MILF clothes for the dinner and band-no-one’s-heard-of portion of the date.  Once again, nothing happens.  Thick-necked Ryan smiles and nods, talks about how he likes the chase, and predictably is awarded a date rose (likely because of his biceps). 

There are just a few things a little, well, off about this date:

1) Ryan’s Hair.  I’m not sure what look he’s going with.  He was once a football player, and it basically looks like he was left with permanent helmet hair.  It may also be some sort of homage to Kate Gosselin’s do, but Ryan’s hair is really too short to pull it off.  Regardless, Blakeley needs to fix it, STAT.

2) Emily claims to be snack mom for Rickie’s soccer practice, but I’m smelling a date idea fabricated by the interns.  There’s no way Emily was obligated to bring snack after a practice!  Snacks are reserved for game days only.  I don’t know if something’s changed since my days in the little league, but you don’t get a snack after practice.  We ain’t talkin’ bout the game.  We talkin’ bout practice.

3) Ryan missed the part of common sense class where they tell you that if a pretty girl you’re on a date with makes a joke, you laugh.  Back at the car after dropping off the cookies at practice, Emily tells Ryan that they’ll be going to Chuckie Cheese, where he’ll wrangle a bunch of 6 year olds.  He gets a confused look on his face.  When she says she’s kidding, we get sign #1 that these two don’t have much chemistry: he doesn’t even crack a smile!  No laugh!  Come on, buddy.

4) Emily skips the small talk at dinner, to say the least. She’s on a mission to find a husband, and a man who is willing to move his life to her because she is willing to compromise nothing.  All those questions that if I asked any guy on a first date ever, he’d run for the hills?  She asks them.  And she’s hot, so she gets away with it.  She calls Ryan out when he says he loves to pursue, but his answer are enough to get him the date rose.

5) After dinner, the no-name band plays a song with lyrics such as “I should have kissed you,” and “And I kissed you,” that repeat over and over, yet Ryan doesn’t grow a pair and kiss Emily – another sign that the claims that this date has been “perfect” are not so true.  They instead share deep conversation, like “I’m happy you’re here.”

Back at the house during Ryan’s date, the dudes have a staged conversation about whether Ryan will get to meet Rickie that day.  The guys ask Doug—the ultimate authority on child/parent relations, as he claims to be a father—to weigh in, and he says, “No way.  You don’t know if the guy’s a serial killer or what.”  Chris, who Jimmy Kimmel appropriately nicknamed “Craigslist Killer”, manages to play it cool.  What these guys don’t seem to realize is that one of Emily’s main goals in all this is to damage Rickie for life.  One thing’s clear, though; Travis is drinking a beer, and the dragon’s egg is nowhere in sight.

GROUP DATE!!! “Let’s Set the Stage For Love.”

A bunch of guys, some who we recognize, some who we don’t, are selected for this date.  Noticeably absent are hotties Arie and Sean.  Word to the ABC interns: the ladies want more screen time for these two! 

Emily explains to the guys that they’ll be preparing a variety show for charity with . . . The Muppets!  In preparing for the variety show, Charlie, the Token Brain Injury guy, is put on the stand-up comedy team.  He’s been left with several disabilities that he’s working back from, so of course the ABC producers would do something like this.  Unfortunately for the producers who were foaming at the mouths for drama, we have yet another Bachelorette First.  The situation is handled in a mature manner, as adults would handle it.  Emily simply switches Charlie to a different group!  All is right on the group date, and the producers don’t get the meltdown they’d been dreaming of.  At least they still have Stevie to deliver.

Nothing much in the actual variety show stands out aside Chris Harrison and Muppet whose name I don’t know’s commentary about how bad the show is.  They may have been kidding, but they were spot on.  Other Muppet highlights include the Muppets generally, and Rickie being invited on stage in 3 inch Suri Cruise style wedges and pretending to know what the Muppets are. 

On to the poolside cocktail party, where we hopefully get some drama!  Emily breaks out her $1,095 Louboutins—a staple in the wardrobe of all single moms.  The guys just really can’t wait to get some time with Emily.  Craigslist Chris tells us, “There’s a rose on that table.  If I don’t get that rose, I’m going to kill someone.” 

First, though, Emily spends time with Jef.  She clearly has it bad for Jef; she tries to play coy with him, but with his unassuming, cool manner, he runs the show.  I’m not sure if he’s a dating genius who knows exactly how to make Emily want him, or if he’s just super clueless and trying to keep his head above water.  Either way, it’s working.  Emily can’t get enough.

Exhibit A: During the variety show, Jef is asked to propose to Miss Piggy.  He proceeds to give Miss Piggy a thoughtful proposal and show he cares.  However, he did not show this side of himself to Emily, and now that she knows he’s capable of it, she wants it.

Exhibit B: When Emily teasingly confronts Jef for not showing interest, does he dive in and reassure her, as every other man in the history of this show has done?  No.  He turns the tables and says that he doesn’t think she’s showing interest in him.  Emily clearly has a case of wanting what she can’t have (perhaps Ryan should have asked her the same question about ‘the chase’), so she’s digging Jef’s way of playing it cool.

Next, Kalon decides to exercise his strength over the other men in the house with his expansive vocabulary.  Stevie and Emily are sharing some time together that Stevie—for reasons unbeknownst to anyone—seems to think is going well.  Kalon then decides to cut in on their dance, essentially doing Stevie a favor, as that dance had lasted way longer than it should have. 

Kalon says about five words to Emily (all arrogant ones, naturally) before Aaron comes up and tries to cut in.  Kalon, though he may rub some the wrong way, respectfully tells Aaron he literally just started talking to Emily and would like two more minutes.  Aaron decides to make things awkward and refuses to wait.  Somehow, Kalon is able to come out of this looking good, when he says that he won’t put Emily in the position of having to choose between them.  “Have a good time, he’s a great guy,” says Kalon about Aaron.  Total WEB GEM for Kalon!  Great play!

This of course results in Sleezy Stevie, who will not be winning himself any bar mitzvah DJ gigs after how he’s acting on this show, calling Kalon out and telling him, “I don’t like you.”  Kalon proceeds to do the most insulting thing possible to a guy like Stevie: he addresses him as “Brah.”  “I wouldn’t like me either if I were you, Brah.”  Another WEB GEM for the usage of “brah.”  Kalon’s on fire this cocktail party.

After it seems like this date has gone on longer than the sinking of the Titanic (and far more painful), it’s time for the Date Rose.  Despite Charlie’s overcoming his fear and insecurities of public speaking, Emily has it bad for Jef, so he gets the rose.  Please let this episode be over soon!

One-on-One Date: “Joe, Come Close to My Heart.”

Now, when this date went to Joe, and not to the very attractive Sean or Arie who were also waiting, we knew something was up.  Everyone knew Joe was going home the second he came out of the limo all drugged up.  He didn’t help himself when he wore that pink flannel shirt to greet Emily on their date. “There’s a good chance that Joe and I will have fun,” Emily says as they board a plane, but alas, chances weren’t as good as she thought.

Emily informs Joe that the plane will be taking them to her home state of West Virginia, particularly to the Greenbrier Resort.  The Greenbrier appears to be a place where people with money go to spend their money.  It’s where Emily got her first makeover as a small child, so it holds a special place in her heart.  Too bad they didn't give Joe a makeover there too.  Regardless, the Greenbrier seems like a crappy place for a date: it’s got hideous wallpaper, a love clock, and an indoor pool. 

I recall Emily complaining on the After the Final Rose in Brad’s season that she seemed boring because she never got any of the “fun” dates, like zip-lining or anything else fun.  She’s sure not doing much to remedy that image.  The Greenbrier’s fun if you like 100 year old indoor pools, I guess.  A Sandals Resort seems like it’d be more appropriate for Joe and his bad haircut and drug addiction.

Back at the house, we get some staged drama between Kalon and the guys.  This staged drama is of course more interesting than anything we see on Emily and Joe’s date.  Kalon starts talking about how the idea of embracing someone else’s child as his own will be a big step for him.  It’s a bold statement, but at least he’s honest.  Doug, who appears to be this season’s resident Short Fuse, jumps up to defend Little Rickie and talk about his made-up son Austin.  He advises that the other guys really be prepared to be a father. 

Kalon points out that Doug is here on the show and he made the decision to put “that” (i.e., fatherhood) on hold.  Oh, no, he didn’t! Doug dropped everything 13 years ago when he was 20 for his alleged son (who seems to have aged 2 years since last week).  He only did the show because his made-up son suggested that he get out of the house and do more stuff.  (Pretty sure Austin was talking about joining a softball team, Doug, not signing on to a reality show.)  Nevertheless, Doug shows his reality star power when he breaks out the phrase, “Stop right there. Just check it.”  Using it not once, but twice?  WEB GEM!  Great play by Doug.

And what just happened at the house was a thousand times more entertaining than anything we get on the date.  Joe and Emily, in a gorgeous pink dress, head off to dinner.  At dinner, of course, Emily dives into the hard questions, asking Joe where he sees himself in five years.  When the best he can come up with is, “Well uh, ummm, I’ll start a life,” it’s clear that’s not going to cut it for Emily. 

Time to send Joe back to the Creek.  But to send him home without first making a wish in the love clock just wouldn’t be right!  He wishes for him to come back to the Greenbrier with her and Little Rickie.  Immediately after, Emily tells him he’s going home.  Emily’s such a class act to let him make a love wish before he got kicked off the show. 

While we wish he’d given Hunger Games a nod and concluded his sendoff with a parting goodbye of, “Thank you for your consideration,” he instead went with the standard interview parting, “It was a great opportunity, thanks so much.”  We’ll miss ya, Dawson!  Emily hangs her head as she watches the firework that they were meant to enjoy together, but it’s not quite that balcony scene we were all hoping for.

ROSE PARTY TIME!!!

At the Rose Party, we finally get to feast our eyes on Arie.  Arie tells Emily a little about life in Scottsdale, then asks her about her hobbies.  She doesn’t have any.  While some men might be a bit turned off by a woman with no actual interests of her own (you’d think she has some free time while Rickie is at school or soccer practice), Arie embraces it and tells her how he used to date a woman with two children.  Great move by Arie.  #winning

Tony knows it’s crucial for him to get time with Emily, whereas ponytail Michael just doesn’t care.  Tony is going to stage a Cut In on Ryan.  Little does he know, Ryan has worked out the perfect defense against the Cut In.  When you see it coming, present the Bachelorette with a gift!  WEB GEM NOMINEE!  How has it taken a combined 21 seasons of this show for this to happen?

Tony was forced to wait awkwardly while Emily read Ryan’s gift, which was actually a note.  It seemed like the perfect defense until it was revealed that Ryan’s note was actually 7 pages long!  What the . . . ?   Ryan wins the award for Realistic Guy Behavior this week.  When I’ve had one date with a guy, I’m lucky to get a follow-up text, let alone a 7 page handwritten love note. 

It takes approximately 15 minutes for Emily to read the note, and it concludes with “Love in Christ, Ryan.”  Ryan is definitely playing the church angle to win Emily’s heart.  But he shouldn’t have written a 7 page note.  He should have stuck with “You’re so beautiful, I’m so nervous.”  It would have effectively put off the Cut In, and not made him look like a lunatic.

Tony finally gets time with her and immediately cuts to the chase: “I have a son named Taylor.”  His eyes are bloodshot, revealing that he’s probably been hitting up Alejandro the Drug Lord a time or two.  But Emily digs the fact that he has a son. 

Kalon then gets his time with Emily.  “Do you listen to Phil Collins?” he asks, “I’m a huge fan.  Sussudio is my favorite.”  They bond over being the same age and having the same lip injections.  Kalon goes on to talk about how it’s hard for him to relate to women his age because he’s so mature.  Right.  Guys who are actually mature don’t say crap like that.

Just when I thought I was about to gauge my eyes out with a spoon, Chris Harrison emerges in a mind-blowing plaid on plaid combo.  He clinks that champagne flute and it’s time for the roses.  Parting ways with Emily this week will be Aaron, whose extra two minutes with Em apparently didn’t do the job, and Kyle, who looks like Aaron, but other than that we don’t know who he is.  Stevie somehow is sticking around, clearly at the advice of the ABC interns.  We need all the drama we can get this season.

Emily whines to the remaining guys about how hard it is to send guys home, then proposes a toast.  “I can raise my glass higher than everyone!” says Kalon. 

Next week looks like a week full of drama, including a dead dragon’s egg, a date with the Craigslist Killer, and the woman who inspired Emily’s boob job Dolly Parton!  But will Michael or Nate actually talk to Emily?  Only time will tell!  Until then, xoxo.

The Perfect Bachelorette: The Minorities Strike Back

It’s been 2 months and I can still hear Chris Harrison’s melodious voice, just as I do in my dreams.  This season of The Bachelorette promises to be different from any other—the most controversial season yet, of course, and likely the most dramatic!  Wow.  

We dive right in to meet our new Bachelorette, Emily Maynard.  For those who don’t have eyes, Emily is perfect-looking.  However, she’s got a very sad backstory.  As we all know, back in 2004, Emily’s ex-fiance Ricky Hendricks died in a plane crash.  Emily had skipped the flight because she felt sick.  Several days later, she found out she was pregnant with Ricky’s daughter.  It was the best news of her life, and obviously, she chose to name her daughter Ricky.

Fastforward to 2012, Emily is now ready to find the perfect father figure for Little Ricky.  And there’s only one way to do that when you’re as perfect looking as Emily: go on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.  She’s got everything else in life: a “sugar family” that makes sure she has a nice mansion and SUV to cart Little Ricky around and a newly minted boob job to help attract gentleman.  The only thing missing?  A father figure for Ricky/man to procreate with.  And go!

Two seasons ago on The Bachelor, Emily did find love with Brad Womack, who was operating under the advice of Dr. Jamie.  However, ABC put a hold on Dr. Jamie’s paycheck, leaving Womack to think and act on his own, and their relationship unraveled.  Emily was back at square one.

What has Emily been up to since Brad’s season?  Contemplating, of course!  However, she’s bypassed usual contemplation activities like jogging in a sports bra.  Instead, she’s driving Little Ricky and her buddies around, making pancakes while looking perfect, and seeing to it that Ricky has more throw pillows on her bed than your average 56 year old cat lady.  She’s also taken up horseback riding, at the suggestion of ABC’s prized intern, who knew Emily needed a few more hobbies.

After all this, Emily knows the Bachelor/Bachelorette process can work.  She knows that she has it in her to fall in love again.  It’s a huge risk for her, but she, like many singe mothers out there, is tired of just being engaged.  Being married is where it’s at. Again, all logic here points to going on a reality TV show to find love.  Good decision, Emily. 

After our 6 minute intro (yes, this was only 6 minutes—thank goodness Dancing With the Stars cut this week’s episode down to 90 minutes from the usual 2 hours), we finally get a glimpse of Chris Harrison in all his skinny tie glory.    Chris reminds us again that this season will be different from others.  Not only will it leave us with a couple that breaks up after six months; it will leave a young child with a need for a lifetime of therapy. 

Chris wastes no time and introduces us to a few of the gentlemen.  The winner is likely in this bunch, but as my friend with an oh-so-sharp memory pointed out, Ed Swiderski won Jillian’s season and his hometown video was not featured. 

Kalon, 27, Luxury Brand Consultant

Kalon describes himself as a young, fun, good-looking guy with a few extra dollars in his life.  He was once a womanizer, but now describes himself as down-to-earth.  Most down-to-earth men do talk about how they have extra money lying around, so this makes sense.  He works at the Mont Blanc pen store.  What Kalon doesn’t tell us, but is obvious to viewers, is that his role model in life is Scot Disick.  Look for the cane to make an appearance next week.

More concerning is that I won't be entirely surprised when this obsession with elitism takes a turn for the worst, and he starts telling Emily about his love for Phil Collins and Sussudio.  The Patrick Bateman resemblance is uncanny.

Ryan, 31, Pro Sports Trainer

All we are meant to take away from Ryan’s segment is that he contemplates with his dog and he works with children.  This, combined with his chiseled features and muscular bod, confirms that he is the perfect man to be Ricky’s father.

Tony, 30, Lumber Salesman

Tony had me until, “What has two thumbs and is gonna marry Emily?  This guy.”  His five-year old son has a better chance at finding love with Little Ricky than this schmuck does with Emily.

Token Minority, 29, Real Estate Consultant

STOP THE PRESSES.  This minority whose name doesn’t matter is looking for a “partner” and has a fu-fu dog.   Questionable whether he is here for Emily, or for women in general.  We know he’s getting cut this episode, but it was nice of ABC to feature his hometown video, in the face of the impending lawsuit that they discriminate against minorities.

David, 33, Singer/Songwriter

David considers himself to be on the cutting edge of music and a lyrical genius.  His songs feature such thought-provoking lines as “Emily, Emily, ooooh Emily.”  If you’re interested in hearing his work firsthand, stop by the Monroe red line subway stop on weekdays around 5 pm.  It’s a stepping stone along the way to the high-class Lake stop, but he’s working his way up.

Charlie, 32, Token Brain Injury Guy

Charlie is a recruiter who was in an accident where he fell off a balcony.  He sustained a lot of brain injuries and other injuries.  He seems like a nice guy, but something went seriously wrong in his thought process when he said, “I may have had a head injury, but there’s nothing wrong with my heart.” 

Jef, 27, Entrepreneur

Jef says that people don’t take him seriously because of the way he dresses and acts, and he likes being underestimated.  He’s right.   His dropping the second ‘f’ doesn’t help, either.  My initial inclination is to dislike this skateboarding tool, and his haircut leads me to believe he might have goons like Biff and Billy Zane chasing after him.  But, he goes on to talk about his bottled water company, which donates a portion of proceeds to make sure people around the world have clean water, and he seems fairly normal.  Learn more about his company here: http://www.peoplewater.com/

Arie, 30, Token Racecar Driver

Arie wanted to date Emily, and knew he’s be a lock to get cast on this show if he was a racecar driver.  Well played.  He easily predicted that ABC would be so low as to pull a stunt like casting a racecar driver on Emily’s season.  And thank goodness they did, or this show might actually be about finding love and not about exploiting Emily!

With that, Chris welcomes Emily to the posh new pad the interns found in North Carolina.  Emily steps out in a lovely dress stolen from the Dancing With the Stars dressing room.  They chat for a bit, but my friends and I know that we’re better off eating and discussing our Molly’s cupcakes than actually listening to any of the crap these two talk about.  We do briefly discuss how Emily is perfect looking.  Yes, she is the dream woman: perfect looking, no real personality and won’t stand up to you, likes making pancakes, and is willing to get multiple boob jobs.  Every man’s dream.  Plus, she comes with a kid!  Yahoo!

A mere 30 minutes in, it’s time for Emily to meet the guys!  Rather than the usual recap, we’ll recap with the usual highlights and superlative awards for the evening.

Most Likely to be Featured on the Cover of OUT Magazine: Toss up between Token Minority and his fu-fu dog, or Jackson, our resident fitness model and pink shirt wearer.  He disproved several scientific theories hypothesizing that it wasn’t possible for a man to wear that much pink. 

Most in Need of an Intervention: Joe clearly snorted a few lines before exiting the limo.  Nothing else could explain that level of excitement and yelling of, “EMILY!!!!!” all while doing some horrible jig (or maybe that was trying not to pee his pants).

Does Emily Have a Personality? Moment: Aaron, the nerdy/sexy high school biology teacher tells Emily that he’s a biology teacher, but he’s here to have chemistry with her.  She responds, “I think I failed both, so I have a lot to learn.”  Clearly, the interns were holding up cue cards behind the camera.

You Haven’t Been Listening to Enough Carly Rae Jepsen When . . . :  . . . you roll in carrying a boom box that is not playing Carly Rae!  Come, on, Stevie, you could have nailed that entrance with a little Call Me Maybe.  Instead, you looked like a fool in your green shirt.   I’m not even going to get started as to where he got that boombox.

Worst Use of Inanimate Object: Tony, one of our resident single fathers, fails to realize that Emily only wears Louboutins and Manolos with the money she receives from her Sugar Family.  Giving her a glass slipper that doesn’t have a red sole isn’t going to cut it, buddy.  NEXT. 

The Amber “Baconator” Award for Over-sharing: John tells Emily that all his good friends call him “Wolf.”  Sorry, John.  I think Emily will be calling you John, if she even remembers your name at all.

You Know You’ve Been Watching Too Much Game of Thrones When . . . :  . . . you bring a Dragon’s Egg to the mansion.  Travis brings a dragon’s egg and tells Emily that he will be caring for the egg like he would for her and Rickie.  I have a feeling that might backfire when he gets picked for the bungee jumping date.

Get Blakeley Here Stat Award: Michael, whose hair is long, would be HOT if he got a haircut.  Where’s the resident hair stylist when we need her?!

Token Minority: Not who you think.  This one goes to Jean-Paul, the marine biologist.  My friend astutely pointed out that his haircut matches her Dad’s haircut.  Sorry, Jean-Paul, but you don’t want to go on The Bachelorette when you’re most likely to be mistaken for the Bachelorette’s father. 

Guy To Whom Chris and the Crew of Producers Will Grant “Immunity”: Alejandro, Alejandro, Ale-ale-jandro is a “mushroom farmer” whose online profile indicates that he originates from Medellin, Colombia.  Let’s just say that Pablo Escobar as portrayed by Vinnie Chase in Medellin is his hero.  Chris and the guys are hoping Alejandro can keep them supplied right up until hometown dates. 

Best Execution of Introduction: Ryan’s sign that said “You’re so beautiful” and “I’m so nervous” as fake “notes” for him to remember melted Emily’s heart.  It was cheesy, but it worked, OH IT WORKED!

Lamest Entrance: Those that stood out as exceptionally lame (aside from the boombox) are the guy who dressed as his grandma and Kalon who rode in on a poor man’s helicopter.   Lamest has got to go to the helicopter!  I guess it’s a good way to show how down-to-earth you are.

Most Obvious Absence of the Evening: Womack? Nah.  Bentley?  Nope.  Dr. Jamie?!?!?!  Always sad he’s not there.  Conspicuously absent this evening was Little Rickie.  How is she going to be permanently traumatized by all this if she doesn’t even get to come along for the ride???

Craftiest Way to Secure the First Impression Rose:  Force one of the ABC interns with bad handwriting to write a note about how great a father you are, then give the note to Emily and claim you have an 11-year old son named Austin who wrote the note.  Don’t forget to drop in that you have “full custody” of alleged son.  This was pulled off like a man who truly knows he has nothing to offer this woman, but knows to relate to her by claiming he also has a son.  Until we see Austin’s birth certificate, I refuse to believe he exists. 

Most Likely to Cry Over a Balcony: I expect we’ll see a lot of balcony tears this season.  All of the interns will be pushing to get the long-locked Michael to that balcony scene.  His hair blowing in the wind will make for a balcony outburst unlike any other.

Most Likely to Own the Complete Series of Dawson's Creek on DVD: Yes, the coke-addict Joe clearly resembles Dawson.  BUT, the person most likely to own the full series has got to be Chris Harrison.  You can just tell he loves the Creek.

Most Like a Modern Day Shakespeare, Only Sexier: David wishes.  Before he gets this label, he's going to have to prove there's more to his lyrics than "Emily, Emily, Oh Emily."

Best Spin on “Not the Right Reasons” Accusation: Sean, the resident Dutch Boy, interrupted Kalon’s time with Emily by asking Kalon if he minded if he interrupted.  Kalon responded, “Of course I mind,” but he stepped aside.  Stevie could not believe Kalon would say such a thing!  How dare Kalon want to spend time with the Bachelorette!?  Doesn’t he know the rules of the cut-in!?  Stevie laid down the law and accused Kalon of ill-will towards the other contestants, the perfect segway into accusing him of not being there for the Right Reasons.

Best Fake Job: Luxury Brand Consultant is a great euphemism for Trust Fund Baby.

Most in Need of a Session with Dr. Jamie: It’s gotta be the bobblehead of Emily.  Did anyone see that thing?  It didn’t look a thing like her!  It needs a boost of confidence from the Doctor!  Not helping is the fact that Charlie, who created the bobblehead, claims he’s 25, but looks like he may be 40. 

Before He Came Into My Life, I Missed Him So Bad!  I Missed Him So Bad!  I Missed Him So So Bad!: Definitely Jef.  Jef gets my first impression rose, that’s for sure.  Despite his hair and that it’s very questionable whether he has hit puberty, he was sweet and genuine towards Emily.  He asked her how she was doing and didn’t rely on some gimmick to get to know her, though his skateboard definitely got her attention.  It was clear that he was genuine about getting to know her. 

Most Likely to Find Love: Little Rickie is sure to find love with Tony’s five year old son, with the alleged son of Doug, or with one of the 41-year-old’s six children.

Shockingly Seems to be There for The Right Reasons: Arie the racecar driver dove right in and asked Emily how she felt about him being a racecar driver.  He was honest, and actually seemed to care.  Lucky for him, all Emily cares about is her Sugar Family, and she is totally fine with dating racecar drivers—including Dale Earnhardt, Jr.  All that’s necessary is that you look hot while driving the race car!

After all that, Chris Harrison comes out and clinks the champagne glass, indicating that it’s time for the ROSE CEREMONY!!!  As viewers, we do not care, seeing as we hardly even know these guys, but hey, we can sit through the 7 minute ceremony to get to the previews for the upcoming season.  All the predictable guys get sent home: the 41 year old, the guy who my friends and I mistaked for Emily’s dad, the OUT Magazine fitness model, the Token Minority, and a couple others we didn’t remember anyway.

Here’s to finding love in Charlotte . . . and to hoping that it really is Kalon who calls Little Ricky “baggage”!  Most controversial season ever!

Until next week, XOXO.

Tracking People's Sexiest Man Alive - Spring Preview

It’s May, the birds are chirping, People Magazine just released it’s “Most Beautiful People” issue, so at this point we only have one big thing to look forward to: SEXIEST MAN ALIVE. Why wait until November to think about the year’s most prestigious award?  The past winners are making stupid movies like “We Bought a Zoo” or going and getting themselves arrested, so it’s time to look to the field for the real contenders.  With several months under our belt we’ve already got some strong contenders and, of course, some Cinderella picks attempting to define “sexy” in 2012.   Let’s review.

First, our Top Contenders:


Gosling

Is there even a question?  His stubble, his hipster style, his arms, his photo-shopped abs define sexy.  After the street riots that occurred last year after Bradley Cooper was named SMA, one message was made clear:  the people wanted Gosling.  Not even Cooper’s love for his mother or knowledge of the French language could hold a candle to the essence of Gosling.

The god among mortals hasn’t actually made any movies since last year’s trifecta of Crazy Stupid Love, Drive, and The Ides of March, but that doesn’t mean he’s not bringing sexy full force.  While gracing the concrete jungle of Manhattan with his presence this spring, he saved a Londoner from walking into the street in the face of an oncoming car!  The woman looked the wrong way before crossing the street, and Gosling held her back and said, “Watch out!”  Women in NYC immediately started throwing themselves into oncoming traffic in the hopes that Gosling would come to their rescue, but no such luck.  But who can blame them?

When he’s not saving women from death, he’s been working on a new movie Gangster Squad set to be released on 2012.  Kudos to Gosling for strategically releasing his movie in time to boost his SMA campaign.  With smarts like this, you can bet he’ll be dumping that dead weight Eva Mendes so he’s single in time to accept the award as well.  He’s also working on a movie called Only God Forgives.  Only one thing is certain: there’s no way God is forgiving his sinister good looks.  He’s a safer bet then Mayweather over Cotto in tonight’s fight!

Why he’ll win: He has proved to be . . . a real human being . . . and a real hero.

Why he won’t win: He doesn’t need it!  Part of Gosling’s essence is to fly under the radar, and by accepting SMA, he’d be putting himself in the spotlight.  No doubt it’ll be offered to him, but I'd be surprised if he'd accept it.


 DiCaprio

Believe it or not, he hasn’t won it yet.  He’s certainly made headlines for himself over the past year by dating Blake Lively, but he’s got a big year ahead.  He appeared in Titanic 3D this year, and he’ll have The Great Gatsby coming out in December 2012.  This is a tad late for the announcement of the SMA, but perhaps the anticipation could work in his favor.

Why he’ll win: Recognition for the past, for Titanic.

Why he won’t win: Let’s face it.  Leo has gone downhill since he was in his prime, in Titanic.  He’ll never be that fresh-faced 22 year old again.


Daniel Craig

One word: Bond.  With Skyfall, the 23^rd James Bond installment, releasing in November, following his role in Dragon Tattoo this past winter, Craig is practically a lock.  Plus, how else can you follow up Bradley Cooper’s eyes, which won last year’s SMA?  The only man in Hollywood whose eyes come close to comparing is Craig.

Why he’ll win: Shaken. Not stirred.

Why he won’t win: He’s a married man, off the market.  It may not work in his favor, but if Gosling turns the award down, it’s going to this dude.

Now, our Cinderella Contenders:


Channing Tatum

When you have two last names, you are already defying humanity.  This year, Channing has proved there’s nothing he can’t do.  He’s done romantic comedies with The Vow, he’s done comedy with 21 Jump Street, and he’s got an action movie coming out with a sequel to G.I Joe that I certainly won’t be seeing.  He’s also got a movie called Magic Mike coming out, where he’ll likely be shirtless the entire movie.  A man after Matthew McConaughey's heart.  But is it enough to win SMA?  The average age of the SMA is 39, and Tatum is only 32.  He’s got plenty of good years ahead of him.  If our frontrunners all turn the honor down, Channing is your man by default.

Why he’ll win: He’s up and coming and he’s all over the place.  He could use this to promote his career, and there’s no way he’d turn it down.

Why he won’t win: He’s got a bright future ahead of him, so many more years where this award could come his way.  Plus, I’ve heard The Vow is no Dear John.


Tupac’s Hologram

Tupac’s hologram, which performed alongside Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre at Coachella recently, made history.  (For those who aren’t aware, Coachella fronts as a music festival, but is mainly an excuse for celebrities to dress like hippies and for men to wear gross tank tops.  I have yet to really see the appeal, but with a J. Crew wardrobe, I’m not exactly the target audience.)  Tupac’s Hologram will certainly have the odds stacked against it.  First, there has only been one African-American winner of the award in the past.  Second, no musician has ever been awarded SMA.  As if that’s not enough, there’s an even bigger barrier standing in this hologram’s way: there has never been a posthumous Sexiest Man Alive award.  After all, “alive” is part of the title of the award.  However, there have never been holograms performing songs and name-dropping concerts that started 3 years after their death before either.  History-making.  Don’t count the hologram out just yet.

Why he’ll win: Revolutionary.  But let's hope no one ever does it again or we'll have a few too many reunion tours.

Why he won’t win: He’s not exactly . . . alive.


Chris Harrison

The host with it all is now single.  And I don't mean Ryan Seacrest.  I'm talking about the man who makes watching The Bachelor bearable.   In fact, finding love is now a possibility on The Bachelor.  In previous seasons, the named Bachelor never stood a chance because Chris Harrison is a thousand times more attractive, and ten thousand times more articulate, than any Bachelor could ever hope to be.  The Bachelor could never live up to what Chris has to offer a woman.  And now, Chris is single, so you know the ladies will have ulterior motives for going on the show (ulterior motives beyond traveling and fun, I mean--finding love with Chris would take a close second to such motives, whereas finding love with The Bachelor would take a distant third).  He’ll need time to recover from his divorce, of course, but November could be the perfect time to put himself back on the market!

Why he’ll win: The Bachelor is headed down the tube, so ABC may well be willing to pay off People Magazine for his win.

Why he won’t win: Divorce might be a bit too fresh.

It’s only May, and we’ve already got a strong field making it’s way forward!  Of course, don’t discount past winners like Brad Pitt from trying to make a surge come October.  You know the Pitt-Jolie wedding and possibly another adoption will be timed perfectly with the naming of this year’s Sexiest Man Alive.  Bond and Gosling better watch their backs.

The Tweet Heard Round the World and Other Stories Better Than This Week's Bachelor Finale

I know what you’re thinking. You’ve already lost three hours of your life sitting through that boring finale show, so you don’t want to lose too much more time reading a blog about it. I’ll try to keep this short. And I’m sorry about taking so long to get the blog up this week. I wanted you to have something to read at halftime of March Madness games (which I’m sure everyone reading a Bachelor blog is watching).

Anyway, you’re going to have to read to (or skip to) the end to hear the story of My Tweet Gone Viral. And to see some more pictures of me and my adorable siblings from our travels in Europe. Many who know my sister these days appreciate that she is always on the cutting edge of fashion. As you can see from the picture above, even as a small child, my sister kept her finger on the pulse when it came to haute couture. Just like I clearly kept my finger on the pulse when it came to bad haircuts.

I didn’t know what to expect for the most controversial Bachelor finale ever. We’ve seen some controversy on this show, but even my DVR knew the show would be intense when its description was “Ben has one more woman to dispose of.” Yikes. Was Ben going to murder Lindzi? Nah. I was expecting nothing short of Ben rejecting both girls, and letting them know he’d be taking Jamie up on her offer to continue dating him. That didn’t happen. And Ben didn't kill Lindzi either. In fact, nothing controversial at all happened, unless you consider montages of Ben contemplating controversial.

At this point, Ben has narrowed it down to two women in his search for love, and it’s time for The Decision. Certainly, it’s as big if not bigger than Lebron James’ summer 2010 Decision to take his talents to Miami. Ben will be inviting either Courtney or Lindzi to take her talents to Sonoma. So, he does what any man in his situation would do: he first takes them to Zermatt, Switzerland, where he will select one to propose to, and select one to send to Dumpsville. All to the tune of David Gray.

We start with Ben staring towards the Matterhorn. But he's not just staring; he's contemplating. It’s an unwritten rule on this show that, when in view of the Matterhorn, one must contemplate. So Ben contemplates his relationships with his two girlfriends. Ben sees pros and cons with both ladies. But does he fully intend to get down on one knee and propose to one of them the next day, despite being torn over what to do merely one day prior? Yes. Yes, he does.

Ben’s Family Meets Ben’s Suitors

Ben’s mother and sister, who both look exactly like him and part their hair exactly like him, have been flown into Switzerland so they can pretend to approve of the girl he’ll be embarking on a four-month engagement with. If there was one person whose hair I’d want to emulate, it’d definitely be Ben Flajnik, though, so I can’t blame them. Who am I kidding, though? It'd be an improvement over my childhood hair.

Ben debriefs his family, but both meetings are relatively uneventful. Winning the “mom card” is clearly an important battle for the women, as Ben claims to care what his family thinks. Both women bring their A-game: Lindzi fumbles with her silverwear and says she loves Ben, and Courtney smiles sweetly and lies that she made efforts with the other women. Point goes to Courtney.

The mother and sister clearly loved Lindzi, who gave an eloquent answer when put on the spot about Courtney’s behavior, but knew Ben’s heart was with Courtney, and told him they’d be accepting of his decision of he chose her. Ben’s mom didn’t really seem to say much, but did nod a lot. Ben’s been mailing it in all season. Let’s be honest; it was a surprise that his family even bothered to show up. It should be noted that no hummingbirds were present. The interns really dropped the ball on that one.

Ben and Lindzi’s Ski Date

How fun must it be for Ben to go out with Lindzi and treat her like he’s interested in her, when he’s totally into someone else? Super fun, is the answer. And even more fun for Lindzi. Given Lindzi’s horse obsession, what better way to see Switzerland than a horse-drawn carriage? (Well, a helicopter would have been better, but they save that for the woman he’s picking.)

Ben and Lindzi have nice, easy conversation about how much fun they’re having, but the problem is, Ben and Lindzi have yet to have a real conversation. She just says vulnerable a few times, and they make out. It’s the perfect junior high relationship.

Ben informs Lindzi that he’ll be taking her skiing, because the interns told him she’d always wanted to go! On their ride up the mountain in a Swiss gondola, Lindzi asked Ben if he could see an “us” in their future. Ben, noble and respectful man that he is, lies and tells her that he could. “I could see ‘us’ . . . breaking up,” he thinks.

They ski down the mountain in some sort of weird, wrestling hold, and Ben continues to pretend to be into Lindz. It’s painful to watch, so I don’t! I chat with my friends about how dumb the show is instead. Much more fulfilling.

On to the dinner portion of the night! Lindzi is pulling out all the stops. She tells Ben that she is not 1, but 200% vulnerable. Wow. Little did she know, Ben needed her to be 300% vulnerable. She continues to turn on the charm, telling Ben she loves him and that she’s never been so sure of someone. Usually it’s a red flag when the person you say that to just nods. But not on The Bachelor! Lindzi tried, but viewers knew that not even naked snow angels with Ben could have saved her!

Ben and Courtney’s Snow Angel Date

At this point we’re wondering why we even have to sit through these dates. Ben clearly has made his decision. His decision was made in Puerto Rico. I’d rather watch more Avengers promotions, featuring Chris Evans’ abs at their finest.

Courtney starts her date by saying that she’s not that concerned about Lindzi, because she hasn’t seen that she has much depth. Truly spoken like a woman who is sorry for how she treated the other women.

Ben takes Courtney for a majestic helicopter ride over the mountains, where Ben points out that their relationship is also progressing to new heights, and they land at a glacier. No analogy of their relationship to the glacier. At the glacier, Courtney thinks it’s cool that the snow has never been walked on. Guess she doesn’t see the footprints of interns who set up their picnic all over the snow. They make baby talk to each other, go sledding, make snow angels, and it’s clear who owns Ben’s heart.

At dinner, Courtney gives Ben a journal filled with pictures that the producers put together for her. Ben, thinking she did it herself, is touched. My prediction that she'd give him a lingerie journal was close, but no cigar. We probably just didn't see that part. She gives a note to Ben, and it’s actually very thoughtful and sweet. It must just be a pre-written spare note that Chris keeps on hand for situations like these.

Contemplation Time

Now that the dates are over, it’s time for everyone to contemplate. The Decision is coming faster than Ben had ever imagined, after all. Remember, contemplating in Zermatt is best done in sight of the Matterhorn. The ladies both wake up and open their curtains to view the mountain. They contemplate. Ben also contemplates.

Dr. Jamie, dressed as Neil Lane, comes to give Ben a ring to help fulfill his contractual obligations. My friends and I fastforward. This night has been long and boring enough.

Although he was torn the morning before, Ben’s contemplation has done the job. Couldn't have done it without the mountain. He has now figured out who he wants to spend the next four months of his life with. It’s a good thing he takes engagement and proposal very seriously. He never thought he’d get this far, even though he is contractually obligated to get this far.

"Monumental Mountain, Monumental Moment" (That Douche Ben Actually Said That . . . )

The two ladies board helicopters to be taken to the mountaintop that Ben climbed up to, where he awaits to propose. But there’s no tension as to what’s going to happen next. The only tension is whether, once Lindzi arrives at the altar, she’ll receive a text from Ben that reads: “Babe, welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.” One can only dream.

Lindzi arrives first, wearing her best black tie funeral outfit, and lucky for her, Ben is well-versed in break-up speeches. She starts chatting, and it’s clear Ben is not excited to see her. He tells her, “I’ve fallen in love with you, and, ummmmm, aaaahhhh, but I need those moments to last a lifetime, and I’ve found that with someone else.” How eloquent. He always knows just the words to let the women down gently. It's only slightly less offensive than a break-up text. I’ll have to use that line next time I’m breaking up with a guy. “I’ve fallen in love with you, but uh, yeah. This is over.”

Ben sugarcoats things the best way he can, telling Lindzi that this is the hardest thing he’s ever done. He asks her if he can walk her out, where she’ll be able to celebrate this little victory in the helicopter. Lindzi doesn’t actually seem that bummed, but she does take a cue from the Jamie playbook and tells Ben to call her if it doesn’t work out with Courtney. Why, Lindzi, why? I watched her on Jimmy Kimmel tonight, and it’s pretty clear she’s over that dud.

Next, Courtney arrives, also wearing funeral formal-wear, complete with white cape. Courtney looks stunning. She may not be human. Well, she’s not human. She’s the sex robot. Anyway, her looks are so amazing, they literally could kill. Ben is stunned by them for several moments, before he collects himself, asks her to remove the gloves she inexplicably opted to wear, and proposes. Courtney accepts, David Gray plays, and Ben and Courtney admit that they have found a fairytale together. (Jimmy Kimmel correctly questions what kind of fairytale they found. It may be one where the woman ends up murdering the husband. We all saw the Blue Eyed Butcher on the Lifetime Movie Network.)

After the Final Rose

Where’s the controversy!? Is the controversy related to the fact that Ben is now sporting a porn-stache? Geez, I was really concerned when my Bachelor Ben cake, which had a blackberry as Ben’s nose, had mold on the blackberry, but the real Ben looked like he had mold on his upper lip.

I must say, what a worthless After the Final Rose special. The most exciting part was when my friend’s husband came home, liked the Ben F. Evolve wine we were drinking, and went online and immediately joined the wine club. (As a membership perk, he now has a lifetime of friendship with Ben.) And the second most exciting part was the previews for that show Missing. I'm surprised Liam Neeson isn't starring in that one.

Ben admits that he wished Courtney had been more gracious in certain moments on the show. He admits that they had broken up or are no longer engaged or something. It’s not totally clear.

Courtney comes out and says she has no clue whether they are even a couple. She also looks stunning, yet again. Darn those models. She’s turned it up to 11 for this one, like any smart woman would do in the face of an After the Final Rose ceremony where the man has broken up with her already. Even though Ben didn’t call or send flowers on Valentine’s Day, she is optimistic that they can move forward.

Ben and Courtney come out together, her continuing to look perfect and Ben looking like he didn’t even look in the mirror. Love has gotten them this far, though, and love will take them to the altar for real. Chris then reveals that he is holding all the cards (i.e., the ring), and puts Ben on the spot as to whether he’d like to be engaged to Courtney for a second time. Ben, a man who does not take engagement lightly, puts the ring back on her finger. They both cry, and all is good for the remainder of filming. Surely they have broken up by now.

With that, it’s time for America’s Sweetheart, which apparently is not Jennifer Aniston, as we all thought, but is now Ashley Hebert. She and JP seem happy together, being the only lasting couple left from this show that the network hasn’t already milked to death (i.e., Trista and Ryan, Jason and Molly).

Ashley and JP joke that they are pregnant and have already picked out baby names. Chris begs them to confirm that they have selected Bentley as one of the names, but they don’t confirm or deny. Ashley then makes some weird comment about thinking it’d be romantic to get married when you’re pregnant. And in a trailer park.

Finally, Ashley says that she and JP are indeed planning a wedding, and Chris agrees to get ordained so that he can officiate. The Mayans were right about 2012 after all. But really, Chris owes it to them. He’s been getting so much crap that this show is really only 1 for like, 25 or 26, he’s just really grateful if that stat gets less bad. And that’s the show, folks!

The Tweet Heard Round The World

Alright. Story time. So, I baked the above-pictured cake for the big Bachelor Finale party with my girlfriends. I follow Emily (the rapping epidemiologist) on Twitter, so I tweeted her – and not just any tweet, mind you, my first tweet ever – a picture of the cake. The tweet said, “U give smart women a good name. Ur my fave! I made this cake to honor your ex – does it do him justice? Ha ha.” (Note that I’d never use “u” or “ur”, but for the character limitations on Twitter.)

And not only did she respond, “It looks more delicious than the real thing,” but she re-tweeted it! I only have 20 followers, but she has 14,000! How exciting. And, then William from Ashley’s season (the bad roaster) also re-tweeted it! My night was made. You can follow me on Twitter @lisadoesntknow, but don’t hold your breath for any new tweets. I might have to retire after that one tweet.

Until next season or until Ben and Courtney break up . . . xoxo. Thank you for reading. It’s been my pleasure making fun of this season with you! As promised, some pictures of the family I love so much, and from these pictures, I'm sure you can see why!

Me, my mom, my sister, and my brother in Europe. Take note that my brother and I are wearing different outfits from the picture above, indicating that it is likely a different day. My sister, however, is not.

Wendy's look here (hard to see, but sweatshirt, over dress, over sweatpants with one leg rolled up) was once featured on Mugatu's Derelicte line.
The majestic Matterhorn . . . now, go and contemplate, my friends. Go and contemplate.

Bachelor Ben: The Women Tell Essentially Nothing!

Welcome to what Chris Harrison seems to think is one of the most anticipated episodes of the season, and what we all know is actually the least anticipated episode. A friend of mine said, “It’s the same as bye week in football.” And right she is. We don’t care, yet we still watch because Gossip Girl has been so painfully bad this season, and it’s the only other thing on at that time. Welcome to The Women Tell All, more accurately referred to as The Women Tell Essentially Nothing!

Montage #1: Bachelor Pad Tryouts

What better way to start the Women Tell Essentially Nothing episode than a montage from the most recent Bachelor reunion, or as we plebeians refer to it, “Bachelor Pad Tryouts.” We see that Ed of Ed and Jillian fame has secured his spot as the Pad’s “sexy man.” I once met Ed in person in Chicago and I can assure you that he is indeed much better looking than I ever thought when I watched the show. He had a certain confidence about him, confidence only a true player possesses, and thus smart women know never to get involved. But there are no smart women on Bachelor Pad!

We also see a manufactured love story between Ali and Frank, who previously dumped Ali and is still dating the woman he dumped her for. Clearly that relationship will be taking off quickly. But Frank too, would be welcome on the Pad. I have also met Frank in Chicago, and he (pictured above) was much better looking than expected.

Montage #2: Bachelorettes Gone Bitchy

Next, the dazzling Harrison introduces all of our favorite women from this season, plus Jaclyn and some girl named Amber who may or may not have been on the show. A montage of all the mean things the ladies said about one another is shown, bringing about my first of many trips to the refrigerator this episode. The main take-aways from this session:

· Samantha was dismissed from the show early and feels some sense of entitlement to judge and yell in an annoying voice. I mean, really annoying. She’ll fit in well in her new job as a House Bunny for some local sorority.

· Elyse is rumored to have said of Samantha, “Who IS she?”

· Brittney admitted that she felt no attraction to Ben whatsoever, and the audience goes into shock. Cardinal sin on this show, as Casey S knows far too well, is not being attracted to the Bachelor.

Montage #3: Who IS She?

Shawntel crashes the party yet again, looking cute in a shirt that she thought was a dress. She admits that it was hurtful when the other girls said such cruel things about her. We see another montage showing Shawntel’s return. The main takeaways:

· Erika of lip tattoo fame failed to apologize for her untrue remarks about Shawntel being uglier in person and having larger thighs than she does. Instead, she makes some weird comment about herself not having small thighs. Truth.

· Emily sets the record straight and reaffirms that Shawntel is gorgeous, and if she wasn’t, they wouldn’t have felt threatened or jealous. Thank you, Emily, voice of reason.

· The girls criticize Shawntel for not approaching the situation “the right way.” How was she supposed to approach it? She entered, spoke to Ben, then explained to the ladies her reasons for being there. Chris should have shut this down.

Montage #4: Tread Lightly, Emily

Chris tries to stir the pot and suggest that intelligent, witty Emily may still be in love with Ben. Well, she isn’t. Emily clearly has seen the light (thank goodness at least one of these contestants has some sense of self-worth) and admits that she realized Ben might not be the man for her when she saw that he’d skinny-dipped with another woman while still dating 10 others, and that in response to her warnings regarding Courtney, he said, “Tread lightly. You might not know me as well as you think you do.”

Chris may be in love with Emily, and I don't blame him. She's possibly the only person who has come off this show and seemed sane! And the double-sided tape she used with that dress held up so well, too! She may not have gotten the US Weekly covers or a 4 month engagement with a winemaker, but I think it's safe to say she's the real winner on this show.

Montage #5: Nicki

Nicki believes that the reasons Ben may have sent her home were that their relationship was “too comfortable, too natural, too easy.” Don’t worry. I have sent Nicki a copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You.” For some reason, she also still thinks Ben is the greatest man she’s ever met. Pretty sure my doorman Trebor is twice the man Ben is. So is my dentist.

Montage #6: KCB

Still, no one has told her. It was the baton!

Montage #7: Courtney the Sex Robot

Before Courtney is released to the hounds, the “hounds” view a montage of all the mean things Courtney said. Casey S admits to some sort of weird friendship or model trading cards partnership with Courtney and defends her, saying that all the girls said mean things about Courtney.

Courtney is then released to the hounds. Dr. Jamie was backstage, trying to tell Courtney to “be present” and “be real” and there was nothing that could hold her back. Thankfully, her real life coach was also there, and he told her, “Cry, apologize, cry, say you didn’t realize what you were doing, just keep apologizing.” And that’s what Courtney does.

I think that she probably does regret the way she acted, but not because she might have hurt or put off the other women. I think she’s concerned about her image, and that’s why she’s back on the show. She didn’t have to apologize, and she did. It’s hard to take her seriously after everything, though, and hard to accept the apology when it’s not clear there’s a change.

An interesting article in the LA Times, written by someone who was present at the taping, reported that a private conversation between Courtney and a producer was caught on the mike. Here’s a link. In the conversation, she said, “I didn’t play with my hair once. Aren’t you proud?” and “I don’t know if I can show that emotion again.” Those kind of statements really take away from any genuine side of Courtney’s apology.

All of the yelling by the girls at Courtney seems a bit ridiculous, I must say. It was months ago, with a guy who doesn’t even know of a local barber in any of his hometowns. There’s no way they care about the immature comments she made about them. The most legitimate complaint was that Courtney was telling Ben that she tried with the ladies, which was a blatant lie. Anyway, enough about Courtney.

Montage #8: Ben Fails to Man Up

All I wanted to know was how Ben would defend himself for skinny dipping with Courtney in Puerto Rico. But this wasn’t even brought up! An intern was certainly fired over this oversight. We did however get poor poor Jamie’s confession that she would give that la-loser Ben another chance. We know it’s not true, Jamie. Please.

Montage #9: Bachelor Bloopers

Noticeably absent from the Women Tell Essentially Nothing:

· Ben’s skinny-dipping explanation

· Sheryl the grandmother’s account

· Scotch the dog in the hot seat

· Explanation of Casey S’s “controversial” exit . . . did she trick her ex-boyfriend into proposing?

· Todd, Ashley H’s brother, and the painting he gifted to Ben

Montage #10: Preview . . .

. . . of the “Most Controversial Finale Ever”! More controversial than Brad’s rejecting both women? More controversial than Jason choosing one girl, only to dump her and select his runner-up? We are in for a treat indeed! Is it possible that Ben is going to reject both women for a slot on Bachelor Pad, Scotch by his side? One can only dream. xoxo.

Bachelor Ben: Taking it To "The Next Level"

Tonight we head to one of the most anticipated episodes of the season, and coincidentally, one that my mom typically boycotts (as do KCB’s parents): the fantasy suites (or “the next level” as the ABC Producers have dubbed it)! But my mom won’t be boycotting this year, as this year’s fantasy suites bring us to Switzerland. My family used to live in Geneva for three years, and sadly, this episode of the Bachelor is as close as any of us have come to a return trip. A picture of myself, my sweet little sister, and my Coke-loving older brother in the mountains near Interlaken is above, for your viewing pleasure.

Of course, before we can arrive in Switzerland, we get our first of many minutes of fluff this episode, as we relive Ben’s journey to promote his wine find love. Ben stares out the window of the airplane and contemplates literally the entire way from LA to Switzerland. Chris Harrison confirmed it in his blog. We relive his journey with each of Nicki, Lindzi and Courtney for 8 painful minutes, and Ben expresses deep concern over making the right decision. He’s experienced every emotion possible along the way. Every single one: love, anger, and sadness. But, he can see a future with each of the ladies. If only he had a therapist hired by ABC to help him with his decision.

Finally, we arrive in Switzerland and can really sympathize with Ben when he comments about all he’s had to go through to get to this point. The ABC interns instructed Ben and the ladies that Switzerland is “majestic”, so that’s the only word we’ll hear them use to describe it this evening. But it is, OH, it is.

Date One: Nicki, Let’s Get This Over With!

Nicki and Ben greet each other outside the hotel, to learn that their date will consist of yet another helicopter ride through the Alps. “Couldn’t you have sprung for a hovercraft?” asks Nicki. “The copters are getting old fast.” Just kidding, Nicki wonders how you couldn’t be stoked about a helicopter ride with Ben! Guess she hasn’t noticed his haircut, or lack thereof.

They are awestruck as the ride over the mountains, and Nicki thinks they are the only two people in Switzerland! Ben realizes that his relationship with Nicki is “getting to new heights, yet at the same time, it’s grounded.” That Ben is just a literary genius. What a perfect thing to say about someone you have no intention of spending time with after the fantasy suite.

The helicopter takes Ben and Nicki to various mountaintops, where they picnic their hearts out. Despite being at amazing heights, they don’t seem scared, nor do they take in the view. Rather, they talk about their feelings for each other, and Ben lets us know that he really hopes Nicki accepts the fantasy suite card.

Ben has one more surprise for Nicki: a log cabin, where they will eat dinner on stumps. Nicki fires the important questions at Ben over dinner: “How many kids do you want?” Ben says, “The more the merrier. Me and my sister always talked about having 4 kids.” Ben and his sister want four kids? Okay, whatever. Nicki says that she only wants 2 kids, but she will do whatever Ben wants.

Ben then breaks out an envelope from Chris Harrison, the Ultimate Wingman: “Nicki, Do you want to spend the night with Ben? From, Chris.” Nicki does! In the fantasy suite, she tips Ben off to what he’s in for that night; she wants to make him so happy, and wants to give him what he deserves. Ben too wants to take things to “the next level.” They head straight for the hot tub and start making things happen.

Date Two: Lindzi, Knowing You’re Afraid of Heights, I Have a Special Date Planned!

By this time, we’ve had a record amount of previews for what’s to come, so it may be safe to say we have here the most boring episode in Bachelor history.

Ben and Lindzi greet each other, and Lindzi announces how cold it is. If only those interns had warned her to bring a coat! For some reason, against all common sense, she didn’t wear one. She must have been thinking about horses.

Ben has a very special surprise for Lindzi. The interns told him Interlaken is the “extreme sports capital of the world” and knowing how much fun they had jumping out of a helicopter, they will be rappelling 300 feet down a gorge. Ben chooses these “extreme” activities for Lindzi because they have yet to talk about anything of any depth or substance whatsoever, and this way, they won’t have to. They are both very scared, but when they realize how similar the activity is to being in a relationship, they bond and make it down. Ben and Lindzi grow closer through the activity.

Immediately after rappelling, the ABC interns have strategically placed a hot tub for Ben and Lindzi to relax in. In the hot tub, they discuss other euphemisms for “taking it to the next level,” including being “vulnerable,” “watching the ice queen melt” and “transformation.” Lindzi, for the first time, tells Ben that she’s falling in love with him, and Ben grins like an idiot, knowing he’s getting laid that night.

They head to dinner and Ben wastes no time delivering the fantasy suite card to Lindzi. It’s too bad Chris doesn’t deliver it himself, then stand there and wait. “Lindzi, do you want to take it to the next level with Ben? From, Chris.” Lindzi informs Ben that – just like how she doesn’t normally kiss on the first date – she doesn’t normally take it to the next level with just anyone. But on national television, with her friends and family watching? In that case, yes, yes she does.

They head to the suite, bypass the hot tub, as they’ve been there and done that earlier in the day, and they head to a bed covered in a suspicious amount of pillows. Lindzi puts on one of Ben’s shirts, and the camera pans out, leaving viewers to wonder just how vulnerable the two got that night.

Date Three: Courtney, I Hope You Invited Your Model Friends!

Ben admits that he has concerns about Courtney’s dealings with the other women, but he greets Courtney enthusiastically. Ben has planned a “very Swiss date” with Courtney, as ABC has rented out a train that will take them to Wengen. The view from the train is incredible, just like it was from the helicopter.

They arrive at a local gas station, where they pick up some Swiss cheese. Courtney reminds Ben that models can’t eat cheese, or chocolate. No carbs. Only red wine. Courtney also thinks that this is what their life would be like, because there’s never a dull moment. They observe some garden gnomes, do a jig and head off to enjoy their picnic.

Not so fast. At the picnic, after a quick game of “Hey Cow!”, which proves to be the stupidest game ever, it’s time for the big questions. Courtney lets Ben know that everything with the girls is in the past, but Ben is concerned about her ability to interact with girls. If she can’t interact with ladies, how is she going to get along with his mom and sister? More importantly, how is she going to invite her model friends to the fantasy suite, if she doesn’t have any model friends?

It’s tough to tell if Courtney is legitimately afraid of losing Ben or if it’s an act put on to improve her image. When Ben says that what she did is “pretty messed up,” she just kind of shrugs. In her “in the moment” interviews, though, she’s tearful and concerned. Her agent may have warned her to act apologetic, so in her interview, she seems more regretful.

After their train/picnic date, Courtney and Ben then head to dinner at a log cabin, where they discuss more about Courtney’s inability to interact with women. Courtney admits to being immature at times, and that’s good enough for Ben. He breaks out the fantasy suite card: “Courtney, will you enjoy some uninterrupted time alone with Ben? From, Chris.”

At this point, Courtney turns the tables on Ben and asks what he thinks. Well played. He wants it. So does she, so they head to the suite, where they start with some intimate time in the hot tub and re-enact their time spent in the ocean in Puerto Rico!

Fluff Piece One: Emily as Bachelorette Sneak Peak

As one piece of filler tonight, ABC introduces us to Emily, who broke up with Brad Womack and will serve as Bachelorette. Who better for her to get advice from on how to serve as Bachelorette than Ashley, who was painfully insecure and got suckered in by a Bentley, and Allie, who recently ended her engagement? No one, clearly.

Ashley and Allie give great advice, including, “you’ll pin the roses on the men . . . with magnets!” and “the first night, you choose based on looks, because you haven’t talked to them yet” and “everything happens for a reason.” Great advice.

What better way to encourage her than to take her to a movie where the male of the main couple dies? Yes, that’s right – Titanic! Ashley thinks that the way Jack Dawson looks at Rose is the way JP looked at her, and that Jack and Rose are the epitome of a perfect relationship. Well, they spent all of two days together, so . . . yeah . . . perfect relationship. You jump, I jump, right? The ladies leave thinking that Emily can find another “perfect relationship”, just like in Titanic. Just hopefully it won’t involve Emily’s mate dying this time? It’s unclear what we’re supposed to take away from this segment.

Fluff Piece Two: KCB Returns

We now get our long awaited return of KCB to plead her case to Ben. She somehow finds her way to Ben’s hotel room, pauses for drama, and knocks on his door. Ben answers, shocked. “I have come here . . . because the producers forced me to,” KCB tells him.

She first asks for an explanation as to why Ben sent her away. He tells her what we already knew: it was her family. He felt that they came from different worlds, and didn’t think he’d fit in with her family. She tells him in, not so many words, that even though her parents indicated that she would not move in with him, she definitely would have. And she could have enjoyed a fantasy suite with him that night!

The tribe has spoken, though, and Ben won’t take her back. The closure is nice to know, but it doesn’t make it easier. She gives one final warning against choosing Courtney, and Ben sends her outside to lay on the rug in the hallway.

Fluff Piece Three: Chris Breaks It Down

We’ve got twenty minutes left this episode, so it’s time for some serious contemplation. Bring in the Hummingbirds! Oh wait, no. That’s not what’s happening. Bring in Chris Harrison! Ben informs Chris that he’s now more confused than ever. Chris pretends to act surprise that KCB showed up, and tries to offer Ben some moral support.

We have some more conversation that I don’t listen to, and all the while, I’m just wondering where Dr. Jamie is. He’s clearly needed. Ben doesn’t know which way is up, but it’s time to throw him to the rose ceremony.

Rose Ceremony

The ladies arrive, although it appears one of the interns tricked Nicki into thinking that she was going to a toga party. The first rose goes to Lindzi. Things get thrown totally off kilter when Chris misses his moment of glory and does not announce the final rose. It’s unclear whether there are more roses coming. But, the final rose goes to Courtney. Ben walks Nicki out, and she just wishes she’d worn something more practical to that the rose ceremony. Dangit. You’ll get ‘em on Bachelor Pad, Nicki.

Next week, it’s the Women Tell Essentially Nothing, and after that, off to Zermatt where Ben will select the women to whom he wishes to endure a 4 month engagement!
I leave you with a picture from the time my family spent in Switzerland: a lovely, high fashion Swiss frock modeled by my adorable sister. If only the interns had thought to do a Swiss frock date! Maybe Courtney will wear one of these to the final rose ceremony.