Lisa Doesn't Know

Bachelor Ben: How Can You Not Be Romantic About Baseball . . . Or Skinny-Dipping?

2012-02-01T10:14:00.008-06:00

So many questions going into this week’s episode! Will Jamie break her vow of silence? How will Ben handle dating, after his devastating loss to Djokovic? Will I have made the right choice in choosing to watch Bachelor over Gossip Girl? I suspect not, but I’m sticking with Ben in Puerto Rico tonight!

Ben welcomes us to Vieques Island to join his heart’s journey to find love. “I wanted to take the ladies to Vieques, because I wanted them to see the land I call home,” he tells us. As Ben arrives in style on a private runway, the ladies are brought in on a crappy tugboat that barely stays afloat. “Welcome to Vieques!” Ben tells everyone for the 18th time, coming right off a private lesson from the Puerto Rican intern as to the proper pronunciation of “Vieques.”

It’s not until we arrive in Vieques that we get our first gratuitous hummingbird shots this season. As we recall, Ben knows his father is with him when he sees hummingbirds. Thank goodness Ben’s father has decided to join him, but it’s unfortunate that Ben does not take advantage of the opportunity to make a cheesy quote about the hummingbird, such as, “I just know my father would want me to date a woman who can toast higher than everyone else.”

Chris Harrison greets the ladies, unfortunately not wearing anything that would give him “Latin swagger.” But he doesn’t need it. Chris repeats yet another time how the one-on-one dates will work and advises the ladies to use their time wisely, thus confirming my suspicion that this season’s contestants have collectively the lowest IQ in the show’s history (despite Emily’s above average intelligence). He leaves the ladies with the first date card.

Date 1: “Nicki, Encontremos un nuevo amor en el viejo San Juan . . . Ben.”

Nicki is beyond excited about the date, but Emily will have to translate: “Let’s find a new love in old San Juan.” After Emily announced earlier in the episode that “Puerto Rico seems like an amazing place to fall in love,” it was safe to assume that Emily informed producers that she has zero interest in Ben, but would be willing to stick around and say cheesy lines for a salary increase. She will also be filling the role of resident information provider this week.

Courtney, of course, is upset to see someone else get a date. Staying true to her “Be Nice” shirt (likely a gift from her new BFF Casey S. as a token of their friendship), she says that it’ll be awkward being at the house with Emily, because she’s still on her “s*** list.” “If someone’s on my s*** list, it’s kind of like you’re just dead to me. It’s like, you wronged me. There’s really nothing you can say to recover from that. You better check yourself, bitch.” Courtney was right last week; she is a nice person!

Nicki, fresh off her recent divorce, puts on her best island dress and heads off to meet Ben, who decided to put zero effort into his appearance for this date. Ben calls in the helicopter and they jet off to old San Juan. Great conversation on the helicopter:

Nicki: “I noticed you wrote the date card in Spanish. That was a nice touch.”
Ben: “What are you talking about? Oh, right. The date card that… I wrote. Thanks.”

The first stop in San Juan is to pick up some “piraguas” (shaved ice) for Ben; the interns didn’t give him enough cash to buy any for Nicki, so he just gets one. If it’s native to Puerto Rico, they’ve got to sample it, even though it looks like crap. Ben has been working on his ability to incorporate Spanish phrases, such as “como estas”, “de nada” and “gatos” into everyday dialogue, and he of course impresses Nicki with his ability to use Spanish words in nonsensical ways.

As the date goes along, Nicki decides to utter those fateful words, “What could possibly go wrong?” Magical editing by the ABC producers makes it look like it starts pouring immediately after she says that! Thankfully, there is a doorway for Nicki and Ben to take cover under and make out in. “Nothing can rain on this parade,” says Nicki, “not even the fact that I just got divorced two months ago!”

Because their clothes are drenched, Ben decides that he and Nicki will be purchasing Puerto Rican clothes to wear for the rest of the date. Ben ends up looking more like a Colombian druglord in his head-to-toe white look, fedora to boot.

They walk the city, oblivious to how stupid they look, and head to a local fort. Ben, now an expert at repeating facts the interns debriefed him on in the final minutes before the date, tells Nicki that the fort was built in the 16th century. It has stood the test of time, unlike Nicki’s past relationship. But, despite being a contestant on this show, she’s hopeful that her next relationship will last!

After the fort, the two encounter a wedding, strategically staged by the ABC interns, complete with the token fat bridesmaid, which gives Ben the perfect opportunity to bring up Nicki’s divorce. “To me, being married is a lot different than being engaged,” Ben says. So deep. Nicki agrees that marriage is different from engagement, so it’s really good that they have that in common.

The two get cleaned up for the dinner portion of the date, making me question why they had to buy new Puerto Rican outfits earlier if they have these dry clothes waiting. Ben’s opts for the “suspenders hanging from newsboy pants” look. He’s so daring. At dinner, they have standard first date chat such as “So tell me more about your divorce.” Nicki confirms that, much like Kim Kardashian, her marriage was not what she thought it’d be so she gave up.

Ben: “But did you attend therapy at all?”
Nicki: “Eh, yeah. Not my thing. I decided it would be okay to get divorced.”

Back at the house, the ladies are sitting around waiting for the date card, which they seem to do a lot of, and Blakeley and Elyse debate who is more deserving of a one-on-one date—a very hot topic. I hear it’s on the docket for the next Republican candidacy debate. Coincidentally, the date card comes at this very moment!

Emily, confirming my suspicions noted earlier, explains to ABC’s remedial viewers that this date card is important because by process of elimination, anyone whose name is not on the date card will get the one-on-one date, as all the girls have dates this week. The “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend” date goes to everyone but Elyse! Perfect! We needed a date elimination to spice up this week’s episode, and Elyse has already dug her own grave by continuing to yell, “Who IS she?”

Back on the date, Nicki is hoping that Ben will not view her divorce as a negative thing. Being on this show, Ben of course views the divorce as a learning experience and doesn’t even consider that it might be some baggage he’d have to deal with down the line, and he gives Nicki the rose.

GROUP DATE! “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend.”

Ben has been in love with baseball ever since the ABC producers told him they’d be doing a baseball date, errr, since he saw the Giants play as a young boy, so he says. So, he’s excited to check out the ladies skills and demonstrate his own lack of skills. The ladies arrive at Roberto Clemente stadium and pretend to be excited to play baseball. Mostly, they are excited about the opportunity to wear their spandex shorts from high school volleyball again. Thank you to KCB, who wore a normal pair of running shorts for this date! Blakeley is excited, as she claims to have played in high school and college. Silly Blakeley. Being a cheerleader for the team doesn’t count as playing on it!

The coaches of the Carolina Gigantes, a Puerto Rican baseball team, provide the ladies with some warm-ups, confirming that half of the women have no chance at success on this date. We see that Casey S doesn’t have much of a clue how to play, which we could have predicted. Courtney attempts to use baseball to boost her sex appeal, by announcing “Butt Out” for her batting stance, and Ben digs it. We can assume she made many an analogy to “hitting a home run with Ben,” but the ABC Producers edited that part out so they had more time for skinny-dipping scenes.

As the ladies are practicing, Chris Harrison shows up out of the blue (but wearing a stunning blue polo, mind you) and announces a Falcon Twist in the date. The ladies will be split into teams, and the losing team will not get to attend that night’s poolside cocktail party, missing out on valuable one-on-one time with Ben. Casey S. and Jamie don’t care—they didn’t want to talk to Ben anyway. Chris forces Ben to choose an MVP, who will play for both teams because of the uneven number of girls. Ben inexplicably chooses Lindzi, who demonstrated that she had no clue how to throw.

In hopes of creating more drama, Chris forces Blakeley and Courtney to serve as captains. Alas, none of the ladies seem that humiliated or even seem to realize the implications of being chosen last. It’s a shock, but they may be more mature than the average fifth grader. KCB and Emily are the clear choices for first-round picks, but after that it’s slim pickings. The game will consist of 2 innings, which is not enough to come close to reaching a fair outcome of the game.

Harrison sends the ladies off to the locker rooms to get in their uniforms, which apparently takes 4-5 hours, because by the time they return, the sun has long set. Let’s hope they got some Coach Taylor-worthy pep talks in the locker room. Ben serves as pitcher, and let’s just say he won’t be winning a Cy Young anytime soon. He doesn’t even look good in the uniform. Couldn’t they have brought in Roberto, or like, Joe Mauer for this one? But it’s Game Time, and time with Ben is on the line!

The game is as close to a disaster as possible, but I’d have a blast on this date! It’s competitive and fun. We’ve got overthrows to first (by fabulous pitcher Ben), over-running at 2nd base and failure to make the tag, and errors left and right. Let’s not even get into baseball rules such as tagging up. Ben is really struggling to get the ball over the plate this whole time, so it’s unfortunate that Harrison was not brought in as a reliever. Regardless of the skill level here, this game is intense. The ladies are even wearing cleats, and there appear to be real umpires. The only thing missing is Lt. Frank Drebin (or Enrico Palazzo) making creative calls for balls and strikes behind the plate!

After two innings and three clutch pop-up catches by Blakeley, the game is tied at 6! We are told that the game will go into extra innings, and this is where things get a little confusing. Anyone who has watched baseball knows that extra innings last only so many innings necessary until one team is in the lead after the completion of an inning. Ben explains that the teams kept tying it up, so they had to continue to play.

The scoreboard, however, indicates otherwise. The Blue team (Emily’s team) is ahead after the third inning 6-7, and again after the fourth inning 8-9. Yet, for some reason, a fourth and fifth inning were still played. We have no explanation as to why the game kept going after the third inning, but the ladies seem to think it was fair and square. Did Chris Harrison forget how to count? Was it mandatory that the game be played until Courtney’s team won? Who knows, but it is what it is.

After a montage of random hits, we come to the bottom of the 5th inning. Courtney and the Red team scored 2 in the top of the fifth, putting Blue down 10-9. The game comes to a devastating end with Jennifer of the Blue team striking out to Ben’s “fastball”, clocked at 16 mph, eliminating her team’s chances of spending more time with Ben that night. The Red team goes off to their helicopter, where they douse each other with victory champagne, while the Blue team is carted back in a white bus formerly used by the local prison to transport prisoners.

That evening, the winning team has cleaned up for a bonfire on the beach. We see Ben share brief interaction with each girl, including Jamie, who utters that she’s not quick to make a move, before returning to her vow of silence. Ben asks Casey S who she is, as he hadn’t realized he was dating more than one girl named Casey. Ben admits to KCB that all of the women in his life who he has loved have not loved him back. Not surprising. Ben offers the date’s rose to KCB (though I believe it should have gone to Blakeley for her softball skills—clearly the MVP), but then Operation Skinny Dip commences.

Desperate to win the race into Ben’s pants, I mean heart, and sensing a viable contender in KCB, Courtney pulls Ben aside. “KCB, she’s really cute with her baton-twirling, but Ben needs a woman.” Courtney and Ben head to the beach, and we view manipulation worthy of such greats as Cher from Clueless and Kristin Cavallari. With the ease of how K-Cav once mentioned to Justin Bobby that she had a really comfortable bed or how she surely mentioned to Jay Cutler that it might be fun to have a baby so she could permanently collect excessive child support payments, Courtney mentions to Ben: “Ideally, it would just be you and me and a bottle of wine, and you know, skinny dipping, and getting crazy and having fun.” The seed has been planted. Ben doesn’t know what to do, but he knows he can’t go skinny dipping now, so he’ll be left to think about it throughout his entire boring date with Elyse.

Date 3: “Elyse, Let’s Find Love Somewhere Private . . . Ben.”

Ben arrives to pick up Elyse for their date and reveals that they’ll be boating on a private yacht for their date! Gotta love the private yacht date, as it is all the more likely that someone will be sent home on a tugboat, life raft, or just left for the sharks. Elyse hasn’t calculated the possibility that she might be going home that night, but Courtney sure has: “Hmmmm, maybe I might not be seeing her later. I hope I got her number. I could use a personal trainer.” Very thoughtful of Courtney, as Elyse has given up her job to be on this show—she could probably use the work.

Ben is optimistic about his time with Elyse, based on the four minutes they have spent together. All he really knows about her is that she keeps yelling “Who IS she?” or “This isn’t BRAD’s season!” whenever someone new comes in a room.

Elyse starts by telling Ben how desperate how she is to find love and how much she gave up to be on the show. She completely gave up her job and missed her best friend’s wedding that she was supposed to be in. Ben pretends to be honored, but he actually contemplates jumping into the ocean and swimming for it.

Elyse goes on to tell Ben that she has already accomplished everything on her Leap List for getting married, so she is really ready for this, for Ben. She has nothing in her life, except for this TV show. To save himself from having to continue to speak to her, Ben suggests they jump off the side of the boat.

They quickly move onto the dinner portion of the date, where Elyse starts out conversation with the same question she’ll be asking on her forthcoming job interviews: “Do you have any concerns about me or anything else you want to ask me?” Ben just kind of looks around, wondering how he can feign interest for the next 4 minutes ABC has slotted for this date. He asks how she possibly could have accomplished everything on her Leap List. She says that she has another Leap List for before having children, so she does have other goals in life, but she’s ready to get married. . . to him.

We have some continued awkward conversation, but then Ben decides it’s time for that speech. Ben is forced to repeat such statements as “I was hoping to find things that weren’t here” and “missed connections” and “my other relationships are past what we can get to” and various other phrases dumping her before getting to “No Rose For You.” He needs to incorporate Billy Beane’s approach to letting a player know he’s traded into his repertoire for dumping girls, because he’s making this as painful for Elyse as possible: “I gotta let you go. Chris Harrison will handle the details.”

Elyse is sent off with a doggie bag with her meal in a tugboat that nearly capsizes as it fills with her tears, as she questions what she did wrong. Boy, I hope Courtney got her number! As that piano song that no one can tell the lyrics too and that seems totally irrelevant plays, Ben symbolically tosses Elyse’s rose into the ocean, although that may also have been the rose he opted not to give to Shawntel, Erika and Jaclyn washed ashore.

Back at the house, the ladies go into shock as the man brought onto the ABC crew solely for the purpose of carting off luggage in a threatening manner enters and removes Elyse’s suitcase. Courtney observes, “Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out. It’s bittersweet—really bitter for her, and really sweet for me. Her hopes and dreams went out the door with that bag.” At least Courtney admits that she’s happy to see someone go. All the others have to be thinking it.

Operation Skinny Dip

Now that the seed has been planted and the competition has been eliminated, Courtney goes in for the kill to execute her plan. An intern texts her when Ben is heading to his condo: “The duck flies at midnight.” “I don’t know if he’s ever skinny-dipped with a tube sock model before. It could be fun,” she tells the camera.

The ABC interns prepare two glasses and a bottle of wine and send Courtney over to Ben’s suite, instructing her to refer to the drink as a “nightcap.” Ben, thinking that Courtney actually is into him and not that this is something she’s doing as part of her scheme to win, invites Courtney in.

At this point, Courtney throws subtlety out the window and goes for the gold. “I can draw you a bath. You must be tired from sending that trainer home. One of the interns gave me this tube of lotion, if you need a massage.” Ben thinks Courtney’s efforts are very sweet, that it was thoughtful of her to seek out time with him. What a dope.

Ben is very tempted by Courtney’s suggestion that they go to the beach. He weighs his options to the camera: “This probably isn’t a good idea, but she took it upon herself to come to my doorstep. Why the hell not?” What a gentleman. In his head, he thinks, “If I do this, and the other girls hear that I did, all of the self-respecting women will leave, so that’ll leave me with… no one. Maybe the Other Casey? Even so, they’ll see it on TV, so I’d have to explain it eventually. Ah, whoever I pick, it won’t last, I’m doing it. She has such a sexy overbite.” They head to the beach, where Court rocks Ben’s world.

Ben is a bit reluctant to strip down, but Courtney reminds him that they’re only in Puerto Rico once (unless you’re a model and were there two months ago). They head into the ocean, make out while straddling each other, and the camera pans out, leaving the audience to wonder whether either of them contracted an STD that night. Courtney tells us “I feel like I’m winning. Is there a trophy at the end, or like, I’d get another tube sock ad as a prize? Oh, Ben’s the prize? Oh. Okay.”

Rose Party!

Ben greets the ladies, feeling kind of crappy about his “intimate moment” with Courtney, a very kind euphemism for skinny dipping. He’s hoping, however, that he can stay open to dating the other ladies. I’d sure feel good about myself if I knew Ben had such high aspirations for his feelings for me in the face of Courtney! He wants to remain open to dating me? Awesome.

First, he shares some time with Jennifer, where they have some awkward conversation about how “rad” he thought their date was, before making out. Someone’s been watching a little too much Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! “Gnarly” will be next week’s token description word.

Blakeley then corners Ben and tells him that she has come to a realization that she deserves someone really special, someone like Ben. Actually Blakeley, and I didn’t think I’d say this about a VIP Cocktail Waitress, but after seeing you give Emily those highlights and make those catches, I might say you deserve someone better than Ben. She tells Ben that she wrote notes about things she liked about him each day (maybe that he wore a nice tie one time?). Ben appreciates the way Blakeley opened up, telling her, “To be honest, I wasn’t going to give you a rose, but this might change things.”

The ladies chat, and Courtney mentions that she loves being naked and skinny dipping. It’s not clear what the context of this conversation was prior to her statement, but we can assume they were talking about politics or religion or something. A very drunk Jennifer then takes a survey as to the ladies’ experience with skinny dipping, but Courtney somehow manages to keep her secret.

Emily and Ben then get some alone time. Emily wants to play the pawn of the ABC producers and pretend to be into Ben, but she’s too smart to be taken in. She tells him, “I wanted to let you know that I’m not thinking about Courtney anymore, but only about you and what’s going on with us.” Ben seems pleased, but Emily cannot live a lie.

Emily: “But… I think you should know that I’m not retracting my earlier statement. Courtney drinks blood every morning. She’s weird and evil.”
Ben: “I want you to stay the @#*! out of my relationship with Courtney. Are we clear?”

Emily knows she screwed up, but she cares about dopey Ben whose signature fashion move has become rolling up the pants of his tuxedo. She does not want to see him with someone with Courtney’s motives. I wonder if she’d be singing a different song, though, if she knew about Operation Skinny Dip. They’re perfect for each other!

With little warning, it’s time for the rose ceremony, where every woman has selected a horrible island-themed dress. Roses go to: Lindzi, Jamie, Rachel, Courtney, Casey S, Blakeley and … Emily! Jennifer, who was making out with the gentleman that is Ben Flajnik just moments ago, will be going home.

“I totally understand,” she says on her way out. That’s very noble of her, but no one understands this decision. It would seem that Blakeley stole that rose right out of her fingers, but we know Ben wasn’t going to end up with someone with a real job! Hope tax season is treating you well, Jennifer, and I’m sure you’ll have many a suitor come April 15.

Ben offers a toast to their travels to Panama City next week, then congratulations Courtney on lifting her glass higher than all the other girls. “That’s so rad that you can do that,” he says. Can’t wait to see what next week brings—looks like the death of Casey S’s pet fish! xoxo.

Bachelor Ben: A River (of My Tears of Boredom) Runs Through It

2012-01-25T15:27:00.006-06:00

So glad to have just “enjoyed” the most boring episode in Bachelor history! Ben’s focus is clearly not on the ladies if he still hasn’t realized that Courtney is a sociopath, but it’s understandable. He’s got a huge match against Roger Federer coming up!

First things first, though. We get a montage showing Ben riding in a helicopter and riding horses. The producers would have us believe he’s on a contemplative journey, but I’m pretty sure these are just clips from dates that occur later in the episode. Park City, Utah, however, looks amazing! “I wanted to take the ladies to Park City, Utah, because I really want them to experience the outdoors and see all the colors of the rainbow, and obviously they couldn’t do this in Sonoma or San Francisco,” Ben tells us.

The ladies arrive at yet another fabulous condo, generously paid for by the Waldorf Astoria hotel, which apparently needs to promote itself on this show? Nah, Chris must have dirt on the owner. Chris greets the ladies, explains the week’s dates, and gives them the ominous warning that they must use their time with Ben wisely, as it may be the only time they have before the rose ceremony. “Do not talk about the weather,” Chris warns, before leaving the date card. Several thoughts pass through ladies’ heads as this warning goes down:

Blakeley: ‘Darnit… the weather is my go to. I’ll have to talk about my newfound hair highlight touch-up skills instead.’
Courtney: ‘I’m going to tell him how much I like him and ask how much he likes me on a scale of 1 to 10. That went over well last time.’
Monica: ‘Blakeley looks so good right now.’
Emily: ‘Crap, I wasn’t listening to what Chris said. It sounded important. I was too distracted by his glorified sweatshirt and un-aging beauty.’
Elyse: ‘Who IS that Shawntel?! This isn’t Brad’s season!’

Date 1: “Rachel, Let’s Let Nature Take its Course . . . Ben.”

Upon the news that someone other than her is getting a date, Kacie B. freaks out like all receivers of the first date. Thankfully, she gets to see him for 30 seconds when he comes to take Rachel out, so her day has been made.

As their first step in letting nature take its course, Rachel and Ben board none other than a helicopter! Who’d have expected that? Rachel and Ben enjoy the scenery, but it becomes quickly evident that they don’t seem to have much to say beyond how cool the view is.

Next, they head to a picnic by the lake, where an ABC intern has left a beat up canoe with a camera attached to it. How convenient! Ben and Rachel go off on the canoe, which somehow manages to stay afloat, and talk about how great it is to be all alone with nature and the ABC production team documenting their date and awkward silences.

The highlight of the date—or more appropriately, non-lowlight of the date—comes when they go share a picnic on the shore. Ben points out that there’s a beaver dam on the lake. It’s so cool. Ben pulls a crumpled up slip of paper from his pocket, and shares that seeing a beaver dam was on his Leap List. Cut to commercial, and viewers are left in suspense as to whether this date can get any more boring.

Just when Ben is about to send Rachel packing, Rachel gives him some line about how she’s had trouble opening up in past relationships. Ben decides to give her the rose and keep her around. There’s really no explanation for this, but it must have been less painful to be on than it was to watch.

GROUP DATE: “Let’s See if You’re a Great Catch. Ben.”

Next up, we have a group date! All the girls except for Monica, Rachel, Emily and Elyse will be on the group date, so the girls are excited that Ben will finally see Courtney’s true colors and inability to be socially competent. The short answer is: he doesn’t.

Ben rides in on a horse, which almost throws him off. Nonetheless, the ladies are impressed and still think Ben looks like a Knight in Shining Armor. Lindzi is pumped to show off her skills, but there is little to show off as they ride in a slow, single-file line out to their destination. No one even talks, aside from Nicki, who seems to think that no activity can be experienced at its fullest unless Ben is involved.

Next up on the agenda is fly-fishing. The girls pretend to be excited about standing in water and holding a rod for awhile, though it’s clear that none of them know what they’re doing. All Ben knows is the Wiki-How an ABC intern read him before the date, so he’s not worth much either. The girls last about 2 minutes before they head for the beer, except for Courtney, who realizes that the true goal of this date is not to catch a fish, but to catch Ben! “How hard can catching a fish be?” she asks. “I’ve caught a man before; this won’t be that different.” Spoken like a woman who truly loves Ben.

Ben and Kacie B. share some time together and have a nice little chat about nothing. Ben later reveals to Kacie that he really wanted to kiss her, but he didn’t feel right about doing that with the other girls around to see. Thankfully, he’s not concerned about doing things like skinny-dipping with one lady in front of the other ladies, which we’ll get to see next week!

Courtney lures Ben “upstream” which is actually only about 25 feet away from the other ladies. They discuss their favorite condiments (mustard, likely inspired by Court’s hipster knit hat). It is then that the other ladies notice they are missing, and Lindzi goes off to get Ben’s attention, confident in her existence as the Token “Outdoorsy” Woman.

Just as Lindzi approaches, her attempts at wooing Ben away from Court are thwarted by ABC’s prize intern who places a fish on Courtney’s rod. Genius work by the interns this week. They’ve really outdone themselves. Ben doesn’t even notice Lindzi’s presence (or the intern’s presence) as he’s too concerned about kissing the fish with Courtney. Courtney does a victory dance for the cameras about her victory on the date. Again, this woman could not be more genuine about her love for winning, errr, for Ben.

After the outdoorsy portion of the date, Ben treats the ladies to a posh pool party. Ben first pulls aside the adorable Casey S, who he hasn’t spoken to since they first met. It’s always a good idea to avoid speaking to the Bachelor for as long as possible. Inevitably, someone who does speak to him will say something stupid, and he’ll boot them off instead. Before Casey is able to speak to Ben, her time is interrupted by Nicki.

Nicki expresses how grateful she is for her group dates with Ben. “That’s good, because you really thrive in the group date setting. We won’t be going on any one-on-one dates,” says Ben, master of the backhanded compliment. Then they bond over knowing people who died recently, and Nicki gushes that their relationship has soared to new levels.

At this point, Samantha interrupts and initiates a “DTR” or “Define the Relationship” chat with Ben, asking what his level of interest in her is, and expressing disgust over her lack of one-on-one dates. Truth be told, she was probably just nervous and trying to get an idea of where she stood, but it didn’t come off as gracefully as Nicki’s faux thankfulness for the group dates. Ben alleviates Samantha’s concerns about where she stands with him by… kicking her to the curb.

Samantha says her goodbyes to the ladies and goes off on her not-so-merry way, pink suitcase in tow, quite confused as to what caused Ben to release her, forgetting that she spent a fair amount of their first group date crying in a bathroom, and not realizing that the producers told Ben someone had to go prematurely or this episode would put viewers to sleep. The truly disappointing thing here is that we did not get to see a thuggish intern carry her luggage away and watch the ladies at the condo gasp, as is traditional for Bachelor 2-on-1 dates.

Courtney lures Ben aside for some alone time, and it’s time to turn her game up a notch. She’s here for the rose, and that’s it! She begins with light banter, including “We caught a fish!”, “That was fun!” and “I really like you.” Then, things get deeper: “But, I’m having a rough time”, “I keep thinking about the tube sock ad I’ve got coming out” and “I’ve lost sight of everything.” How the Academy failed to recognize this performance is beyond me. But, a concerned Ben sprints off, pushes some interns to the side and into the pool to clear his way, and retrieves the rose to give to Courtney, completely reassuring her fake concerns.

Date 3: “Jennifer, Let’s Pick Our Love Song … Ben.”

For the third date, Jennifer the Accountant will get her time with Ben, edging out Elyse by a narrow margin. Ben takes Jennifer to a mysterious crater that’s marked off by “no trespass” signs. It appears to be a hole in the ground leading to an underground spring. If it’s anything like the cenote I visited in Mexico (which is the same thing—I think the interns may his given Ben stale information), it’s actually heavily toured and it has a stairway leading down to it, in addition to the crater-like hole at the top. Of course, Ben spouts off a few facts that the interns fed him before the date, and they put on harnesses to drop through the crater.

Jennifer is very frightened, because surprise, surprise—she’s afraid of heights. Not to worry, Jennifer! Only four ABC interns broke bones testing out this date. Like any menial task performed on the Bachelor, if they can accomplish this together, surely they could accomplish sticking with a 4 month engagement together!
They lower themselves to a point where they can drop into the “unknown”, then fall a few feet into the water once they release their harnesses. And, it’s totally rad. Later on in the day, a rock falls on Ben’s arm, and he is stranded and has to cut off his own arm to survive. Oops, no, that was 127 Hours. Of course, they learn a lot about their relationship from doing this, because both things involve diving into the unknown.

After a change of clothes, they ride up a chairlift, but are soon threatened by the Romantic Rain. It’s not nearly as romantic as what we saw with Brad Womack and Chantal last season, as it doesn’t end with Jennifer wearing Ben’s white button-down, but Jennifer’s good attitude gets her the rose. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, though, Jen. Ben is quick with the backhanded compliment: “I actually thought this date was going to be bad, but thanks to all the fun the interns planned for us, it wasn’t! Will you accept this rose?”

As Jennifer thinks the date is coming to a close, Ben and Jen ride down the chairlift and stumple upon what appears to be an impromptu CLAY WALKER CONCERT! OMG. Clay Walker. I have never heard of him, but he looks like an older version of Shooter McGavin, and the crowd is going wild. And how perfectly random that the concert is occurring for free just as their date is coming to a close! Second most boring date ever.

Rose Party!!!

We’ve all been expecting big things from a showdown between Courtney and Emily. And by “we’ve all”, I mean the four of us who didn’t fall asleep by this point in the episode. Earlier, we saw Emily and some of the other girls, including Blakeley, whose hair-styling skills have redeemed her from the hate she built up by showboating her breasts a few weeks ago, discussing how shocked they are that Court got the rose. Emily expresses the desire to inform Ben of Courtney and her Delilah-like ways, but Monica advises against it, saying that it’ll all come out in the end, and you don’t want to spend your valuable time with Ben that way.

Of course, Emily ignores the advice of her fellow contestants, and instead listens to the advice of the ABC Producers, who want more drama! Here’s what goes down:
Emily: Someone in the house is different around you than around the rest of us. Do you care?
Ben: If it’s Courtney, the Hot Model, then no. If it’s anyone else, then yes, please tell me so I have an excuse to boot them like I did Samantha.
Emily: Well, you gave her the rose on a group date even though we didn’t think you would.
Ben: Stop worrying about this, or I’ll send you home too.
Emily walks away knowing she made a mistake, and is concerned that she won’t get a rose.

I really do think Emily’s heart was in the right place, but you never want to be the girl who tells the guy someone isn’t there for “The Right Reasons” or “She’s not who you think she is” or especially, “She lied by omission.” If the guy likes the girl, he’s going to view it as a criticism of his judgment, plus you just look like a snitch and like you’re causing drama. I really do think Emily’s heart was in it for protecting Ben, as Courtney does seem to be quite two-faced, but she shouldn’t have gone there.

Emily tells Casey S about her regrets of informing Ben about Courtney, but Casey S turns out to be a Courtney sympathizer! Shocking. We did not know such a thing existed. Casey S immediately excuses herself, and says she’s getting water, but instead runs to tell Courtney what Emily did! Of course, the story is blown out of proportion and Courtney responds, “I’m such a nice girl, but suck my white @$$! Seriously I’m super nice.” The scene that goes down is literally identical to Happy Gilmore’s reaction after he tries to send his ball home, and it does not go in its home. The interns were spot on with the “bleeps.”

Courtney is upset, but she handles it as any grown woman would. She pulls Emily aside and confronts her away from the other women. Oh wait, no. Courtney inches her way closer to where Emily is sitting and talks trash about Emily louder and louder, all while shooting mean looks towards Emily and quoting Charlie Sheen.

Courtney scoots into the group where the girls are sitting. Kacie B. polls the crowd a question fed to her by an ABC intern: “How many of you have learned more about yourself in the last two weeks than in the last two years?” Emily and one other girl raise their hand to say yes, and most of the girls stare blankly because they are unsure what “learning about yourself” means, and Courtney says she did not, because she knows herself really well. Kacie feels bad for asking such a dumb question, and the girls comfort her.

Finally, a showdown worthy of a Dirty Harry movie occurs. Emily expresses her shock that Courtney would deny having learned more about herself in the past two weeks (although with Courtney’s lack of self-awareness and obliviousness to what goes on around her, this isn’t surprising). Courtney starts cackling. Emily asks what she’s laughing at. Courtney says, “You.” Then Courtney says, “You know why.” Emily plays dumb, but she never should have started this with Courtney. I wish she would man up and tell Courtney she did it. Courtney probably wouldn’t know how to respond! Now, they both look childish and immature. Courtney saunters off, opts for the classic "Scoreboard" comeback, shouting "I have a rose and you don't!", following by her favorite outdated Charlie Sheen quote that was funny for about 1 week: “Winning!” Emily is concerned she’s going home, and I am too. She lost all her credibility with Ben.

Conveniently, Chris interrupts the party. It’s time for the Rose Ceremony! Roses go to Lindzi, Jamie (Woman of No Words), Nicki, Kacie B., Elyse, Blakeley, and Casey S. It all comes down to Monica, who has become the Producers’ go to woman for asking staged psychiatrist-like questions, and Emily. And the final rose goes to… Emily! She squeaks by.

The episode comes to an end, but not before Ben can announce to the ladies that next, they’re off to Puerto Rico! “I was just there two months ago,” whines Courtney. They toast, and Courtney exclaims in full seriousness, “I can go higher than everybody!” Ben chooses to ignore these comments, and does not point out that she’s also taller than everyone, but hopefully he wakes up from his tennis focus soon!

In light of the boring episode and lack of items to make fun of, here’s my current assessment of and predictions for the ladies we have left:

Courtney: I’m not a fan. She may be trying to play the villain, as some of her comments are pretty over the top, but she seems like she may not have a soul. All of the Charlie Sheen quotes, the celebrations whenever she gets a rose (or catches a fish), and the condescending comments towards other women show her true colors. She’ll get booted after hometowns, when Ben sees that even her family hates her.
Rachel: Rachel fits the bill for someone who will do well on this show, seeing as she was willing to quit her job to compete for Ben’s love. Unfortunately, after the date we saw today, she may only have a couple more episodes left in her.
Jennifer: I like Jen the Accountant, but this girl is too good for Ben. She’s smart, genuine and cute. Even if her looks aren’t those of a tube sock model, she can do better than Ben, who is losing more and more credibility with each episode.
Lindzi: Final Two prediction. Her lifestyle would fit in well with Ben’s, but I’ll need to see more about their chemistry before I can pick her over Kacie B.
Jamie: She has yet to speak to Ben (or speak, period), and I have a feeling that she won’t before she gets the boot next week.
Nicki: I like Nicki, and I see some lasting power, but she’s a little too into him for someone who has never had a one-on-one date. Final 6!
Kacie B.: Final Two! She’s super sweet and would do anything for Ben. She’s definitely freaking out, but has held it together in front of Ben.
Elyse: She has very little time left.
Blakeley: I was glad she found redemption with the women in the house, but I don’t know if I see someone so… voluptuous with Ben. He may need someone a bit more down-to-earth, but he may keep her around for the Fantasy Suite. Top 5!
Casey S: She’s a dark horse. I didn’t like her allegiance to Courtney, but I love her outfit choices and her look. I’m calling her a top three girl, but kind of by default. Ben will have eliminated everyone else, but sharing the name with another frontrunner will be a huge obstacle for her.
Emily: With the preview for next week showing that she continues to talk to Ben about Courtney’s Jekyll/Hyde routine, I don’t see it lasting for her. Sorry, Em!

That’s all folks… can’t wait to see what goes down next week! Well, actually, I can wait. xoxo.

Bachelor Ben: The Fight For Ashley's "Dumpster Trash" Continues in San Fran, the Episode 3 Recap.

2012-01-18T16:14:00.007-06:00

Admittedly, I hadn’t been anticipating this episode of The Bachelor as much as week’s episode and in seasons past. Part of it is the Bland Ben, and part of it is that I’ve been dreaming of the movie Fourth and God, telling Tim Tebow’s rags-to-riches story, starring a beefed up Zac Efron as Tim Tebow and Tom Cruise as the media villain who harasses Tebow. See Bill Simmons’ blog for the full cast.

This week, the women are headed to San Francisco, which Ben also calls home, apparently. Ben starts by debriefing with his sister Julia, who doesn’t hold a candle to Chris Harrison. Ben tells Julia about his favorite girls, including Courtney, who—for some reason inexplicable to anyone on the planet except Ben—Ben thinks would get along great with the down-to-earth Julia.

The ladies arrive at the posh Fairmont Hotel, and thank goodness, Chris Harrison is there to debrief the ladies. In case they weren’t clear on strategy, he advises them to take advantage of their time with Ben. Of course, the ladies don’t absorb any of this because no one can take their eyes off Chris in his Deep V.

Date 1: “Emily, Love Lifts Us Up. Ben.”

Chris leaves the ladies with the first date card, which is for Epidemiologist Emily. Emily immediately freaks out at the date card’s message. Being a Ph. D. student, she is able to decipher that this date might involve heights! The ABC interns knew she was afraid of heights, so they planned this date for her to bring added drama! Excellent work by the ABC interns.

As Emily prepares for her date, we have some foreshadowing of a rivalry between Emily and Courtney. Courtney presumes that the date will not be that good, because even though Emily is well-educated, book smart can be boring. What Courtney doesn’t realize is that dumb can also be boring. Hopefully we can get some more clichés from Court next week!

When they meet, Emily and Ben prance giddily towards each other on a pier. Ben tells Emily that today they will be climbing to the top of the Bay Bridge! This is Emily’s worst nightmare, but us viewers are disappointed ABC wouldn’t shell out the cash required to climb the Golden Gate Bridge instead.

This being a classic Bachelor Adventure Date, reminiscent of Michelle Money’s rappelling date and Jake and Vienna’s bungee date, we know two things: (1) Ben and Emily will bond under the intense circumstances and (2) Ben and Emily will come up with some great analogies of their intense experience to love. Too bad relationships that start under intense circumstances never last, as any fan of awesomely bad action movies like Speed knows.

Ben and Emily trek up the steep incline of the suspension bridge, where all they have are some clamps and harnesses holding them in. The challenge looks scary; there is little protection from falling and they are getting high off the ground. Emily is not doing well as they get higher. Ben tries to lighten the mood with a Top Gun reference: “Talk to me, Goose!” Has he not seen Top Gun? Goose dies! The reference does not boost morale on the bridge.

At this point, there’s much concern as to whether they will make it to the top. Thankfully, Ben does the only thing he can think of to inspire Emily to keep going: he kisses her! His kiss inspires Emily to press on towards the goal and face her fears. Emily realizes how similar this climb is to a relationship; even when you are scared, you must keep moving forward or you may not realize all the great things the other person has to offer you.

Emily and Ben are able to make it to the top of the bridge and realize more great love analogies. The bridge takes two things that are separate and brings them together, just like this experience has brought her and Ben together. I’m surprised that Emily doesn’t mention that the bridges in San Francisco are also top suicide locations. She could have told us how a bridge is where many people go to die, just like how after this date their relationship will likely die! Nope, Ben and Em focus on the positive, saying that if they can accomplish this, they can do anything together.

After the intense experience portion of the date, Emily and Ben move onto the dinner portion, where Ben pairs his favorite glorified sweatshirt with a suede blazer. Emily tells Ben her go-to online dating story about how she was matched with her older brother on the dating site. Sorry, Em, you’re my favorite, but my online dating stories blow yours out of the water. Ever had a guy named Anand give you his phone number as: 310-24-ANAND? (Actual phone number has been changed to protect the guilty.) Ever had a guy threaten to move cities because you told him you weren’t interested in going out? Ever had a guy ask you out, then tell you he couldn’t go out because he had another date at that time, but he could meet up just before that? I’d take a date with my brother compared to the bozos I get paired with.

I digress. Emily and Ben continue to have good conversation over dinner, although it’s hard to tell whether a spark is there, but thankfully, Chris Harrison reported in his blog that the spark was there. If there was any doubt, the spark arrives when the interns start shooting off fireworks to inspire a make-out sesh between Emily and Ben! What a great date—Emily of course gets the rose!

Date 2-GROUP DATE!!!!!!!!!! “Let’s Cross Something Off Our Leap List. Ben.”

The girls receive a date card inviting everyone except Emily, Jennifer the Accountant, Courtney, Lindzi of First Impression fame and Brittney of grandma fame on the date. Once the card is read, because a leap list sounds like something fabricated by the ABC interns, the ladies have a staged conversation where Rachel explains that a leap list is a list of things you want to do before your next big milestone, like getting married. A google search reveals that it’s something Honda made up as a part of its promotional campaign for its new CRV. You make up ten things you want to do before your next big “leap” in life, and then buy a CRV to help accomplish those things! So practical.

The girls sprint to the hotel lobby where they meet Ben. To our dismay, Blakeley chose not to wear a children’s size small romper on this week’s date. To help the ladies and Ben accomplish their Leap Lists, Honda has thankfully provided CRVs to drive them to the date location. Good thing—the usual limo would not have done the job, as it’s not equipped with an awesome wallpaper feature to showcase the ladies’ glamour shots.

Upon arriving at the top of one of San Francisco’s hilly streets, Ben pretends to have a Leap List and tells the ladies that skiing down a street in San Fran has always been on his Leap List. This makes perfect sense, because it’s not something he could ever do after he gets married or takes a “leap” in life.

Nevertheless, the ABC interns have been up all night crushing ice and making snow to put on the street, and the ladies are told they’ll be skiing down it! The interns have conveniently compiled skis and ski boots in all of the ladies’ sizes, the ladies have conveniently worn bikinis so they can ski down the hill and onlookers have conveniently congregated to see that it appears a soft core porn video is being filmed in their neighborhood.

Any well-seasoned skier can tell you how sweet this bunny hill and icy snow would be to ski on, especially when you only can go down once as there’s no lift or t-bar to take them back up. One run down a narrow street with no moguls, no real incline and no room to turn would be…. cool. The ladies, particularly Kacie B are bad at skiing, but Ben likes seeing her in her bikini, so it’s cool. Don’t feel bad, Kacie. My sister and her patented snowplow technique probably wouldn’t have made it down the hill in one piece either.

Back at the house, Jennifer, Lindzi, Courtney, Emily and Brittney await a date card, as they must spend all their time doing, and it conveniently arrives: “Brittney, let’s unlock our love with a key to the city. Ben.” Emily can tell Brittney is apprehensive about the date, so she encourages Brittney how much fun she’ll have with Ben on the date. Courtney, on the other hand, breaks out the voodoo doll she’s made of Brittney. Drama! Cue the commercial for Honda CRVs and making leap lists.

Back on the date, Ben has taken the ladies to a local San Francisco bar where they’ll do some post-skiing partying. First, Rachel Nose-Ring takes Ben aside so she can tell him how much she likes him and make out with him. Next, Kacie B. must step up as the girl-who-got-the-first-date-and-now-feels-envious-of-the-other-girls. She pulls Ben aside and tells him that she finds this dating thing hard, and he comforts her in the way he learned from Brad Womack: making out with her.

Back at the house, Brittney, whose looks have rapidly deteriorated since the first cocktail party where she kept her grandma by her side, tells Emily she’s going home. There’s no real explanation, so one can assume that it was Sheryl, the grandma, who had the real feelings for Ben or that Courtney’s voodoo doll did the job. Brittney interrupts Ben on his date—thank goodness she was able to locate him at the bar—and tells him she’s leaving and taking the key to the city with her. “Who are you again?” he says. Grandma Sheryl has a life-ending seizure as she watches the episode, and Ben and viewers alike are most concerned about what ABC will do about that last one-on-one date!

Ben continues his time with the ladies on the group date, fondling Blakeley’s fakeleys and making Monica cry by giving Rachel the date rose. That concludes the group date. Thank goodness they all got to knock an item off their leap lists.

Date 3: “Lindzi, Let’s Unlock Our Love With a Key to the City. (Don’t worry. I know I gave Brittney the key, but I have a copy.) Ben.” Alternatively, “Lindzi, Your first impression was a lasting one. Let me show you San Francisco at night. Ben.”

No comment is made by Lindzi regarding the fact that she’s getting a date designed for someone else. She’s just excited to see the city at night with Ben! They get some ice cream and head to what has to be the coolest place ever: City Hall. Thank goodness Ben has a key. “Who is this guy?” exclaims Lindzi, who does not seem to realize that the ABC producers gave Ben the key. Even cooler, some dude named Matt Nathanson is around to play a song they’ve never heard! Too bad that delightful Scott Stapp wasn’t available.

Ben and Lindzi continue to have fun on the date, as they head to a speakeasy bar with bookshelves that open into secret rooms. While they sit, Lindzi reveals to Ben her made-up story about getting dumped via text. I assumed the guy must have been one of those match.com losers she went on two dates with, but she says it was someone who she dated 18 months. He was likely trying to break up with her 17 of those 18 months, and she wasn’t getting the hint.

Impressed by the story, Ben gives her the rose and they head to a piano store, where he plays the one song he knows how to play on the piano. They dance the night away, to the music playing in their heads or by the ABC intern’s boombox hidden behind a piano.

Drama-Free Rose Party Time!!!!!!!

The rose party begins, and Courtney suggests they work towards a drama-free night (although she will make her best efforts not to have this happen). Little do the ladies know, an interloper is on her way. The interloper apparently has Chris Harrison’s cell phone number and has spoken to Ben in the past. She plans to join the ranks of the ladies competing for Ben’s love.

At the rose party, Ben chats with Jennifer for a bit. He tells her, “I think you’re the best kisser in the house. I mean, I’ve kissed a lot of these girls, and you’re the best. I haven’t kissed them all, of course, so there could be someone better.” Jennifer is thrilled and keeps it a secret from the other girls. Wise decision, or Courtney might create a voodoo doll of her too.

Courtney, forgetting her earlier advice, tries to cause drama at the party by saying Nicki’s wine flashcard game is childish, which it is, and that Blakeley is like the girl your boyfriend cheats on you with, which she is. She then asks Lindzi why she’s making weird faces at Elyse and walks away. Emily then asks the question on America’s mind, “Why is she so weird?” and suggests Courtney seek psychiatric help for her social disorder and orthodontic help for her overbite.

Ben takes Courtney through a rotating bookshelf to a secret balcony where JFK used to take Marilyn, so you know it’s romantic. Courtney makes the most of her time with Ben, as they talk about how much they like each other on a scale of 1 to 10 and how cute their babies would be. Once they’ve covered the deep stuff, they make out.

The interloper finally arrives at the Fairmont Hotel, and as Chris greets her, it is revealed that it is Shawntel the Funeral Director from Brad Womack’s season! Shawntel had a great date with Brad in Anguilla where they met Auntie Bea who gave relationship advice. Shawntel has taken this advice to heart and is pursuing Ben. Chris suggests Shawntel freshen up and go say hi to Ben and let him know why she’s there.

According to Harrison’s blog, Shawntel and Ben had texted a few times before Ben was named The Bachelor, allowing Shawntel to figure out that she and Ben are meant to be. But alas, he was named Bachelor and would certainly end up engaged to someone for 4 months, so she’d never get to see their love through. You can learn a lot about a man by text, such as whether he uses proper grammar or says things like “cant wait 2 c u 2.” The latter is definitely a red flag. I know firsthand.

Up at the party, just before Shawntel makes her entrance, Ben and Elyse are sharing some alone time. Elyse is particularly upset that she doesn’t get to finish her conversation with Ben, and it’s understandable based on how well it was going. Elyse had told Ben how nervous she was around him, and the next moment he was consoling her, telling her there are plenty more 1-on-1 dates to be given out. Elyse hates Shawntel for interrupting this moment, although she should be thanking her for interrupting this awkward conversation and probably making Ben forget about it.

Shawntel tries to explain to Ben why she’s there, and does an awful job of it. She mainly just wants to know if she has a chance with him. With Chris’s permission and at the prompting of ABC producers who wanted more drama on the show, she will be entering the pool of ladies and hoping to receive a rose that night. It’s a little annoying to have someone who decides they want to date Ben be allowed join the ranks of ladies, solely because she was on the show before, but it’s not surprising. The ABC producers have pulled far crazier stunts to cause drama, like calling Deanna back to make a fake play for Jason Mesnick. Really, the only surprising thing is that she didn’t make some sort of reference to this being on her Leap List.

The ladies are beyond upset about Shawntel’s arrival, particularly Elyse. Nor surprisingly, the most upset ladies are those who we can already tell have no chance with Ben. Elyse keeps saying obnoxiously, “Who IS she?!” When Shawntel tells the ladies that she is here for Ben, Elyse yells, “You don’t KNOW Ben. You were on Brad’s season.” I am going to refrain from commenting on the stupidity presented here. Jaclyn doesn’t want to reuse Brad’s dumpster trash, although she doesn’t seem to have a problem with reusing Ashley’s “dumpster trash.”

Things at the party are quickly spiraling out of control, and the ABC producers are toasting champagne to their great idea of inviting back Shawntel. It’s hard to blame the ladies for being annoyed and upset, but they take things a bit far and should realize that this is probably more the scheming of the ABC producers. The girls forget that the point here is for Ben to find the woman of his dreams, but that apparently should have been qualified as the being with one of the original 25 ladies who were handpicked by the ABC interns based on their propensity to cause drama.

Just when things get really heated, Chris emerges from a hidden bookshelf door and tells the ladies that it’s time for the rose ceremony. Ben gives out roses to all the girls, leaving out only Erika, Jaclyn and Shawntel for the final rose. Courtney, upon accepting her rose, qualifies her acceptance by saying, “I saw you talking to What’s-her-butt and I didn’t like it. I will be making a voodoo doll if you give her a rose.” Everyone else just accepts normally. Just when we think we've seen it all, all hell breaks loose at the rose ceremony, and Erika faints upon imagining that Shawntel, whose thighs are thicker than hers, might get a rose over her. She is revitalized by orange juice and sticking her head between her legs, thank goodness.

Chris emerges again from a rotating bookshelf to announce the final rose, but alas, Ben elects not to give out the rose. Chris, following in the footsteps of Regis Philbin, confirms with Ben that this is his final answer, then, upon touching a secret book, retreats into a hidden stairwell.

Shawntel is sad to go, but holds her head high. “Namaste, bitches,” she announces as she exits. Erika, now breathing again, is also bummed. “If only I had retouched up my lip tattoo a 3rd time,” she says, “then I’d have a rose.” Jaclyn questions whether she should have considered talking to Ben, rather than just ripping on Blakeley and Shawntel, but in the end, we know she made the right decision.

As Ben walks Shawntel out, largely ignoring Erika and Jaclyn who are also leaving, he lets her know that it just didn’t seem fair to let her stay. “No worries,” said Shawntel. “Just give me a call after you break up with whoever you pick.” Ben responds, “Of course! Unless we hook up on the set of this season’s Bachelor Pad first!” It’s hard to say whether Ben eliminated Shawntel solely for the sake of “fairness." Regardless, I’m a firm believer in the “He’s Just Not That Into You” mindset, which says that if Ben was really interested, he’d give her a rose. Of course, Ben is smart enough to see that doing that would have really screwed up his chances with a lot of other girls for whom he currently has stronger feelings, which is the main factor working against Shawntel.

Shawntel and Ben seem to have some kind of chemistry (although one might argue that if he wanted to date or pursue her, he could have prior to being named Bachelor), and to me, it seems unfortunate that ladies like Monica and Elyse, who have no perceivable chemistry with Ben, will get to continue. I won’t be surprised if Shawntel and Ben start talking again after he ends it with whatever girl he picks.

Next week, it’s off to Park City, where we’ll have the return of every girl Ben has ever spoken to, including Jennifer Love Hewitt and a teller at the local Sonoma bank! Now, back to thinking about Fourth and God. xoxo.

Bachelor Ben: Apparently They're Letting Anyone Write Plays These Days. The Episode 2 Recap.

2012-01-11T15:00:00.002-06:00

Welcome back after an intense Round One! This week, like most of The Bachelor’s target audience, I struggled over the decision whether to watch the BSC Championship game or The Bachelor. Unfortunately, saner minds did not prevail, and I tuned into this week’s debacle.

As the episode opened, Ben informs us that he’s bringing the ladies to Sonoma this week because he knows this stint as Bachelor won’t result in a lasting relationship, and he wants to use every opportunity to promote his winery. So, the ABC interns find a cool mansion on VRBO and spruce it up for some Rose Party debauchery! This is exciting and all, but we’re left wondering, ‘Where’s Chris and his dazzling wardrobe?’

After welcoming the ladies, Ben hands out the first date card to Kacie B., proving that he’s no Chris, as he doesn’t even read the date card! We can assume it says, “Let’s Baton-Twirl Down Memory Lane.”

Date 1: “Kacie B., Let’s Baton-Twirl Down Memory Lane.”

Ben is really excited to take Kacie B. on this date, despite the fact that she opted to wear daisy duke shorts with knee-high boots. They arrive in downtown Sonoma, which consists of one totally abandoned street, a few Cracker Barrel-like stores, and an old winery that Ben thinks is historic. “Beautiful, isn’t it?” Ben asks. “It is!” says Kacie B. Based on such deep conversation, it’s not surprising that Ben then tells us how comfortable they are together.

As they walk around, Ben wants to make sure Kacie will fit in small town Sonoma, and he wants her to see how family-oriented it is. Ben knows Kacie is family-oriented, because she is from the South, and all Southern people are family-oriented. To help show his own family-orient, two interns pose as old friends of Ben, and Kacie is clearly impressed with how family-oriented Ben and Sonoma are.

As they leave the local candy shoppe, Kacie B. sees that one of the interns has planted a baton in the front window of the store, so she goes in and steals it. She then confesses to Ben that she used to be a baton twirler, and she wants to teach him how to twirl. He obliges, saying, “I don’t think a lot of guys would walk down the street and twirl a baton on a date,” but he is willing to embarrass himself. Way to pat yourself on the back for doing something absolutely any guy in your shoes—even Bentley—would do, Ben.

Ben’s willingness to twirl the baton wins Kacie over, as expected, and there’s talk of the “perfect date” and the “perfect man.” Kacie must never have been on a date before, or she’s going on dates comparable to the terrible ones I go on, because this date seems average at best. But, thanks to her daily ritual of watching scenes from Ben’s season of Bachelorette has really helped her get to know Ben faster, thus allowing her feelings to grow more quickly.

The ABC Producers Ben treats Kacie to dinner at Sonoma’s only restaurant, The Girl & The Fig. Over dinner, Ben tells her that he really needs someone that can be a part of his life in Sonoma. Kacie B. wisely tells Ben, as any girl would on a first date, that she would immediately drop her life as a secretary and join his life in this quaint town. A little bit too much information on a first date, perhaps, but acting desperate and having no life or aspirations of your own are keys to success on The Bachelor, so Ben gives Kacie B. the rose.

Ben tells Kacie B. that the ABC interns have one more surprise for them. They head to The Sebastiani Theater, which I like to call “The Alex” of Sonoma, where the intern has also left out some popcorn and soda. I’m hoping they’ll be watching a movie—perhaps a rousing viewing of Nic Cage’s latest and greatest—but alas, it’s a slideshow that seems to actually have meaning to Ben and Kacie. How nice that the ABC interns were able to scrounge up these old videos!

We see both their childhoods, indicating that Ben seems to enjoy being naked (which may or may not be foreshadowing for later this season) and also has some tear-inducing shots of Ben with his dad. The two bond over the movie and are very touched, so in response, they make out. Best. First. Date. Ever!!! As a side note, after seeing how well it went over, I’m definitely going to steal this date idea for my first dates. Forget pub trivia. I’m going with the “touching pictures from when I was a child” slideshow.

GROUP DATE: “Come Play With Me.”

Back at the house, a date card had been delivered for Brittney (Sheryl’s granddaughter), Rachel, Jennifer, Blakeley, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nicki, and Jaclyn, asking them to “come play with” Ben. How cryptic—better call Robert Langdon to help decipher this one!

Ben’s excited to enchant 12 ladies—so excited that he breaks out his best pair of white jorts. Monica, however, is just glad to be on a date with Blakeley. Ben tells the ladies that he’s hired the best playwrites in town and they’ll be auditioning for and acting out a play! What a kidder, that Ben; it turns out the “playwrites” are a group of diverse Sonoman children, serving the dual purpose of making Ben seem family-oriented and making the ABC Producers seem like they pay attention to minorities!

Like most group dates that don’t involve the exploitation of Emily’s dead NASCAR-racing fiancé, this one is a snooze-fest. Great time to check the score of the game, change laundry loads, watch ice melt, etc. The only thing of note is Blakeley’s decision to wear her costume from when she served as a “VIP cocktail waitress” for men with a penchant for candy-stripers. The other contestants and the children seem to think there’s something strange about the fact that her breasts are nearly erupting from her skin-tight romper, but Ben seemed to be into it.

After some bad auditions by the ladies, the play—“Prince Pinot of Bachelorville”—is performed in a community theater where some hick-ish looking townies and seat-fillers paid by ABC (who Ben tells the ladies are some of his “best friends”) have come to watch. Ben thinks the play the kids wrote is “awesome and funny,” which is baffling on all accounts. The play basically consists of the ladies going onstage in random costumes, kissing Ben, and then Ben taking his clothes off. There’s no discernible plot, but there may have been some deeper themes and character development that viewers missed out on.

After the play, it’s off to a very unique location for the afterparty: a poolside cocktail party! The rose is set in front of the ladies, and Blakeley immediately starts gunning for it. This causes Samantha, our pageant queen, to do what any girl would do in response: hide in the bathroom and cry. Other girls inexplicably go remove her from the bathroom, not realizing it’d have been to their advantage to leave her there.

Blakeley and Ben share some one-on-one time, and Ben clearly has been smoking something, as he tells Blakeley he thinks she seems “grounded.” Ummm, has he seen Blakeley? She looks like she walked off the set of a soft-core porn movie about transvestites. She’s wearing more make up to a pool party than I’ve ever worn in my life!

Back at the house, Elyse, Lindzi, Courtney, Erika, and Casey await the next one-on-one date card, which conveniently arrives right as they are talking about it. Courtney gets the date: “Courtney, let’s spin the bottle … Ben.” Courtney’s fangs/overbite continue to show, as she decides to stir up trouble by making ungracious remarks to the girls who won’t be going on dates. She asks Kacie B., “How’d that taste coming out of your mouth?” Kacie is rubbed the wrong way by the comment, and so is Erika, who admits that she’s jealous. I like Erika. She calls it like she sees it, and she’s not crying while doing so. However, with law school and aspirations of her own, she’s far too good for this show and especially for Ben.

Back on the date, the drama continues. Jennifer the accountant steals Ben aside so she can get some one-on-one time with him. They head to a secluded hot tub and have what seems to me to be a mediocre conversation about how nice of a time they had that day, but then they start making out, indicating that the alcohol is doing its job.

Blakeley freaks out after hearing that Jenna, who we all know is clueless, thinks Jennifer might get the rose. Blakeley thinks she needs to get more time with Ben to prove her womanhood (which actually, is in question, as the other ladies have noticed her masculine jaw).

“Being a Scorpio, we’re super passionate and we’re great lovers,” Blakeley says, as she heads out for “grown up time” with Ben. Ben is pleased to see her, and tells her that he really saw a side of her he hadn’t seen before and that she came out of her shell that day. That’s saying a lot when he’s known her for two days now, but I think he was talking about her breasts. She makes out with him, and the other girls cannot stand it.

At the end of the group date, Ben decides to give the rose to Blakeley, presenting the reason that she “made the most of her time with him in conversation,” which seems strange seeing that all they did was make out. The other girls are not happy, accusing Blakeley of being a man. It’s very possible they are right, as this show is in desperate need of new twist at the end. Can you just imagine Chris coming out after Ben has proposed to Blakeley, and saying, “Ben, we have just one more surprise for you!” Now, that would get ratings up.

Date 3: “Courtney, Let’s Spin the Bottle.”

Ben is optimistic for his date with Courtney. “She’s one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. I mean, she’s a model,” he says. I wonder how he knows she’s a model. He must remember her saying it at the rose party last week.

As they drive off with Ben’s pup Scotch in tow, we have conversation reminiscent of Bachelor great Brad Womack:
Courtney: “You look really hot driving this car.”
Ben: “Me? I think you look better riding shotgun.”
Needless to say, the physical attraction between these two has all the makings of a great 4-month engagement.

On the date, Ben plans to determine if Courtney the big city model can deal with smalltown life. Courtney’s been around the block a few times, so she knows to lie in this situation. She tells Ben she loves small towns, and Ben’s concerns that she’s too good to be true are relieved.

After howling with Scotch in the forest, the two retreat to a riverside picnic, where they drink wine that is not made by Ben’s winery. An intern has since been fired. Courtney plays the whole “I haven’t been on a date in forever” routine, and Ben eats it right up. “Courtney is the full package … smart, witty, drop dead gorgeous, has a huge overbite. It’s almost too good to be true.” Ding ding ding! Hmmm… a model who dates actors comes on the show and acts like you’re the greatest thing she’s seen in ages? It shouldn’t take a genius to see past this one.

The pair leaves Scotch in the woods and head to dinner, where the deep conversation continues. Courtney asks Ben about himself, so he tells her that he basically lived his college years with a BAC consistently over the legal limit. His life changed, however, when he came on The Bachelorette.

Courtney responds by telling Ben that she meets nice people, but she’s not interested in them. She dates actors and photographers, but the men in LA aren’t for her because she finds underwear in the bed when she dates them. Ben, these are red flags. Run. Rather than listen to the voices in his head, Ben listens to the voices in his pants, and gives Courtney the rose. The date concludes with them making out and talking about how it’s the best date ever.

In her interview after the date, Courtney tells us how excited she is about getting the rose and then pulls a Miss Lippy and starts rubbing it all over her face as if its glue.

After three miserable dates, it’s finally time for the ROSE PARTY. There was much Blakeley hating to be had, but let’s recap the highlights:

Lindzi. Ben takes Lindzi aside to chat because they did not get to have a date that week. Lindzi must impress Ben with how smalltownish she can be, seeing as she didn’t have the opportunity to do this by dressing in a stupid costume or howling with Scotch. She attempts to do this by telling Ben that she grew up on a farm, drives a truck, and normally, dirt is her makeup, but it’s a bit much. Hopefully Ben gives Lindzi a date soon, so she doesn’t have to try so hard in the little time she has.

Blakeley. During the party, Blakeley decides at least twice to interrupt Ben’s time with other girls, not realizing that when you have to chase down a guy in order to spend time with him, that’s not where you want to be. She also borrowed her dress from a Las Vegas streetwalker, errrr… ah…., nevermind, she probably owns it. The other girls start to notice Blakeley’s mannish appearance and also the fact that she may have a distant ancestor that is a horse, which results in her hiding behind luggage and crying—definitely the impression you want to make on Week 2.

Jenna. Jenna was made for this show. Jenna should be invited back for an Allstars Round with Melissa of bad eyebrow fame. She’d kept a low profile and not talked to Ben on the group date, which is definitely the strategy she should have stuck with. At the party, though, Ben took her aside to sit on a couch. She tried to sabotage their time by burning a blanket with a nearby candle, but Ben put a stop to that, so she was forced to speak to him. Jenna does not put together a complete sentence with Ben, but this is as close as we’ll see her come:

“I might wanna be honest a little bit. Like, I just feel like, you know, I… I feel like I’m a guy in how I act, and so like, being around girls all the time, this is very abnormal for me, in what people say. I don’t want you to think that I’m not, because it might appear as if I’m not, it’s, I mean, it’s just hard, there’s only you, so it’s like, waiting around for you. And it’s totally worth it, but I’m not like, a girl, if that makes any sense.”

No, Jenna, it doesn’t make any sense. Ben just kind of smiles and reminds a note to himself to file a restraining order, but Jenna now feels as if she has put herself out there for Ben. The next logical step for her is to go to the bedroom and cry, so that’s what she does. Chris Harrison noted in his blog that Jenna and Ben had one other conversation that was somehow more awkward than this one. I imagine it went something like Jenna saying, “Maybe sometime we could go share a tampon.”

Just as things start getting out of control, with Ben finding Blakeley and Jenna crying in random places around the house, Chris Harrison appears for the first time this episode and breaks up the party. He clinks that champagne glass like never before and, wearing a matching outfit with Ben, brings the party outdoors, where it appears to be absolutely freezing outside.

Ben hands out the rose, and unfortunately, rather than just eliminate all the girls except Courtney and Blakeley, Ben eliminates only a frostbitten Shawn and Jenna. I’m very sad that we won’t get to hear the story of Shawn’s illegitimate child and why he wasn’t chosen to be one of the young playwrites, but it’s no surprise to anyone but Jenna that she’s going home. She has a nice cry, talking about how mortified and shocked she is, when she really should have seen this coming.

Ben gives a little speech about how happy he is to have girls like Courtney and Blakeley along for the ride, but next week, it’s off to San Francisco for skiing, bikinis, and the return of an ex-girlfriend! What could be better, other than this show getting cancelled!?

Bachelor Ben: Good Things End Badly - The Premiere Recap.

2012-01-03T22:07:00.009-06:00

Welcome back, Bachelor lovers, haters and people who just have nothing better to do! The sweet sound of Chris Harrison’s voice beckons us right back into the mansion, as if we never left. This season, we have a seemingly normal Bachelor in winemaker Ben Flajnik, whose easygoing and low-key attitude translates onscreen to… boring. I appreciate Ben and his resistance to say cheesy things like, “I truly believe my wife is in this room,” but he’s not a recipe for winning television. Thankfully, ABC appears to have gone beyond the call of duty to find psychotic women this season! Yay for that.

On to tonight’s episode: we get our standard premiere, where we contemplate ~~Brad’s~~ Ben’s journey for love and how he’s now a changed man. Ben meets the ladies one by one. Drama and tears ensue at the rose party. Ben eliminates the girls whom the producers have informed him have restraining orders against them. More tears ensue. Finally, we see a preview of the season, where we’ll have more tears, love and backstabbing! Suh-weet!

For the four viewers who are new to the show and didn’t watch Ashley’s season of The Bachelorette, ABC reminds us of how the ABC producers forced Ashley to allow Ben to get down on one knee and propose to her, only to send him on his way by rowboat to the middle of the sea. This was the best thing that ever happened to Ben, even though he pretends it took him time to move on, because rather than spend 6 to 9 months engaged to a really insecure girl before breaking up, he got to have a fling with Jennifer Love Hewitt, and now he’s getting paid to travel the world with hot women and pretend to think it’s going to work out with one of them!

Through a classic Bachelor montage, ABC also shows us what Ben has been up to since that fateful proposal. Naturally, I just figured he was training for the Australian Open, but boy was I wrong. Actually, he’s been contemplating how he’s a changed man. Since Ashley’s season, he’s been sailing, practicing his sea-kayaking skills, playing the piano, walking the streets of San Fran, walking around his vineyard in the same outfit he wore when walking the streets of San Fran, carrying a log around his winery, and contemplating on mountaintops and piers. Since last season, he’s also ditched his job as an internet advertiser, as ABC producers advised him that winemaking is far more romantic. None of that matters, though. Ben is ready to find love! That’s what he tells us anyway. He seems way too genuine of a person to me to actually find love on this show, but I’m sure he’s getting paid a pretty penny to try to fill the shoes of the cheesy and confused Brad Womack.

Only after Ben’s contemplation comes the moment we’ve been waiting for: Chris Harrison welcomes us back to the mansion, looking dapper as ever in his pinstripe suit and skinny tie. In case we weren’t watching the montage of Ben contemplating, Chris reminds us that Ben was rejected at the altar by Ashley, but is now ready to find love.

Next, Chris gives us a sampling of the ladies who will be vying for the love of the winemaker and life on a vineyard/backyard operation. We know from past seasons that our winner will be in this bunch, along with a few psychos to keep our eye out for. Here we have:

Lindzi C., 26, is the resident horse lover. She works in sales, but horses are her “zen.” In case you weren’t aware, falling in love is actually a lot like riding a horse, because you have to learn to get back in the saddle and ride again if you fall. Love is like this too! She also claims she’s been dumped by a text that said, “Babe, welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.” Next time around, I recommend she goes with a new sob story: “I was one of Tiger Wood’s mistresses.” That’s something people will get behind.

Amber, (she claims 28, but the caption says 29), is the resident sharp shooter. She shoots guns, wears camo, and eats beef nuts that look like chicken fingers. They are cow balls, though, and she’s going to force them down Ben’s throat whether he likes it or not. What man wouldn’t want to date her? Probably Ben. She must have been a carry-over from the applications for Brad Womack’s season.

Kacie B., 24, is a secretary from Tennessee. Kacie spends her free time re-watching and analyzing scenes from Ben’s stint on The Bachelorette. It’s clear, however, that the man whose heart she is really after is Ryan del Sol, when she holds her hands up in the shape of a heart, just as Ryan del Sol did.

Courtney, 28, a model, will be this season’s villain, as she says that she is not worried about the competition from other girls, and she thinks they’ll be intimidated by her. She ain’t no slashie, folks, and she’s expecting no less than a 2 carat rock when she’s proposed to. Lucky for Ben, Neil Lane will be footing the bill. As far as modeling, she’s mostly done regional stuff, but she’s rumored to have a big tube sock ad coming out.

Jamie, 25, is a nurse who will be this season’s token “dead parent” sob story, and also who claims to have raised her younger siblings because her mom had some sort of issues. It truly was sad, because, as she notes, they did not have the nicest of clothes. While you’ve gotta love the fake scene of her examining a patient, the most touching part is when we see her siblings, who look as though they’ve been raised by wolves.

Lyndsie J., 29, is an internet entrepreneur who has lived in many countries, but is originally from England. For some reason, she thought it’d be a good idea to take random robes and quilts and pawn them off as clothes from Swaziland, Switzerland, Japan, the Philippines, and now Arizona. It wasn’t a good idea, and it’s no surprise she gets the boot.

Jenna, 27, is a freelance writer/blogger who aspires to be the next Carrie Bradshaw.

She has written such groundbreaking thoughts as, “What does LOVE really mean?” and “Do I believe in soulmates? No. But do I believe in true love?” Presumably, she does believe in true love, but we didn’t see what she wrote next.

She had a blog called “The Overanalyst” because she overanalyzes and then panics. She leaves us with no question as to the truth of this statement, either. She also may or may not be the long lost sister of Kate and Pippa Middleton.

Shawn, 28, is from Phoenix, works in finance and is this season’s token single mother! The coolest thing about her is that she gives absolutely no insight as to whom Gavin’s father is, so we can only assume Gavin is the result of one of many one night stands.

Nicki, 26, thinks that she and Ben will be able to relate to each other because she once got married at age 21 and gave up on the marriage after a couple years when it wasn’t what she thought it would be. She thinks it’s crazy that she could be engaged to Ben in two months, but she knows that the next time, it’ll be forever. Somehow, I’m thinking that won’t be the case.

After meeting the ladies, Chris sits down with Ben and reminds him once again that Ashley rejected him last season. As if any of us forgot, Chris. Thankfully, Ben is a new man. Chris seems a little off his game, perhaps because he’s so used to interviewing Brad Womack, who enjoyed repeating “I like roses” over and over and who would have already stated 18 times that he’s sure he’d meet his wife tonight. Regardless, Ben’s ready to meet the 25 ladies. Here are a few highlights:

Best Introduction: I’m going with Courtney the Model for her line, “Do you come here often?” She must have paid someone else to come up with it, because it was kind of clever. Jamie, the girl who raised her siblings with the help of wolves, also had a good one when she simply said, “I don’t have anything cute or corny to tell you, but I’m Jamie.” It was cute and genuine, even though she probably rehearsed it a million times. To me, all you have to do is come off genuine and not like an idiot, and you’re fine. Ben seemed to like these two gals, too, though I don’t think it was necessarily the charm of their intros as much as their looks.

“Bold Strategy, Cotton, We’ll See How it Plays Out”: This goes to Anna, who just walks right by Ben without saying a word. The strategy did not pan out, unfortunately, but it was definitely unique. Ben seemed to like it, though, so we can assume that she did something real stupid (possibly in the kickball game) that secured her exit.

Worst Introduction: Jenna/Pippa for, “I loved what you said last season, about how good things end badly.” Ben corrected her, “Good things don’t end, unless they end badly?” The other girls asked her how it went, and she says, “I messed up. It’s over.” Her reaction resembled that of my father when he gets one game wrong on his NCAA March Madness bracket: “Well, my bracket’s ruined. It’s over.”

Sneakiest Ploy for Rose: Finding someone’s grandma, breaking her leg and giving her crutches, and paying her to talk you up to Ben all night. Brittney, I have a hard time believing that you didn’t pick Sheryl out of a retirement home. I can’t wait for the scandal to hit the pages of US Weekly. The other girls are pissed that they didn’t think to hit up the nursing home for props too.

Best Almost-Gift: Had Amber Bacon actually given Ben some bacon, she surely would have gotten a rose.

Most Pre-Rehearsed Act: Believe it or not, I’m not giving this to the accountant who gave Ben the number of miles she traveled to be on the show, times she’s been arrested, dresses she tried on, and times she’s been in love. I liked that one. This award goes to Dianna, who paused, thought, and said, “I had something I was going to say, and now I can’t even think!” Dianna, it was clear from Ben’s reaction the moment you stepped out of that limo that you weren’t getting a rose. You should have just gotten back in the limo.

Best Use of Inanimate Object: Shawn. Not only did she have strategic use of her breasts almost falling out of her dress, but she also managed to find a soccer ball in the mansion to show Ben her skills! Good work, Shawn!

Worst Use of Inanimate Object: Dianna blindfolds Ben and feeds him candies that she was apparently keeping in a sack lunch bag. It was lame and irrelevant, and there was no way it was going to save her from elimination.

Most Likely to Turn Up on CSI: Levi (or “First Impression Rose”), the horse that Lindzi rode in on and was then left wandering in the driveway of the mansion. Lindzi was just asking for Levi to run out into the street and get lost by leaving him like that.

Most Likely to Cry Over a Balcony: Jenna/Pippa has demonstrated a strong propensity to cry over a balcony, possibly stronger than any one contestant has shown after only a single episode. Jenna asks Monica if she has feelings for Ben, and Monica says she does not. Jenna is shocked that Monica might not have feelings for him after speaking only four words to him. Monica, sensing that she can mess with Jenna's overanalyzing head, plays up her lack of feelings, and Jenna goes off the deep end. This resulted in the most bizarre, alcohol-driven fight since Melissa’s accusations to the Manscaper that she was "lying by omission" on Brad’s season. The fight culminated with a rejection of an invitation to share a tampon, sending Jenna off to the bathroom to hyperventilate, nearly missing the rose ceremony. Nothing more needs to be said about this; we all heard the bathroom meltdown. Thank goodness they keep microphones in those bathrooms or contestants might actually have some privacy.

Most Insightful Quip: Jenna tells Ben, after denying that she’s been crying when she has mascara running down her face, “I just feel like you, like, but that makes us, like, if we could be more nervous, but you could, we all could be more nervous, but the way you’re calm, we’re like so nervous, but it calms us down a little bit.” The girl failed to speak a coherent sentence to Ben, but still managed to get a rose. Only time will tell if she’ll have ever achieve the feat of a coherent sentence spoken to Ben. Needless to say, I won’t be reading her blog.

Worst Poem: At first blush, I might have given this to the British girl who read the poem, but no. However, this goes to Emily, the STD girl, who has a talent for rapping. She actually does a great job with it, but you never want to get put in the “poem” category on the first night.

Best Fake Job: It’s a toss-up between Rachel, the “Fashion Sales Representative” from New York, who actually folds clothing at Abercrombie and Fitch for a living, and Blakely, the “VIP Cocktail Waitress” who actually removes clothing at gentlemen's clubs for a living.

Token Minority: Like the last two seasons, we have no minorities. We don’t even have a vampire or shape-shifter this season! I guess this goes to Courtney the Model, who is 1/16 Native American.

Best Way to Ensure You’ll Never Have a Job in Your Field: This goes to Erika, a law student (who happens to be a student at my alma mater), for using the line, “The verdict is in, and you are guilty… of being sexy.” She doesn’t do legal innuendo quite as well as Ryan Gosling… but then again, who does? (For more information, see Crazy Stupid Love; see also Law School Ryan Gosling.)

Best Way to Ensure You Won’t Get a Rose: Samantha, the pageant girl who wears her sash? Oh wait. Somehow she got one. I’m sure we’ll get to say goodbye to her soon. We’ll go with the girl who claimed to know everything about wine, and then actually knew nothing. I think her name was Shee-rah, but it no longer matters.

Best One-on-One Time EVER: Courtney tells Ben, “A year ago, I wouldn’t have been here. I wouldn’t have been available. I’m at the point in my life where I’m a model. I travel the world. I model. And I travel. I’m at a place where … I’m a model.” She plays with her hair the entire time. Ben doesn’t really say anything, but she lets us know that she had the best one-on-one time ever and she’s better than the other girls.

Did I Accidentally Put Jersey Shore On? Award: Shawn, the single mother from Arizona, who showed up with the best fake tan, worst blond highlights, and cheapest looking green dress I’ve ever seen, takes this one home. This also gives us some insight that my theory as to the baby daddy is correct.

Most Likely to Quit Show to be another Contestant: I don’t think I need to state the obvious here. Best of luck to Monica in her journey to find love… with a VIP Cocktail Waitress!

Best Idea No One Thought Of: Give Ben a bottle of his own wine as your introduction! That’s what I’d have done, but I’d have done it in a teasing way, by saying, “So I tried this really good wine the other day… have you ever had this?” It’d have been cheesy and stupid, but I bet it’d have gotten me a rose. And if it didn’t, I’d have plenty of wine to drown my sorrows in.

And with that, it’s elimination time. I’m sure Ben wishes he had the help of Dr. Jamie when it comes to these tough decisions, but he eliminates Amber Bacon, another girl named Amber who I don’t remember meeting (cow balls Amber), and the Brit. All that what-to-do and he only sends home three girls? Cut us some slack, producers! We can only take so many episodes of this crap! Oh wait, more ladies did get the boot--7 total. The Bold Move girl, Dianna the candy feeder, Shee-rah, and the hat girl also got booted. I guess they just didn't cry in their send-off speech, so we didn't see those.

After one hour and fifty-two minutes of me trying to claw my eyes out, we finally get to the best part of the episode: the previews for the rest of the season! As expected, there’s travel, there’s love, there’s drama, there’s girls not there for the Right Reasons, there’s skinny-dipping, and there’s even the return of an ex-girlfriend! All we can hope is that Ben’s best Bromance Constantine returns to help his main man find love and weed out the lunatics!

Until next week, XOXO.

p.s. Thank you to the random websites I borrowed pictures from. Also thank you to Ryan Gosling for being guilty... of being sexy.

Sexiest Man Alive: A Case Study

2011-11-24T23:33:00.004-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving, Blog Readers! This year, after a rough bout of mono, I am thankful for my health and for my family and friends who stood by through the controversial illness. No one knew how I’d contracted it; it’s still a mystery. I’m also thankful for People Magazine’s issue dedicated to the Sexiest Man Alive and other sexy men. But then again, who isn’t?

Of course, we all know by now that Bradley Cooper was named Sexiest Man Alive, but going into November, it was a complete mystery. The vast majority of Sexiest Man Alive candidates have been actors, so one could only assume it would be an actor again this year.

Looking back at 2011, there’ve certainly been some sexy men starring in some sexy movies, but let’s be honest: this year has actually been kind of forgettable. Let’s see… there was Ashton Kutcher in No Strings Attached (NOT sexy), Ryan Reynolds in Green Lantern (Not again!), Chris Evans in Captain America (Why do people think he can anchor a movie?), Chris Evans in What’s Your Number? (really, please stop), Taylor Lautner and R-Patz in Another Twilight Movie (No.), Shia LaBeouf in Transformers: Dark of the Moon (We stopped paying attention before the first Transformers), and Vin Diesel in Fast Five (Why are they still making movies in this franchise?). There’s been a huge lack of sexy, to be frank. But if you remember one thing from bad movies in 2011, it’s the blue eyes of Bradley Cooper in Limitless and The Hangover Part II. More accurately, you remember the blues of his eyes from the trailers of those movies, as you (hopefully) wisely opted out of actually seeing the movies themselves after seeing the trailers.

In a response to the general lack of Sexy in 2011, People Magazine chose to recognize the beautiful work of Bradley Cooper’s eyes in the trailers for those movies by naming him Sexiest Man Alive 2011. His abs and scruff did not hurt his cause either. If there was any question as to whether this man was still taking NZT at the end of Limitless, it’s safe to say that question has been answered. He cooks. He speaks fluent French. And, he loves his Mom. There’s no other way he’d have been able to do these things, in addition to maintaining his career making bad to mediocre movies (i.e.,Valentine’s Day)—only with the help of a drug that allows him to access the 90% of his brain that he doesn’t otherwise use (which is a myth, I might note).

Regardless of Bradley Cooper’s accomplishments that actually aren’t that extraordinary at all, there has been much controversy surrounding the selection of Bradley Cooper as Sexiest Man Alive. Before we dissect the Sexy-ness that is Ryan Gosling or jump to any conclusions about whether People Magazine made the right decision in naming Bradley Cooper the Sexiest of the Living Sexy Men, let’s briefly review People’s case for Bradley Cooper and, of course, his eyes, as Sexiest Man Alive:

• On working out: “I’m very sporty, but I don’t have a set regimen.” Response: SEXY. He’s unpredictable when it comes to his workouts. What’s not sexy about that? Does it even matter?
• On his scruff: “I never shave every day unless I have to do it for a role.” Response: SEXY. Scruff is always the right answer.
• On his face: “Sometimes I can look great, and other times I look horrifying. I’m a shape shifter.” Response: NOT SEXY. Being modest is always good, but references to Twilight are never okay.
• On his freezer: “There’s nothing in my freezer, ever.” Response: So either he’s always cooking or always ordering in or eating out. But no ice cream? Still, SEXY!
• On his eyes: “I don’t wear contacts. Sometimes they’re not that blue. They kind of morph.” Response: SEXY. Such deep thoughts from Bradley Cooper. Let’s keep digging.
• On luggage and travel: “I never check a bag.” Response: Depends how long he’s going to be gone. Re-using underwear is not okay, but packing light is always good.
• On his worst habit: “I pick my teeth with anything I can find. I’ll use a steak knife. That, and burping.” Response: Weak. My dad once used a woodchip to pick his teeth. Until B-Coop is using woodchips, this is not a bad habit. He must have worse habits than this. Could he be lying? NOT SEXY!
• On what he wears to sleep: “Sometimes I go naked. It depends. I went through a stage in high school where I thought silk boxers were cool, but they ride up and it’s the worst.” Response: SEXY? You know they paid him extra to say that, so NOT SEXY. Just tell us the truth. We know you’re a boxer-brief man.
• On music: “I have a saxophone, a piano and a couple guitars at home. I like to fool around with instruments.” Response: NOT SEXY. Read between the lines. He once decided to waste his money on instruments to seem musical, and now he never really touches them.
• On whether he likes women in flats or heels: “Depends how tall she is. Whatever makes her comfortable.” Response: NOT SEXY. Read between the lines. Whatever makes her comfortable, as long as she’s shorter than me.
• On what he finds sexy in a woman: “The female figure is a very sexy thing; neck and feet and hands and back. But it all has to be fueled by a soul. Sophocles said as an old man that he’d finally been set free by the ‘furious master.’ Women are a life force.” Response: SEXY. Not really, though. The Sophocles quote really has nothing to do with anything, and it’s highly possible that Sophocles never said that. I’m too lazy to look it up. But there’s something sexy about a man who talks gibberish, including made up Sophocles quotes.

People Magazine does build a pretty good case for Bradley Cooper as Sexiest Man Alive. But looking at all the sexy men out there, it does seem like a bit of a surprise that Bradley Cooper was named. Although there were many duds making bad movies this year, we still had our usual stars. Did Leonardo DiCaprio not love his mom enough? Does Daniel Craig not keep the right musical instruments sitting around the house? Is Chace Crawford shaving too often? Did Alex Pettyfer burn his home down one too many times? What does Bradley Cooper do that the others do not?

Let’s take a closer look at Bradley Cooper’s resume, aside from his newly acquired title of Sexiest Man Alive. Although Bradley Cooper played one of my favorite movie characters ever—the psychotic SZack in Wedding Crashers, he managed to lose America’s love by playing a cheating, lying dirtbag in He’s Just Not That Into You. It wasn’t until The Hangover that he really became known, but this year, his only movies include The Hangover Part II, which scored an astonishingly low 36% on Rotten Tomatoes and Limitless. But we covered this. It was only his eyes that really drew attention from these movies.

So, that being said, one can only assume that it’s not his acting that put him on the Sexiest Man Alive radar. It can’t be just his eyes, though! Perhaps it is his relationships. He ended his two year relationship with Renee Zellweger in May, which was a relief, as he was definitely the more attractive half of that pair. He then had a fling with Jennifer Lopez. If J Lo finds a man sexy, then you know he’s the real deal. This certainly didn’t hurt Bradley Cooper.

Regardless, it’s safe to say that the Bradley Cooper sneak attack caught us all off guard. No one suspected he’d be named Sexiest Man Alive. I fully expected that Ryan Gosling would earn the honors this year, but perhaps he’s more suited for the Nobel Peace prize. Bradley Cooper is sexy for sure, but Sexiest Man Alive? I had to take this one to the streets. I asked my family to garner more information as to whom people think is sexy.

My Dad thought that Russell Crowe deserved Sexiest Man Alive. “He can be pretty sexy,” said K-Bone, “Have you seen Master and Commander?” My Mom could not remember who she thought should be Sexiest Man Alive, but she assured me that she had thought of someone who was very sexy. My brother backed Jared Leto, mainly because of his musical accomplishments, and my brother-in-law backed Kris Humphries, for the sympathy vote. My sister predictably backed Aaron Rodgers. A bum I talked to kept pushing Mugatu for his Derelicte Campaign. Opinions on what is sexy are all across the board! How is People Magazine possibly making this decision? Could the editors be on NZT as well? I can think of no other way that one would feel qualified to award someone “Sexiest Man Alive.”

As my readers probably already know and likely participated in the protests discussed below, People Magazine’s choice proved to be quite controversial. Several disgruntled Occupy Wall Streeters who had become upset with the hierarchy developing amongst OWS protesters decided to back a new cause: Occupy People Magazine. The Occupy People Magazine movement backed none other than Ryan Gosling for Sexiest Man Alive, which is unfortunate, as I doubt Gosling would approve of such behavior. I don’t blame them for getting bored with OWS, though.

And of course, OPM builds a great case for Gosling! It’s not difficult, as Gosling makes it easy. 2011 was undoubtedly the year of Gosling. He broke hearts as a likeable dirtbag (sharply contrasting with Cooper’s unlikeable dirtbag) with photo-shopped abs in Crazy Stupid Love. He moonlighted as a getaway driver with no name in Drive. What’s sexier than a getaway driver with no name other than “Driver”? He appeals to women, men, and gay men alike. On top of all this, he broke up a street fight in New York City! And he loves his mom! How could he not have been selected as Sexiest Man Alive?

Mysterious as this may seem, People Magazine did not overlook Gosling. In fact, they paid him homage with an entire page devoted to his “Random Acts of Sexiness.” Yes, that is the actual title of the feature. Someone got a raise for that one. Such random acts of sexiness include carrying his mohawked-pooch up an airport escalator, taking his mother to the Toronto premiere of The Ides of March, strumming a baglamas while walking around NYC, breaking up an NYC street fight, and just generally looking hot in Gucci. How are these random acts of sexiness not enough to catapult Gosling into Sexiest Man Alive territory? While Cooper is hoarding instruments that he doesn’t actually play, Gosling is actually strumming a baglamas! As if that’s not sexy enough, he even picked an instrument to strum that no one would have heard of so that no one would know how bad he is at playing it. Now that’s what I call sexy. Perhaps what’s holding Gosling back is that he does not speak another language fluently? Is it that his eyes are sort of crooked and his nose a little bit pointy? Could it be?

I would propose another reason for Gosling’s failure to be named Sexiest Man Alive: he didn’t want it enough. Read on:
• Exhibit A: His movie resume. Gosling has crafted a very interesting movie resume. Aside from The Notebook and Crazy Stupid Love, he’s mostly selected movies that aren’t going to be blockbusters (i.e., Half Nelson, Lars and the Real Girl, Blue Valentine, All Good Things, Drive, to name a few). Yet he has still earned a reputation as a good actor, with one Oscar nomination for his role in Half Nelson and critical acclaim for many other roles. He’s just not looking for big movies or big press that’s going to make him Tom Cruise.
• Exhibit B: Okay, there is no Exhibit B. It’s the same point! He’s mostly stayed under the radar. So perhaps it was not his endearingly crooked eyes that prevented him from taking home the Sexiest Man Alive crown. People’s Random Acts of Sexiness feature did not include any interview or words from Gosling himself. He probably did not want to do an interview and reflect on whether he likes women in flats or heels or what he wears to bed. Seems a little below a man who carries his dog up escalators, doesn’t it?

Now, I may be wrong. In fact, I’m usually wrong. The title of this blog is “Lisa Doesn’t Know,” for crying out loud. Maybe he did want it. George Clooney backed Gosling as the prime choice for Sexiest Man Alive, saying that he and Brad Pitt took Gosling aside and showed him the walk and the talk of a Sexiest Man Alive candidate. But I just don’t think that Gosling ran the campaign he should have to take home the coveted Sexiest Man Alive title, just as it doesn’t seem he’s running a proper campaign for Best Actor this year. But maybe he did campaign, but I think Bradley Cooper simply wanted it more. He wanted it more than Leo and more than Daniel Craig too. Probably not more than Alex Pettyfer, but Alex, well, he’s a little… different.

Regardless of who wins the prestigious award for Sexiest Man Alive, one thing is for sure: as Americans, we must trust in People Magazine to make the right decision. It may not seem right to us all, but People Magazine would not lead us astray. Not only can we trust them to bring us the hottest news in celebrity gossip, but, unlike the US Weeklies of the world, we can trust that on slow news weeks in celebrity gossip, they will not throw us a story about Teen Mom or The Biggest Loser. Instead, they will pretend to be a magazine that it’s actually respectable and put real news on the cover. Of course, they are not respectable, and no one reads these stories, so no one knows how uninformative they actually are. But, I do appreciate not having some Teen Mom divorce thrown in my face. Thank you for that, People. Although Ryan Gosling will always be sexy in my book, I defer to your decision to award Bradley Cooper the Sexiest Man Alive 2011! And I will defer in 2012 even if you choose Nicolas Cage! In People Magazine, we trust.

Now I shall move onto reading my next issue of People, with a headline “Demi & Ashton Split: Inside the Final Days.” The article includes details regarding their intense fights, their desperate last-ditch trip to save the marriage, and how age, cheating and insecurity doomed them. You’d think someone died, but I need the real scoop. Of course, I will also read what US Weekly has to say on the subject so I can hear the story from all perspetives. But first, how about some Sexiest Man Alive trivia!

1) Which of the following has not won Sexiest Man Alive: (a) Jude Law, (b) Patrick Dempsey, (c) Hugh Jackman or (d) Matthew McConaughey.
2) Which of the following has won Sexiest Man Alive: (a) Will Smith, (b) Idris Alba, (c) Denzel Washington or (d) Morgan Freeman.
3) Which of the following has only won Sexiest Man Alive once: (a) Richard Gere, (b) George Clooney, (c) Johnny Depp or (d) Tom Cruise.
4) Who is the only non-actor to win Sexiest Man Alive? (a) Tom Brady, (b) John F. Kennedy, Jr., (c) Gavin Rossdale or (d) Michael Phelps.
5) Which two James Bonds have also won Sexiest Man Alive?
6) What is the average age of Sexiest Man Alive?
7) From which country/area of origin has there not been a Sexiest Man Alive: (a) Scottish, (b) Irish, (c) Canadian or (d) Italian.

You’ll have to check out the Sexiest Man Alive Wikipedia page for all the answers, because I’m far too lazy to type them here! xoxo.

Movie Review By a Girl Who Doesn't Know: DRIVE.

2011-10-19T21:56:00.003-05:00

As we draw closer to November and December, more and more Oscar contenders come out—coincidentally, more and more Ryan Gosling movies come out—and I go to see more movies. Believe it or not, I tend to avoid the Razzie-fest that is summer, though bad movies do hold a special place in my heart.

Recently, I saw the movie Drive. I’d heard it was good from a couple friends whose taste in movies I trust, and I’d heard it was not that good from some people whose taste in movies I don’t trust. Seemed like a no brainer.

Drive was excellent, but a bit gory. By “a bit”, I mean I was cringing every other minute, and a woman is now suing the film’s distributor because the previews gave no indication of how much blood splatter there would be in the movie. Nevertheless, it’s worth seeing, and here are my reasons why. Please note that to avoid sound like an idiot or like I know what I’m talking about, I will not be explaining each reason, but merely presenting it.

1) Ryan Gosling. He’s beautiful.

2) Great acting.

3) Sparse dialogue. This might sound like a bad thing, but it works well with the great acting and pace of the movie. Taylor Lautner’s “one look” (i.e., intense) might not have been able to pull this one off, but Ryan Gosling and Carey Mulligan talk with their eyes and facial expressions.

4) The Soundtrack. I’m addicted.

5) Driver. Ryan Gosling’s character is un-named. Something about the mystery makes the movie that much more awesome.

6) Driver’s Silver Scorpion Jacket.

7) Bryan Cranston. If you’re not watching Breaking Bad, Netflix it immediately.

8) Have I mentioned Ryan Gosling?

9) Pink script.

10) Ryan Gosling kills a guy by stomping on his head with his foot.

11) Simple storytelling.

12) “Five minutes.”

13) Not every movie inspires a man to do something as “courageous and epic” as throwing a hot dog at Tiger Woods.

And that is why I liked this movie. Well, that and Ryan Gosling. I might have even liked The Happening if he had been in that. I have no idea why I liked it! I just did! I can’t remember how my rating system worked, but I’d go see this one right away, especially if you like 80s creepster movies. It’s worth your time, and if you don’t agree, you can do idiotic things and blame it on the movie.

Movie Review By a Girl Who Doesn't Know How to Write a Movie Review: Contagion - 1 Star (SPOILERS).

2011-10-13T00:21:00.006-05:00

With Oscar/Razzie season approaching, I present my newest column: Movie Reviews By a Girl Who Doesn't Know How to Write Movie Reviews. That's right; my reviews will not be good. Also, I have bad taste in movies. My favorite movie ever is the Mighty Ducks 3, so take my opinion as you will. (That was a joke. It's Blue Crush.) But, I am going to give it my best shot, and maybe this column will last longer than the "Intriguing Person of the Month" column, which lasted one month. Maybe you won't want it to, though.

With that, I give you my first review: Contagion. Strike one is that it does not star Ryan Gosling. Read on for additional criticism.

The premise of Contagion is not difficult to decipher from previews: a disease without a cure spreads quickly and many die. Will they find a cure in time to stop the virus from total destruction? You may recognize this premise from Outbreak. Yes, much like how all of Denzel Washington’s movies are a remake of Denzel’s last movie, it is just a remake of a movie that has already been made with a different title.

This review will have spoilers, I suppose, but in all honesty, there is not much to spoil in this movie, because there are no subplots that the viewer becomes invested in. That’s right, I said it: nothing happens in this movie. You should also not be warded off by the word “spoilers,” because—let’s face it—I’m doing you a favor if you do not see this movie.

The preview shows us this ensemble of “big name” actors—Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, Marion Cotillard, and Laurence Fishburn. As we know from movies like Valentine’s Day and the forthcoming remake of Valentine’s Day starring all of the same actors called New Year’s Eve, these ensemble casts never work out as planned.

We never really begin to care much about the fate of any characters, aside from Matt Damon and Kate Winslet. But, we find out early on that Matt Damon has an immunity to the disease (another point leaving many unanswered questions) and Kate dies. Much time is spent on subplots involving Jude Law, Marion Cotillard and Laurence Fishburne’s love life, but not enough to make a viewer care what happens. This may be a good thing, though, because we don’t get much resolution on these storylines either. Maybe we are supposed to care about blogger/ “graffiti”-artist storyline, but no one in my group did. All we could focus on was his messed-up teeth.

Of course, we wonder whether they will find a cure for this horrible virus, but the viewer does not become very involved in the search for a cure. The cure is ultimately found by a trial and error method—not by tracking down the source of the virus or finding an antibiotic from Matt Damon’s immune blood. There is mention that Matt Damon could have tests done on his blood that might help find a cure or vaccine, but that idea is dismissed, as it would be expensive and time consuming. The ultimate cure is quite time consuming anyway, so I don’t know why they never reconsidered the Matt Damon plan is never reconsidered. The discovery of a vaccine that works is anti-climatic, and the movie carries on for awhile after the vaccine is found to show how it is distributed. By that point, I was checked out and started texting all my friends about how much the movie sucked.

The movie concludes by showing us how the disease started and how Gwyneth Paltrow’s character contracted it. (“The wrong bat met with the wrong pig.”) This again, is totally anticlimactic. There was some hope that perhaps Matt Damon would find out that there was some easy way he could have prevented it or known the cause, all along. But, that doesn’t happen. Instead, we get an entirely separate montage showing the cause.

If a viewer came into this movie expected a documentary showing some of the effects of the fear of the spread of disease, that viewer might be satisfied. Perhaps the movie’s tagline about the spread of fear is more depictive of what the movie actually is. Nonetheless, none of the five members of the group I went with liked the movie. (Two members of that group were my parents, who liked Unstoppable with Denzel Washington, so I don’t entirely trust their opinions.) We were all expecting a thriller. There were no thrills. There were unanswered questions, but we didn’t really care much about the answers anyway. There were no highlights of this movie, either. The highlight was leaving, although had I stood up mid-movie and started coughing and yelled, “I Have Mono!!!!”, that would have been the highlight. This was not an entertaining movie.

So, I give this movie a bad review. It gets a “Wait until it comes out on Netflix Streaming” status. You aren’t even going to rent this one On Demand. I felt like that was two hours of my life that I’d lost, although there was a decent preview for The Dark Knight Rises.

Now, I have some bad suggestions as to how Contagion could have been improved. Although some may think this “intelligent” documentary-style look at the spread of a virus… and fear… should stay as is, I believe it should sell itself out as a bad thriller movie! What do many bad thriller movies have in common? Presidents who think they have the answer! Nicolas Cage! People dying! Bad acting! Bad twists! Themes stolen from other bad movies! Here are my suggestions:

1) The United States President is also a character in the movie, and he regularly calls press conferences telling people not to panic. The President’s wife becomes infected with the virus, and the viewer is concerned about her survival. The President plays a role, then, in motivating others to help find a cure. The President would be played by Nicolas Cage.

2) Matt Damon’s character is instead played by Nicolas Cage. Nicolas and his bad hair could have performed the scene where Damon found out his wife was dead perfectly. There’d have been an element of panic that Damon didn’t deliver on.

3) Matt Damon’s character is forced to team up with the man his wife was having an affair with before she died in order to help cure the virus.

4) Bump up the rating to R and show the viewers some deaths!

5) The cause of the disease is a pig – a pig that a young girl has befriended and that Patrick Dempsey must capture, breaking the heart of the young girl.

6) Matthew McConaughey, Taylor Lautner, Mark Wahlberg, Adrian Grenier, Kurt Russell (playing a character similar to that in Captain Ron), Keira Knightley, and Joan Rivers all make cameos… as people dying horrible deaths from the disease.

The biggest travesty in this movie was the failure to give Western Springs its due credit. This movie was filmed in my hometown! They even used my church parking lot to park the trailers of the actors who sucked in this movie! However, in the movie, they pawned this lovely community off as being Minneapolis! Please. Anyone who knows Kirschbaum’s Bakery and saw it in the film knows this was Western Springs.

Rating: * Consider watching on Netflix streaming if you have absolutely no other choice and two hours of your life that you want to lose forever.

*****See it in theaters soon!

****Rent it On Demand when you can!

***Pick it up at the Red Box next time you need a movie!

**If you’re bored, you could watch this one, but only pay the Red Box or get it through netflix.

*Maybe watch on Netflix streaming if you’re really bored, and only if you’re sick or being held captive in your apartment.

(no stars) Do not watch this movie ever.

Bachelor Pad 2: The Finale Recap, also known as "The Final Stab."

2011-09-14T21:06:00.003-05:00

The long-await finale of Bachelor Pad comes exactly as expected: full of montages recapping what has already happened on the show. Thus, I will give my take on the drama that went down, all of which had already been spoiled by various tabloid magazines (not that anyone cares what my take is).

1) Ames and Jackie. Chris Harrison says that everyone is dying to know if they are still together. We all know from US Weekly that they are not. Jackie’s “this is what you’re missing” sparkly, cleavage-baring stripper dress supports this evidence. Jackie talks about how she didn’t get out of bed for a week and also spent a lot of time confused. Way to make yourself look as pathetic as possible? Wow. Ames speaks so highly of Jackie, but says they are two different people. That’s why it didn’t work out, he says, but Jackie doesn’t get it. I applaud Ames for taking the high road and not announcing to America that he just lost interest after dating a little while in the real world. That would have been hurtful to Jackie, though she doesn’t seem to have it in her to pick up and move on, which is also too bad.

2) Jake versus Vienna. Who cares? Chris Harrison tries to make Vienna look bad and asks every question to make Jake look good. I think that what the housemates have to say speaks more than how much people seem to hate Vienna, and I appreciated Kirk’s comment that it’d have been nice to see Vienna own up to some fault in the relationship. I believe Jake’s motives weren’t to reconcile with Vienna, as it seems implausible he’d go to such lengths to do that. I believe he went on to repair his image, and he knew that Vienna’s reaction to his efforts would be to push him away. He knew exactly what he was doing, and knew that by playing the “nice” card, Vienna’s reaction would make her look bad and him good. And, he was right. But I will never forget that one date he went on where he got to fly a plane and stuck his tongue out like a snake. That moment was the nail in the coffin for me ever having any respect for Jake.

3) Kasey. All I have to say here is that I’d like to sincerely apologize for making fun of his “lisp” all along. Kasey, and all those who suffer from speech impediments who I might have offended, I am sorry. My heart dropped when he said that he suffers from a speech impediment, knowing that I have constantly made fun of him for this exact reason. It would have been nice to have Rated R acknowledge this and apologize as well. Way to show some class, Rego. I am proud of Kasey for overcoming his speech impediment to go onto such great things as participation in the Bachelor franchise.

4) Blake versus Melissa. Melissa claims she’s not crazy and also claims she’s not cut out for reality TV, but I beg to differ. She is made for reality TV! It’s great how Blake compares Bachelor Pad to a “weird science experiment” to justify his actions towards Melissa in kissing her, and now admits that the kiss meant nothing to him. Melissa continues to be baffled as to Blake’s actions, driving home that fateful word: serendipitous.

5) Blake and Holly’s Engagement. I have a hard time believing that there’s not something to the story that we aren’t getting. From what I’ve heard, the ABC paid for the ring—a Neil Lane classic—so it seems likely that they orchestrated or forced Holly and Blake to agree that Michael would find out that way for dramatic purposes. Regardless of whether they agreed to that, they should have known that the Producers would do everything in their power to present it in the most dramatic way possible. It’s also possible that Michael was acting and really knew beforehand? I don’t know. Also, Holly had no clue what was coming when Blake takes her up on a mountain with a couple of ABC camera men, and interns to set up the post-proposal picnic? Poor Michael, if that really is how he found out, especially if Holly just totally neglected to call him. Either way, I think he’s better off.

6) Michael and Holly Win the Money. I was surprised about Michael and Holly going all the way to the Finals over Graham and Michelle, although Michael did win a lot of challenges, Michelle and Graham also won challenges. They played the game well, and I have to think Michael got a lot of pity about the whole engagement thing. I don’t recall Holly and Michael’s motivations for the money, aside from that neither has a job and could use money, but I recall that Graham and Michelle both claimed to have noble reasons for wanting the money. I’d have preferred to see Graham and Michelle win the prize, because as a whole, they seemed more deserving than Michael and Holly the free-loader. Oh, and them sharing the money came as no surprise. Yay Bachelor Pad.

7) Erica. Did she look great or what? Actually, everyone looked quite good. Melissa’s skin looked as though it had been airbrushed on. Perhaps Erica’s dad has been offering up surgery to people aside from just Ella and Vienna (who I could hardly tell a difference on).

8) Rafa Nadal. Well it’s a good thing Ben F will be our Bachelor next season. I don’t know how else he’d have gotten over that loss in the US Open finals. It’ll be a great promotion for Evolve Wines too, even though we know that there is not an actual vineyard for Evolve. Maybe they have expanded, but last I knew, they bought their grapes from a wholesaler. It doesn’t matter, though. I love Ben and I love his wine, and I only hope ABC hires back Dr. Jamie to guide him on his journey to find love!

Until January 2, 2012… XOXO!

Bachelor Pad 2, Transformers Edition: Revenge of the Rose. The Part I Season Finale Recap.

2011-09-12T21:38:00.002-05:00

As I mentally dumb myself down for tonight’s episode, I take a long walk on the beach and contemplate, while leaning against a tree: who do I want to win?

Kirk and Ella, who seem to think they deserve the money more than anyone else does, and are of the opinion that $125,000 will buy a house for Ella and her son in Nashville?

Holly and Michael, the couple with one likeable (though somewhat desperate) member and one flirty airhead, who desperately misses the white-toothed dentist?

Kasey and Vienna? There are no words.

Graham and Michelle, who did something more disrespectable on the path to the money than anything: pretended to like the movie like “What’s Your Number?”

None of them deserve it, but that’s okay. For the final challenge, the competitors are off to a city where they can finally throw morals out the window and pull out all the stops in winning the $250,000. Oh wait, they have been doing that all season. Well, to Vegas they go, as no Bachelor show is complete without a trip to this city.

Immediately, they go to a smoke-filled theater where their final challenge awaits them. Apparently Michael Bay is directing this episode, as a Transformer-like wall grows from the stage. Then, in the midst of it all, much like Optimus Prime, Chris Harrison reveals himself. Believe it or not, they aren’t on the set of Transformers: Revenge of the Rose. Chris explains the challenge: they are on the set of Cirque du Soleil’s KA at MGM Grand, which must be in need of a little extra promotion in this economy.

The Bachelor Pad contestants will be suspended from the Optimus Prime Transformer and will be required to perform an act of sorts from the show. It’s not easy; this takes Cirque du Soleil’s acrobats two months to learn, but the Bachelor Pad competitors will have only 24 hours to train and perform in front of a panel of judges, which we can all predict will be former Bachelor cast members.

The contestants will be judged on technical ability, showmanship, effort, and chemistry as a couple, as it’s “all about relationships” on Bachelor Pad (though I think Chris meant to say “ sex and money”). Considering that the judges will be former cast members, however, it is basically about who can look least like an idiot and not act like a total jerk—technical ability will not be judged in the least.

A lot is at stake. While winning gets you into the Final Four, the last place couple will get the boot. Kasey and Vienna, of course, think they have it in the bag, because they’ve been dating the longest and agreed not to withhold sex from one another. The rest of the couples are very concerned about elimination and the challenge, as they have big plans for the $70,000 they’ll be taking home after taxes—plans that include buying homes for their illegitimate children, starting up new charities, paying four months rent, and lots of plastic surgery.

The couples begin practicing walking up walls, jumping and doing other Shia LaBeouf-style acrobatics, all while wearing goofy-looking rainbow glitter vests. We get a glimpse into each couple, most nervous and some pompous (i.e. Kasey and Vienna). Kasey thinks his wit will help him win the contest. I guess he didn’t listen to the criteria for judging very well, nor does he realize that he does not get to talk in this contest.

It’s time to perform, and couples now have what appear to be colorful Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle outfits, rather than just the vests they wore for training. The judges are introduced: Trista Sutter, Jason Mesnick, and Ali Fedatowski (carried in by Roberto—a romantic gesture planned by an ABC intern who just got promoted to “Assistant to Camera Crew Assistant”). Harrison gives a plug for the success of the couples and the fact that Ali and Roberto are planning a wedding for which they have yet to set a date.

As expected, none of these judges are qualified to judge showmanship, effort, or technical ability. Apparently ABC couldn’t even scrap together a back-up Cirque du Soleil member to pretend to care about this debacle. So, chemistry will be the determining factor! If arrogant comments were the determining factor, though, Kasey would definitely come out on top.

All the couples go, the judges “ooooh” and “aaaah” at whatever the contestants do. Jason makes things more awkward by asking Michael and Holly if they are a couple, as they have such great chemistry. (A writing intern was also promoted for this idea.) The judges make irrelevant constructive criticisms, and Trista provides a disclaimer that none of them have actually seen a Cirque du Soleil performance so they didn’t know what to look for. But, Holly and Michael win! They win a trip to the Final Four and the chance to choose the couple that will join them in the Final Four.

The judges then choose to eliminate Kirk and Ella and do so in the most cruel way possible, by first faking out Kasey and Vienna, who are safe. Ella continues to think she has a better cause than anyone else, but she’s getting the boot. Don’t be sad, Ella—this just means you can get all the plastic surgery you thought you needed sooner than you thought, and you will no longer have a belly button!

It’s the limo ride of shame for Kirk and Ella, but the rest of the couples are headed back to LA. Michael and Holly must contemplate about which couple to take with them to the Final Four. If they take Kasey and Vienna, they will win, since no one likes them. But, Kasey and Vienna are devious beyond imagination, and also nonsensical beyond imagination. There was a ten minute period in there where Kasey and Vienna sat against a wall and chatted, and I don’t think there was a single complete thought addressed or connected with another complete thought.

If Michael and Holly take Graham and Michelle, they think Graham and Michelle will win. But, Michelle and Graham have played the game the best and deserve to go to the end, and they are all friends. Graham thinks Michael may be disregarding their bromance, and gives a display of anger that might shed some light upon these rumors that Graham got kicked out of the Bachelor Pad after party for punching Rated R.

It’s time for the rose ceremony. Michael writes out a scripted explanation of the pros and cons of taking each couple to the finals for Holly to read, then gives his own explanation of what each of the other couples has meant to him. In the end, Michael announces that they will be taking Graham and Michelle to the finals. Vienna and Kasey will be going home, and the bromance developed between Graham and Michael proves to be a beautiful thing.

Kasey’s lisp gives an inaudible explanation of his thoughts on going home, and Vienna just cries. How is she going to afford the nose job she has already scheduled? Her perfect rose record was ruined, after two seasons of perfect roses. But, screw them—all we can think about is what is going to happen with the remaining two hours of this finale, and more importantly, what amount of alcohol will be required for me to actually get through two more hours of this!??!

Bachelor Pad 2: Once You Get Burned by the Fire, You Don't Want to Stand by the Fire, Apparently. The Episode 5 Recap.

2011-09-11T15:29:00.003-05:00

All right, first off, I apologize for the slow post. I'm not going to lie -- making fun of the blatant displays of sex and debauchery on Bachelor Pad is not as fun making fun of as the fools who think that getting sung to by the likes of Banksie Banks in Anguilla is the best way to fall in loe on The Bachelor. But I still love the Pad, and I'll miss the way contestants realize there are no boundaries on the Pad when it comes to $250,000. How will we be able to wait THREE hours through the finale tomorrow to find out who wins? Lots of Rafa Nadal wine, my friends--hopefully celebrating a US Open Championship in addition to crowning of the new Bachelor! I give to you this week's long recap--lots of crazy stuff to keep up with on last week's episode!

As usual, we pick up right where we left off—the contestants pretending to be shocked at the exit of Hurricane Melissa and William, who may or may not have had an Invisibility Cloak on throughout filming. Harrison, looking dapper as always, steps in and tells the contestants that they must now split into pairs, as from here on out, they will compete as couples, win as couples, and be voted off as couples. Harrison also warns them that they should get to know their partner.

They weren’t already split into couples? Was there any other explanation for Kirk and Ella? Okay, well the only ones without a partner are Blake and Erica, so they are now paired together. Blake is upset he’s not with Holly, but he’s a man-whore and is pumped to have a partner who lacks morals—if only he weren’t trying to get with Holly. Erica is upset, however, as she is paired with the most hated man in the house. Lucky for her, she’s a better teammate for Blake, she says, because she is smarter, and in her opinion, a lot prettier than Holly.

The couples begin preparing for what is obviously going to be a “how well do you know your teammate” game. Vienna and Kasey think they have this in the bag, as they have thought for every challenge. Vienna thinks that losing this challenge will be impossible for them because they have been together for so long and thus, know each other better than the others can hope to get to know one another. What Kasey and Vienna fail to realize is that their relationship is based solely on sex, so they actually know very little about each other.

The next morning, the couples go out to the driveway to play “The Nearlywed Game.” Harrison explains the game, in case anyone couldn’t have guessed by the title. Believe it or not, it is in fact played exactly like “The Newlywed Game.” The couple that matches the most answers between teammates wins! They get a date and immunity. Second place gets a mediocre date, with no immunity.

The way the game is shown to us viewers is quite disappointing, as we don’t get to see all of the different couples’ answers and guesses. Most highlights include watching how bad Kasey and Vienna do. Vienna claims that she waits 22 dates before sleeping with a man, which is probably exaggerated by about 25 dates. Vienna also proclaims that most exes miss her boobs, but Kasey inexplicably guessed her teeth. Vienna is pissed, and everyone is confused.

Kirk demonstrates that he has a personality this episode, as he rags on how bad Vienna and Kasey are doing. Always good to have some comedic relief on this show, and now that there are so few people left, the producers actually show Kirk’s comments!

We then get a series of questions designed to humiliate Michael, including: “If your partner could kiss another member of the opposite sex in this household, who would it be?” and “If your partner could sleep with one other person in the house, who would that be?” They’re the same question! Doesn’t anyone realize this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Like anyone is going to have a different answer between these two questions. Michael’s hate for Blake grows as Blake and Holly select each other as the answer to these questions.

As the game progresses, Graham, portrayed this week by Dr. House, and Michelle get more and more answers correct. When Graham claims to have lost his virginity at age 7, it becomes clear that the two have created a strategy of sorts. Whenever the answer is a number, they will answer 7. (Admittedly, I just thought Graham was some kind of horny super-freak until they pointed out there was a strategy behind the answer.) If it is a non-gender question about another person in the house, they answer Michael. If it’s a girl, they say Holly. And the strategy works!

Michelle and Graham win the game, although Michelle does nearly manage to throw it. But, things work out they way they should, with Erica and Blake taking the second place “prize”, Michael being utterly humiliated, and Vienna and Kasey taking dead last. The Nearlywed Game is a success!

It doesn’t take long for Graham and Michelle’s movie promotional hour/date card to arrive: “Graham and Michelle, Make it a Movie Night and Enjoy a Private Screening of the Movie ‘What’s Your Number?’” The back-up interns were put in charge of date card writing again this week, and possibly coming up with the date plans too. Could they have dreamed up a less enjoyable date?! I don’t think so. With stars like Ana Faris and Chris Evans, this movie is sure to be one of this year’s top Razzie contenders! And that’s saying a lot when you have Green Lantern, another Twilight Movie and several Nic Cage movies in contention. It’s a rather unique experience to have an early opportunity to see such a bad movie, to look on the bright side.

A helicopter—our first on this season of Bachelor Pad—arrives to take Graham and Michelle off to their night of bad movie watching. All of the other Pad contestants who have only ridden on a couple helicopters from their seasons of Bachelor/Bachelorette are envious of the ride.

Meanwhile, Kasey and Vienna are concerned that they aren’t getting an appropriate amount of camera time now that Jake is gone and Vienna’s not as concerned about having her heart guarded and protected. They stage a fight, with Vienna claiming Kasey stole her Promise Ring without singing a song, mind you! He did it, Vienna claims, because she denied him sex in the house.

With that, Kasey brings out his lisp in full force and begins yelling jibberish that no one can understand. We are able to make out his accusations that Vienna slept with Wes and Dave “Man Code” Good—accusations that she does not deny, of course. As with all good fights, there are threats to leave the house that are not followed through on, but the couple makes up and get the deed “over with”, as Vienna appropriately describes it.

On the date, Michelle and Graham are pleased to see that their movie screening will involve them sitting in a hot tub, so they won’t have to watch the movie! With the limited amount we are able to see, it is clear that Ana Faris will begin a mission to track down her exes to determine who was the one that got away, and Chris Evans will help her. The two will predictably fall in love in the end.

Michelle does not miss the opportunity to make a great analogy of the movie to her and Graham’s relationship. Like Ana Faris’s character, Michelle has been through quite a few relationships, but now she is in one that feels right and she’s happy. Before not too long, Michelle and Graham have had it with the movie, so they start making out in the hot tub. Bonus points for the hot tub make out!

Back at the house, the competitors gather as another date card arrives: “Blake and Erica, Your Mission is Romance.” The date card is almost enough for this crew to forget that a whopping $250,000 is on the line—the reason they are there in the first place! This may not seem like much money, especially after you split it with your partner and take out taxes, but when you don’t have a job, it’s all the money in the world. Erica, however, is willing to forget about money for a night, as she’s on a mission for romance. Blake, on the other hand, is wishing this date was with Holly.

With Blake demonstrating indifference to their teammate-ship, and thus, relationship, Erica demands everyone else leave the room so their team can regroup. Erica tells Blake that he must stop making moves on Holly. It’s pissing Michael off, and it’s going to get Blake, and as his teammate, her, eliminated! Then, they would not have a chance to win $250,000. Without $250,000, Erica loses her chance to become financially independent from her parents for three months.

Blake, however, thinks it “ludicrous” that an “impotent” man like Michael has so much influence over the situation. The only answer is to try to get rid of Michael, who according to Blake, is impotent—some bold accusations and some big words from our local wordsmith Blake. Erica doesn’t care—all that’s on her mind is seducing Blake to get his mind off Holly, as part of her efforts to win the $250,000.

As Erica prepares for their date the next day, she shows Michelle the sexy lingerie she has bought for their date. “I’m definitely, like, really horny,” Erica tells Michelle. Sounds like we’ve got a good date to look forward to.

Holly is not happy about Blake going on a date with another woman, despite the fact that she and Michael still act like they’re engaged. Her response? To walk through the house in a bikini, right in front of Blake, as he and Erica wait for their limo! “Blake didn’t have to look!” Holly says. Oh, Holly, you think you are so cute, but you could use some lip injections like Erica. That thin upper lip of yours drives me nuts. I do not envy you. Your greatest achievement in life is to get engaged to a man with creepily perfect teeth on a reality game show. Congratulations, though.

Erica will not have her spirits knocked down, as she and Blake arrive at the Mission Inn, where their mission is romance. She struts in her Louboutins, which Blake surely has no appreciation for, and continues to bring up how much she looks forward to the later portion of the night.

As they walk through the catacombs, she tells Blake about how she has some friends who have passed away, but she still communicates with them. Blake does not seem creeped out in the least. Everything else Erica says on this date is a not-so-subtle hint that she wants to get in bed with Blake. “My astrologer thought that I would be here for the final two couples.” Herb, the astrologer, also said that if there were any romantic times, they’d be toward the end (“around now”), and he’s been right about everything else. Blake gets a weird smile on his face, probably because being the creep that he is, he’s excited to use this astrologer pick-up line on women in the future.

Erica continues to hope for a romantic connection to develop with Blake, and we cut to yet another a commercial for “What’s Your Number?” As they go to dinner, Erica is excited to continue to caress Blake’s thigh. Two roses await them on the table. No, to my and Erica’s disappoint, they are not immunity roses that can be earned for spending a night in the fantasy suite. Instead, they may be given to another couple to save from elimination. However, Blake points out that this is just as good as immunity, because they can hopefully be saved by the couple they give the rose to! (Unless, of course, they give them to a couple with no power to lobby any votes, which they will do.)

With Blake out of the house, Michael uses the opportunity to put on his lucky hat and tell Holly for the 18^th time this season that he is falling in love with her again—in different words than last time, of course. Holly throws it back in Michael’s face, saying that he had three months to tell her these things, but he waited until there’s a dentist vying for her affections, luring her with promises of perfect teeth. Ummmm, Holly, you did turn down the guy’s proposal? That takes time to get over?

Back at the dinner/thigh caressing portion of Erica and Blake’s date, Erica takes the opportunity to see to it that sex is on Blake’s mind. She’s concerned she hasn’t been forward enough. Blake is stressed out about staying overnight, but Erica has a response to that. We all know the only reason Blake is resisting Erica’s affections is that he is into Holly and doesn’t want to be disloyal. Of course, he is not man enough to say this to Erica.

Blake tries to wordsmith his way around this and says “Once you get burned by the fire, you don’t want to stand by the fire, you know what I mean?” No, Blake. You’re an idiot. Erica continues to attempt to seduce Blake and tells him to trust her. Unfortunately for us viewers, the two cannot come to an agreement to hook up that night.

Back at the house, Holly—whose only storylines revolve around thinking meeting Bret Michaels was not something to totally make fun of and being in a love triangle with Michael and Blake—continues to stress about her love triangle. This time, she talks to Ella about it instead of Vienna. No one listens, because we are tired of this storyline and don’t really understand what either man sees in Holly.

On the date, Erica continues to try to seduce Blake and convince him that the only decision is to have sex with her that night. Blake expresses that he is bothered that Erica just assumed that he would be on board with her plan. If the role was reversed, he said, and he told the guys he brought a bunch of condoms, and she wasn’t on board, but he continued to be persistent, it’d be really really weird.

Erica’s response sums up all that Erica stands for: “Blake tells me that me telling the girls that I was bringing my sexy lingerie is the same as if he told the guys that he was bringing condoms, and I agree. And I wish that he had.” She tells Blake, “You’re worried about your reputation, and that’s annoying, but that’s cool.” Blake will now be known that he’ll be known as the guy that hooked up with the craziest girl in the whole entire world and tried to get with the girl who had a boyfriend, and that’s weird. She does have a point. And she’s honest.

Erica does not respect Blake, and she thinks that they’ll get eliminated. Blake is concerned that it’s his own fault for teaming up with girls that are crazy. I am thinking Blake is the problem, as he is a bad gamer. Blake has no motivation for winning the huge $250,000 prize, thus he has not strategized. I’m with Erica on this one.

The next morning, Holly expresses relief that Blake did not spend the night with Erica, but it’s time for Blake and Erica to strategize about who to give their immunity roses to. Now, here are their choices:

1) Kirk and Ella: This is an obvious no, as they are the only other couple that might get eliminated that night. Up to this point, Michelle, Graham, Michael, Kasey and Vienna have had someone of an alliance. As much as Ella thinks they are a “power couple”, they are not.

2) Kasey and Vienna: This is an option as Kasey seems to have some pull in the house. But can they be trusted?

3) Michael and Holly: Erica is certainly against this, as it would keep Holly around, but Michael and Holly might be loyal enough to work to sway the vote.

Of course, Kasey and Vienna get the roses, and we are treated to the most annoying song-and-dance show from Vienna—one that I could not have imagined. Vienna’s song and dance cannot be unseen.

After the rose is given out, Ella has a nice long cry session, complemented by sentimental music from the ABC Producers. This puts a serious cramp in her plan to buy a real crappy house with what’s left of the $125,000 after taxes are taken out. She is a single mom, and it doesn’t matter that Michelle is also a single mom—Ella is more deserving! For some reason, Ella thinks giving the immunity roses to them would have been a better decision, although it simply would have ensured Blake and Erica’s elimination that week.

With that, it’s rose ceremony time. Chris makes the announcement that the woman will do the voting, but they will vote as a couple. Things are intense this night. Blake thinks Kasey will deliver on his word to save him.

Vienna knows that no one wants to send Ella home because of her sob story. Vienna reveals her own sob story: her mom is four months behind on rent, and she has an 11-year old sister. Vienna, fresh off her recent nose job, is clearly quite sympathetic to her mom and sister’s situation. Vienna votes for Kirk and Ella to leave.

Blake and Holly cuddle in front of a fire, further flaunting their developing relationship in front of Michael. Michael feels that Blake took this away from her, and in a recent US Weekly, I read that Blake made Michael a promise that he wouldn’t make a move on Holly.

Graham feels his interests are aligned with Michael, and Michael must vote Blake off before voting Kirk and Ella off. Michelle gives the news to Kasey and Vienna: she and Graham will be voting Blake off. He broke Man Code, and no one who slept with Dave Good should respect a breaker of Man Code.

Vienna tells Michelle that no one else’s story will be able to stand up to Ella’s background story when it comes down to the $250,000. Michelle stands up to Vienna, who looks like she’s never been stood up to before, and says that they all have their own stories. They will vote off Blake and Erica. Graham tells Blake that he and Michelle are voting Blake off.

Vienna tries to make out with Kasey, and says, “Well, we tried.” Kasey gets a confused look on his face and says, “No, we didn’t.” I want more of this fight, but alas, the Producers pull us away.

The vote comes down to Michael and Holly! Holly will be casting the deciding vote. Michael tells Holly that she may vote however she wants to. Michael doesn’t understand how Holly would not have his back. I understand: sex.

Holly does what any self-centered woman would do. She goes to the bathroom and cries to Ella that she doesn’t want to vote Blake off. Instead, she wants to vote Ella off. Holly really needs the money too, as she has no actual job. Although Holly is oblivious to the awkward position Ella is in, Ella lets Holly know that Blake will understand if she votes him off.

Holly, who could just vote herself and Michael off, which would result in our first ever Bachelor Pad vote tiebreaker, fails to see the light. Surely a tiebreaker on the Bachelor Pad would involve kissing contests, strip poker, and all the things your mother warned you against, but we won’t be getting a tiebreaker.

Instead, the competitors line up, and it is revealed that Erica and Blake are going home. Without Erica around, this house just got a lot lamer. Now we are left to whatever Vienna and Kasey’s d-list writers came up with for them to argue about. Who will we have to rely on to make inappropriate comments about the missionary position? All we’ll see next week is Holly crying about Blake being gone and Ella crying about being most deserving.

As Blake is sent away in the limo, we are displeased to see that Holly left him with a note. Unfortunately, the worse she has selected are too short for him to really comprehend, but it’s thoughtful nonetheless: “Blake, my heart is breaking right now. I’m crying as I write this, because I don’t want you to go home. I miss you so much right now. Ps. Meet me at Applebee’s after I get eliminated too.” Awe, she missed him when she wrote it!

Next week, Michael will receive the Final Stab as Blake and Holly announce their engagement, and if we’re really lucky, illegitimate pregnancy! The couples will travel to Vegas, and we’ll hopefully get some more drama from Mr. Jake Pavelka.

Who will walk away with the life-changing amount of $250,000? I absolutely cannot wait to find out! Will it be fame-hungry Vienna and hearing impaired Kasey? Disfunctional ex-couple Holly and Michael? Better-than-thou Kirk and Ella? Or Michelle and Graham, who actually liked ‘What’s Your Number?’ Can I vote for none of them? Kirk is the only one who hasn’t done anything annoying this season. Maybe he, Chris Harrison, and Dr. Jamie can split the money… with it, they could probably buy a few Big Macs! Yay!

Until next week, XOXO!

Bachelor Pad 2: Hurricane Melissa Makes Irene Look Like a... Tropical Storm.

2011-09-02T15:26:00.002-05:00

Despite Hurricane Irene threatening the East Coast, obviously the main item of concern on people’s minds this week has been Jake’s exit from Bachelor Pad. I’m expecting big things, as he threatened to take down as many people as possible on his way out! Punches better be thrown, and I’d have no complaints if he brought in a wrecking ball. This is going to be epic.

Thankfully, we pick up right where we left off, with Kasey getting the final rose and Jake getting the boot. As I wait for a steamroller and possibly an army tank to roll in, Jake gives a lecture, as expected, encouraging everyone to take out the power couples. Then, much to my disappointment, he just gets in the limo! Talk about a let down.

The rest of the house immediately celebrates now that Jake is gone, and by that I mean, Kasey and Vienna start making out. All is right in the Bachelor Pad, as controlled by Vienna. Kasey has properly protected her.

Bright and early the next day, Chris is still reveling over last night’s elimination. He can’t believe how close it was—the closest in Bachelor Pad history, to be quite precise!

But we can’t linger on the past in the Pad. It’s now time for the most talked about and most enjoyed competition in Bachelor Pad history: The Second Annual Bachelor Pad Kissing Contest!

Michelle also refuses to participate, as she doesn’t want to set a bad example for her daughter. That ship may have sailed when she told Graham she really liked him for no reason whatsoever, or when she first set foot in the Bachelor Pad. She has morals that are far different from those of Erica Rose, though, and she will not participate in gratuitous make out sessions for immunity roses. Ella, however, is fully willing to participate—all in the name of her son. A more valid excuse for Michelle might have been fear of contracting mono. Kissing contests are breeding grounds for mono.

Kasey and Vienna also claim not to want anything to do with this contest, but we know these are empty threats as those two will do anything for the spotlight. In fact, kissing contests are basically what Vienna and Kasey stand for. The contest likely would have been cancelled had they bowed out. As predicted, they are fully willing to participate.

Holly is the first to go in the kissing contest, and awaits blindfolded for each of the men to step up and kiss her. This clearly brings drama and tension, as most of the men are reluctant to really show their stuff because of her relationship with Michael. Then Blake steps up and kisses Holly with all his might. Michael is pissed.

As the other women step up, aside from Michelle of course, who claims to be above kissing contests, the women all adore Blake’s kisses. Except for Vienna, of course. She immediately identifies Kasey’s kiss by the scent of his Jenius t-shirt, and puts her vote in for him. None of the other men will give Vienna more than a peck. Melissa is giddy when she receives Blake’s kiss, thinking it means they have chemistry, and not that he’s kissing her because it’s a kissing contest.

Now it’s the men’s turn to judge the kisses of the women. Ella thinks she’s the best kisser. Erica however, thinks she is the best, because of her lip injections. Watching her kiss is how I would imagine a drunk middle schooler might kiss—very sloppy and overly aggressive. Again, none of the ladies want to kiss Kasey, as they think he has bad breath.

As Holly kisses Michael, you could see the passion between them. Upon Blake’s turn, the ladies are nervous with Melissa’s protective eye. However, it appears that Holly might enjoy kissing Blake more than she enjoyed kissing Michael. Poor Michael’s heart breaks, for the second of many times this episode.

Time to tally the votes and see who the best kissers are! The winners are revealed to be Blake and Ella! Melissa thinks she’ll be going on a date with Blake, but we all know the truth. The dates will be romantic one on one dates—not the group hangouts that Chris Harrison refers to as dates.

The first date card arrives. It appears that ABC’s interns have stepped it up this week and decided to wrote their usual lame poems: “Ella, Your Future is Up in the Air. Please Choose One Guy to Join You on Tonight’s Date.” Does this mean Ella will be awarded a bunch of airline miles like in the movie Up in the Air? Will she get to meet George Clooney? What a great date this could be!

Ella asks Kirk to go on the date, as apparently he is still in the Pad and they are partners, and they walk out to find a Ferrari waiting for them. Kirk is immediately pissed when Ella decides she gets to drive, when it should be him driving that Ferrari. Nevertheless, he’s excited to be going out with a woman twice his age.

Back at the house, Melissa starts talking to Blake as if he will be choosing her to go on the date with him. This lays the groundwork for Hurricane Melissa’s damage to come this episode. Melissa begins to freak out when Blake tries to tell Melissa that he might not take her on the date with him.

Back on the date, Ella and Kirk have a conversation on their date about what they’d do with the money if they won. Kirk tells his touching story about how he was affected by house mold. Yes, that’s right—house mold. Hearing his story made Ella want to open up to him. She wants to buy a house for her and her son with part of the money and also to help an organization that helps battered women. With $250,000, she may not be buying much of a house.

This brings us to Ella’s story of her past—quite possibly the best first date story ever. Ella’s mom was shot in front of her and her sister by her stepfather, with a sawed-off shotgun! Kirk is shocked to think that Ella might need the money more than him. It’s hard to imagine that anyone would need money more than Kirk.

Back at the house, Erica knows that she could be on the line this week. So, she begins strategizing in the best possible way there is to strategize on Bachelor Pad: initiating hook ups with other housemates! She is the smartest girl in the house and Blake is the smartest guy, so the obvious thing to do is to immediately try to hook up with him by straddling him and massaging him. The Bachelor Pad house conveniently has a mat specifically built for women to straddle men and give them massages, so this works out perfectly. Erica warns Blake from selecting Melissa for the date, because obviously, he should select Erica.

Back on the date, Kirk and Ella get a hot air balloon ride. It’s so romantic—just them and the cameraman directly across from them. Kirk and Ella make out, mainly because he is contractually obligated to. It’s the making of a beautiful teammate-ship on Bachelor Pad where they pretend to be physically attracted to each other, even though they know they’ll be eliminated soon! How sweet.

At the house, Graham collects the date card: “Blake, Love the Slippery Slope. Please choose one lady to join you on tomorrow’s date.” Does that even make sense? I must have written that down wrong. Oh well, I’m way too lazy to go back and watch again. Melissa thinks he’ll take her on the date, but her hopes will soon be crushed. Blake refers to his teammate-ditching move he’s about to make as “thinking outside the box” and elects to invite Holly on the date instead of Melissa. Michael’s heart is crushed for the third time this episode, and Hurricane Melissa is unleashed!

Hurricane Melissa continues to ravage through the house, first accusing Holly of stealing her man. I also have accused Stacey Keibler of stealing George Clooney from my clutches, on the same basis as Melissa’s accusations of Holly. Stacey has yet to respond to my accusations. Next, Melissa confronts Blake as he brushes with his two-minute timed toothbrush, which has 40 seconds left to go in its brushing cycle. Melissa of course waits the 40 seconds to further yell at Blake.

As Blake takes Holly on the date, Melissa glares at him with a look that could burn holes right through him. This is the date we’ve all been waiting for because it’s based on everything that makes The Bachelor great (aside from Dr. Jamie, that is). This date is based purely on physical attraction. Conversation in the car goes something like this:

“I’m really physically attracted to you.”

“And I’m really physically attracted to you.”

“Oh look, a private jet to take us away!”

The two get into the private jet and fly off to somewhere with slippery slopes. They get suited up to go skiing and Holly claims to be terrible at it. That’s perfect, because it allows for the two of them to playfully flirt in the snow. Holly thinks this is the best date she’s ever been on! She probably thought the same thing on her dates with Brad Womack or whoever it was whose season she was on. Both agree that it’s absolutely the best date they have ever been on. They cannot wait for the dinner portion of the date so they can talk about how fun it is!

Back at the house, Michael stays up waiting for them to return, but alas, but all he does is wait. And all he can do while they are gone is contemplate about how much he’s missing her. As he waits, the sun goes down.

On the date, the ABC interns have set up a nice little picnic in fake snow, with a fire roaring in the foreground. What else for Blake and Holly to discuss now than how much fun they have had? Blake asks the question on everyone’s mind: are things over between you and Michael. I don’t listen to the answer, but I can only assume it lacks any substance.

Blake then breaks out his version of the fantasy suite invitation, suggesting that they don’t return to the house that night. Michael’s heart breaks for the 8^th or 9^th time this episode at 2:15 am, when he realizes that Blake and Holly aren’t coming back. On the date, Blake sets up the tee to ask Holly for a kiss. He does so in a way that only dentist could, by suggesting that he further examine her claim that she should have won the kissing contest. It’s weird; I would run.

We then see the jenius offered by the ABC producers, as scenes of Kirk and Graham offering moral support to Michael are juxtaposed with scenes of Blake and Holly kissing. Viewers are drawn in, as this ranks among some of the greatest moments captured on camera: the Royal Wedding, the assassination of President Kennedy, the OJ high speed chase, and not to forget Brad Womack’s first session with Dr. Jamie. We’re thankful to be a part of this groundbreaking moment in television history.

Back at the house, Michael continues to miss Holly, while Melissa continues to badmouth Blake (though we all know she’d have him back in a second). Holly returns with Blake the following morning, but now she doesn’t know what to do about Michael.

Michael embraces Holly and tells her that he still loves her. Michael is shocked and heartbroken to find out that Holly kissed Blake. How could she do that to him? They are broken up, but seriously, how? He wants answers. Holly just kind of sits there and stares, mystified as to how Michael could be upset with her.

In her time of confusion, Holly does the obvious thing—goes to get advice from Vienna. Vienna, of course, has nothing to constructive to add, although her advice may be more constructive than that of Dr. Jamie. Holly is left looking for answers.

With that, it’s rose ceremony time and the contestants begin to strategize, as Chris Harrison lets them know that one man and one woman will be going home. It appears that some contestants are voting Kasey and Vienna off, but they are the most conniving of all. The producers won’t allow them to go. Kasey then starts to try to sway things towards voting off William. It doesn’t seem that most people were aware William was still at the house, or was ever at the house at all, so they are of course willing to boot him.

Michael and Holly go off on their own so Holly can continue to soak up the male attention she craves. She’s the type of girl, who seems to me, that she will do anything for attention, and will keep stringing guys along just so she has someone to give her that attention. It doesn’t matter who the man is, but it’s okay if he has the smile of a dentist.

William then starts the movement of booting Melissa because of her psychotic antics. Graham points out that he can’t “imagine the amount of hell that Melissa causes Blake.” “I don’t even speak to her and I feel like she drains the life out of me.” This indicates that Graham’s IQ may be slightly higher than I initially thought.

Melissa gets wind that she might get the boot and resolves things by going and directly asking everyone who they voted for. William straight up tells her that he voted for her, and she is pissed. She then questions why he would vote for her, as if it isn’t obvious. The Hurricane is not finished, though. Melissa tries to stop Blake from voting for her, but it’s no use. She asks everyone to promise not to, and some of them lie and say they voted for Erica. They do the best thing for her peace of mind up until the rose ceremony: lie. On Bachelor Pad, lying is always the answer.

Erica just laughs as Hurricane Melissa continues to ravage and damage the house, as do I. This girl was born to make a fool of herself on reality television. It’s finally time for the rose ceremony, and after all the roses are handed out and the smoke clears, it’s goodbye to William and Melissa.

People seem sad to see William go home, which makes me wonder if he actually talked on the house and they just didn’t show it. Blake is proud to take credit for Melissa leaving. On her limo ride out, Melissa sheds her final reality television tears (until she makes an inevitable appearance on Dr. Phil or Judge Judy), and looks like a real fool doing it.

Though it’s nice to say goodbye to Melissa, and well, saying goodbye to William is quite meaningless, I’m left wondering what this show can give us now that it’s drama bringers have been booted. Vienna is only good for so much without Jake to egg her on, and who cares about Blake and Holly’s relationship without Melissa around to try to prevent it? Let’s hope Ella suddenly goes crazy so we get the drama we need in Bachelor Pad!

XOXO.

Bachelor Pad 2: Every Rose Has Its Thorns (Except for Those Given Out on This Show, Which Have Been Conveniently De-Thorned).

2011-08-28T15:55:00.005-05:00

It’s been quite the week for Lisa. DVR issues, including a broken remote—surprisingly the worst kind of DVR malfunction imaginable—have prevented me from watching this week’s episode until Saturday. So now, here I am, finally with my fix for the week. I’d been looking forward to another great episode—one that would hopefully feature Kasey protecting Vienna and wearing his “Jenius” shirt.

Things pick up right where we left off, with everyone awestruck over Ames’ showing of love, and Blake and Melissa’s drama continuing. As Melissa mixes herself a drink, and we see the massive display of alcohol and mixers on the counter, there’s no confusion over whether there’s any shortage of alcohol in the house. Melissa continues to be upset that Blake talked to Holly over the course of the night, rather than flirting with Melissa the entire time. Melissa tries to spread the word that Blake has negative energy.

The next morning at the house, the contestants, or more appropriately, the “cast” of Bachelor Pad, are all set to hear about the next competition from Chris Harrison. Chris breaks out a great 90s outfit with the good old plaid shirt layered over a thermal. He takes them outside to explain the contest.

The contest will be synchronized swimming. In my opinion, synchronized swimming is one of the most under-rated sports ever! It has got to be so difficult to do those dances—to hold your legs so high out of the water, all while holding your breath? It’s one of my favorite summer Olympic sports, but it’s never on because most people don’t like it. Plus, you don’t need a classic athlete body to do well at the sport. This means it could be Erica’s time to shine.

Apparently it’s not Erica’s time to shine, as we quickly find out that she can’t dive. I’m also not sure here why Erica claimed last week that Ella was fatter than her. She definitely is not. Erica is the fattest for sure.

As the day goes on and we see the confessional interviews from after the day, it becomes apparent that Chris Harrison is not stocking the Bachelor Pad with any suntan lotion. The cast has been burnt to a crisp! We watch them prepare and based on what we see, the guys team should be significantly better than the ladies.

Finally, it’s time to watch them perform, after what seemed like hours of watching preparation (though it was in fact, only several minutes). The ladies come out wearing flowered bikinis and swimcaps and the men will wear speedos. Of course, the costumes must show off as much of their bodies as possible! After all, this is Bachelor Pad. We didn’t sign up to watch no Amazing Race.

To judge the competition, ABC has brought in another Banksie-Banks level superstar to the show: gold medalist Karen Roslowski! And look, she even wore her medal to come judge! I’m sure she wears that around at all times. Also judging will be Dave Good and Natalie, winners of Bachelor Pad season one. In case you didn’t know, Dave is also the writer of the worst book over “The Man Code” (next to James Franco’s book Palo Alto, of course).

The women perform first. Erica is definitely the worst, but we don’t see near as much of the mess as we want to. Instead, we get interviews of Vienna claiming that she has the hardest part and is the best. Michelle looks good, mainly because she’s confident.

As we watch, we get a lot of Dave and Natalie’s insight, which is great, because they know so much about synchronized swimming. Banksie Banks doesn’t speak up at all.

The men do their performance, and compared to the ladies, they do great. That is not saying much. What we’re all shocked by, and that Erica notes, is the shockingness of the size of Jake’s package. We knew there had to have been a reason why Vienna would want to be with him after the Bachelor. The men blow the grand finale out of the water, literally, with a final throw.

I note that Dave wears a “Youngstown” shirt. Youngstown is a band that my sister and I used to make fun of when we were in middle school. They are most famous for being featured on several Disney movie soundtracks, but now for being featured on Dave Good’s shirt.

When it comes to the judging portion of the show, ABC allows Dave and Natalie to give their opinions, but it’s merely a courtesy (much like Melissa Rycroft’s stint co-hosting Bachelor Pad last year). Only Karen/Banksie’s opinion will matter. The men’s award goes to Michael. Karen gives the women’s award to Michelle, and it certainly is great to see Vienna lose. Vienna’s reaction is of course, priceless, as she feels she has been “cheated.”

Jake decides it’s time for some damage control, so the first thing he does—obviously—is go he talk to Erica, the other resident reject. She tries to make a move on him, and Jake, knowing he has no other choice, flirts back.

Next, we come to Jenius/Vienna Highlight #1 of the episode. No one knows what is happening, as Vienna is just chilling outside with a few other cast members doing what she does best: bashing Jake. Kasey then comes outside, and they start yelling at each other. Kasey is apparently upset because he thinks Vienna is being too nice to Jake. Vienna starts crying and yelling that Kasey is not protecting her at this very moment. The argument immediately mutates from one about Jake to one about whether Kasey is protecting her.

Kasey tells Vienna that she needs to get over it and that he is protecting her! The fact that this is an argument about whether Kasey is “protecting” Vienna or not is making me as confused as Kasey must always be. Vienna doesn’t even strike me as the type of woman who needs much protecting. If anything, Kasey should be protecting the rest of the house from Vienna.

Kasey and Vienna go into the laundry room to make up and try to agree that they both hate Jake. But, do they? This is confusing? What is this argument even about? It’s like they have just decided before hand that they are going to yell at each other about certain things. I don’t think they even know what this fight is about. The camera zooms in on Kasey’s tattoo, and this brings us to an end with Jenius/Vienna Highlight #1.

Date #1: ABC is throwing in the towel, and the Producers will not be coming up with a lame rhyme for tonight’s first date.

Next up, Michelle gets her date card, “Please Choose Three Men to Join You on Today’s Date.” What kind of date card is this? It doesn’t have any sort of cheesy poem. Kasey probably just read it wrong. Michelle invites Graham, Kasey and Blake. Has Kasey been on every date? Yes, yes he has. And I’m really not sure why. The group takes a picnic basket stocked with alcohol and Michelle drives them to a vineyard, where they can get more alcohol. It’s pretty gorgeous.

On the date, Michelle warns Blake that she brought him on the date to warn him to make amends with Melissa. He unfortunately bears the burden of making a bad initial date choice. Michelle must have some crazy gene in her that allows her to relate to Melissa’s wacky views. Why else she would say this to Blake, who seems relatively sane?

Back at the house, Michael has another date card, where he takes Vienna and Ella as they have not been out of the house. He also takes Holly, because he likes her, and because it’d be a total drag with the other two ladies. This is after Holly tells the cameras that she doesn’t want to go on a date with Michael.

On the date, Michelle takes Graham aside. She’s not sure if he’s into her, though, which is probably because he’s as dumb as a rock. Within the five minutes that Michelle and Graham are alone, Michelle goes from having a crush on Graham to thinking he is one of the best guys she’s ever known. My main concern here is that I thought I saw a chain on Graham. No man should wear a chain. However, I’m very thankful that we get this conversation showing the depth in relationships we’ve come to expect from this franchise:

Michelle: I think you’re great.

Graham: You barely know me.

Michelle: I know.

Date #2: No Lame Rhyme Necessary for Bret Michaels.

On Michael’s date, the group arrives to go horseback riding, where Vienna proceeds to do nothing but complain the whole time. I can’t lie. I don’t really pay attention. Boring.

Back at the house, Blake attempts to make fake amends with Melissa. Boring.

On the date, we get our sentimental moment of the week with Michael and Holly. Michael misses Holly. Holly doesn’t think they are meant to be together. Yada yada yada. Boring.

Back at the house, Kasey goes off to contemplate and talk about his “inner emotional struggles.” He does this while wearing some sort of woven beret and the Jenius shirt, so it’s pretty hard to take him seriously.

Jake continues in the movement to try to get Kasey booted. Obviously, the first move on the path is to make out with Erica. Erica basically takes the words out of my mouth, when she points out that she’s a good kisser because of her lip injections that she gets every other day. We were all thinking it.

On the date, Michael gives Holly the rose and it is then that Bret Michaels rolls up. WOW. All of this boringness has now become worth it with the appearance of that tour van. Who else would you want to serenade you than Bret Michaels. He recently sang at the Chicago Rock’n’Roll Half Marathon! Well, he may not have ever actually showed up. I didn’t stick around to hear him play. But that he’s on this show? Awesome.

Bret first serves as relationship counsel to Michael and Holly, giving advice or rather just saying stuff that is Dr. Jamie level of advice, and then he comes out to play Every Rose Has Its Thorns. All we can focus on is his guy-liner. Of course, Holly and Michael reflect upon the song and how it relates to their relationship. I’m thinking a cover of TLC’s “No Scrubs” would have been more appropriate.

Back at the house, we come to Jenius/Vienna Highlight #2. Kasey presents Vienna with a gift of a promise ring, and Vienna freaks out and demands that it not be an engagement ring. She then accepts it, and Kasey begins singing. Is he a long lost Backstreet Boy? He may have been in 98 Degrees at some point. They had a few randoms as members. Who knew that Kasey is also a Modern-Day Shakespeare? Someone had to step up now that Ames and Wes are no longer in the house.

Erica continues strategizing to keep Jake around, seeing as they have what she thinks is a developing romance. Strategizing usually involves making out with someone, but now it’s time to eavesdrop. It is discovered that Melissa and Jake are conspiring in the hot tub, so Erica goes to spy on them. Vienna chops violently as Erica warns her about Melissa’s conspiring with Jake, as Vienna thought Mel and her eyebrows were on Team Vienna.

Melissa then freaks out when she hears that Erica has told people she’s been conspiring with Jake. Erica just laughs to herself, as she knows this will set Melissa off and reveal the crazy to everyone. And Erica is exactly right. As insane as she is, she may be the smartest person on the show. She did one thing, and knew exactly what it would do—of course, Melissa is not a difficult one to predict, as she is in fact insane.

So, Melissa has a breakdown, which—as with all of the best breakdowns—involves her threatening to leave the show and saying that she’s not cut out for it. Melissa really gets criticism from the others for playing the game based on her emotions. Any seasoned Bachelor Pad contestant knows that emotions must be removed from the game, allowing for more gratuitous make-out sessions and victimless scheming.

Erica is now glad to have shifted suspicion onto “Hurricane Melissa”, so it looks like Mel will be going home. Hurricane Melissa ravages through the house, proving that she’s no false threat like that Irene. She goes and cries to Jake, who identifies that she wants to be loved and accepted more than she wants $250,000. Again, caught playing with her emotions--her Achilles' Heel on Bachelor Pad. She's an absolute mess, and the hurricane has definitely left its damage.

Chris comes in and announces that only one man will be leaving Bachelor Pad that night. No women will leave. How boring. Some more of these losers need to go. Shockingly, William is still on the show, but how would we even know? He’s been more invisible than Kirk this week. Why not just send him home without a formal ceremony or even mentioning it at all? No one would notice.

Erica and Jake are going to try to push for Kasey to be eliminated that night, and they view Kirk as the trump card. Erica tries to manipulate and fake apologize to Melissa as part of the game. It’s interesting how her strategizing has gone beyond solely making out.

Kasey, who thinks he has protected Erica as a friend, is upset to hear that she is rallying to get him booted. We then get a movie style confrontation from Vienna to Erica, telling Erica that “we didn’t come here to lose friends.” Of course she didn’t—Vienna has no friends. Vienna states that Erica has burned all bridges with Kasey, whereas Kasey protected her.

I have no idea what they are talking about. Is this Joe Schmoe? Is this a real show? We had Bret Michaels and a synchronized swimming contest this week? Kasey sang some sort of weird chant that didn't even rhyme? I don’t know if I can continue watching this crap. I really don’t.

At this point, it’s rose time. Who will go home? Chris announces that it is “the closest vote we’ve had in Bachelor Pad.” This probably doesn’t mean much beyond that it’s one of several votes that have come down to only one vote. Wow, though. It’s so close. Jake points out that nothing is for certain on the Bachelor Pad, and if he goes, he’s going to do his best to take people out with him. Jake is wrong. Some things are for certain on Bachelor Pad—people acting like idiots and starting relationships that are destine for disaster.

I already know who will be going home, so this otherwise suspenseful rose ceremony just doesn’t do it for me. I’ve already seen people update it on their facebook status messages: it’s Jake! The pilot gets sent to the curb!

ABC really should have sent Kasey home for pure entertainment purposes. How great would it have been to see Vienna and Jake, without Kasey there to protect Vienna? Vienna probably would have gotten eaten alive without Kasey there to protect her! Apparently, that’s it, though. We must wait until next week to see if Jake does actually take people out with him. And I, for one, cannot wait!

Bachelor Pad 2: Chris Harrison Brings the Hurt!

2011-08-22T16:44:00.003-05:00

Ah, welcome to another week at the Bachelor Pad, where a typical day consists of drinking, lounging, creating drama, hooking up, and participating in competitions that might seem outlandish and offensive in the rest of the world… but here, it’s just another day at the Pad.

We pick up right where we left off, with the contestants thinking what they just witnessed—Allie and Rated R leaving—was the most dramatic exit in Bachelor Pad history. I don’t remember how much scheming went on at last season’s Pad, but chances are it was not, in fact, the most dramatic exit in Pad history.

Things kick off with a competition designed to showcase the contestants’ bodies, but unlike “Hook Up”, this week’s competition also allows contestants to humiliate one another: “Target on Your Back.” Harrison explains the competition: guys will be blindfolded and stand in a line, while the ladies will be asked a revealing question about what they think of the male contestants. The ladies then throw an egg with paint in it at the man they select as the answer to the question. Then, the men and women will switch roles, and the turn tables.

As with all competitions, all this will be done wearing as little clothing as possible, except for Michael Stagliano, who is allowed to wear his signature hat. It’s a good thing all of the women happened to have white bathing suits in tow!

As the competition begins, Vienna tells us that she has a pretty good aim because she used to play softball, which is shown to be false as soon as we see her first toss. First question is “Who are you the least attracted to?” Tough question—none of the guys are all that unattractive. I did however once see Jake Pavelka in person, and he’s significantly less attractive in person than on the show. It was before the Chicago Rock-n-Roll Half Marathon in 2010, and I saw a short weasel-like man. I thought it liked look Jake, and then I found out Jake had ran the race, so it was Jake. He’s very short—probably 5-5. I’d have voted for him. The next question is “Who do you think least deserves the $250,000?” The third question is, “Who do you want to see go home this week?” Jake gets pelted, so apparently his thinking that he’s winning people over is not correct.

“Target on Your Back” is a huge disappointment. The questions are incredibly disappointing—pale in comparison to last year’s “Who has the worst boob job?” question. Plus, there’s not even a punishment for getting hit with the most eggs, aside from losing your dignity! There should be a punishment or prize for getting pelted by the eggs.

After the women’s turn to toss, it’s a tie between Melissa and Jackie for most hits on the guys. I must say, Bill Simmons was right about Melissa—over-tweezed eyebrows and totally psycho. And based on the folks I know with over-tweezed eyebrows, the “psycho” trait runs in the family. In the tiebreaker, Melissa nails Graham as “dumbest” and wins the competition. Initially, I thought William or Kasey had to be the dumbest, but there’s definitely a lot of competition for dumbness on this show.

Now, it’s the men’s turn to play. The first question is, “Which of these women is most likely to cheat on you if dating?” Jake nails Vienna, and Kasey misses on Ella—a somewhat inexplicable choice. The men start to hit Erica for “Who do you want to go home this week?” She also gets nailed time and again for “Least Attractive.” Michael even nails her with what he claims to be an “80 mile an hour pitch,” which I’m guessing was more like a 55 mile an hour pitch, but it looked like it hurt.

Everyone begins to feel for Erica for getting hit with so many eggs and being considered least attractive by everyone, until she says this:
“It was painful, but emotionally it’s more painful to have the guys here say that they’re not attracted to me. It just hurts. Because, I’m naturally very curvaceous, and nothing on me is fake, unlike half of the girls here that are unnaturally skinny and they have fake boobs. It’s just hurtful, if people are targeting me, especially when there’s someone like Ella who is definitely way bigger than I am, and I don’t think she’s that pretty.”
Yes, it’s always good to take solace in that there’s someone who should be considered uglier than you. Why the men voted Erica as least attractive and not Ella is just beyond me.

Michael wins the men’s competition, though thankfully he shows some remorse about winning and having to be mean to others. He and Melissa will get group dates and the coveted immunity rose. With the competition over and contestants wearing white swimsuits and covered in paint, it’s time to hose off! And time for me to doze off.

Date 1: “Are you afraid of the dark?”
Now at the house after hosing off, Michael and Melissa contemplate who they will take on dates. Michael selects Erica out of pity, Michelle because she’s hot, and Holly because he wants her back. Holly is saddened that this is the first date she and Michael will go on since breaking up, which is interesting because “group dates” are not real dates. They are a group of people hanging out.

This group date will occur at an abandoned insane asylum, Linda Vista. Wikipedia reveals that Linda Vista has also been featured in such bad movies as Outbreak, Pearl Harbor, and Day of the Dead 2: Contagium. So clearly, we are in for a treat.

Michael shares time with each of the ladies on the date, including Erica, but the main event on the date is the Michael-Holly “chat.” Michelle thinks there’s something still there between them, and has a chat with Michael about it, in the midst of séance-like candles and a bottle of whiskey. Michael gives Holly the rose, and takes her aside to chat. He thinks it’s cool that they can be friends and have a relationship after their relationship, and, he still wants to hang out with her all the time now that they’re reunited on the Pad. Michael starts crying, and so does Holly, and tells her he still loves her. She just says, “I feel like we’ve always just been like best friends.” Michael says, “NO, I knew I wanted to marry you and love you, I didn’t think you were a best friend.” And with that, this ball game is o-vah. And by “ball game,” I mean their relationship.

Date 2: “Chart a course for romance.”
Back at the house, there is continued chatter about who will get the boot, namely Jake, but then Bad-Brow-Melissa’s date card comes. She invites Blake, who wants nothing to do with her but will pretend to for the money, Kirk, who no one knew was on the show, and Kasey, who she wants to bribe with a rose to keep her around. She promises him the rose, but only if he’ll agree to have her back the next week. Why Kasey is considered the guy with all the power to decide who stays and who goes, I do not know.

Back at the house, Vienna continues to trash Jake, while Jake decides to further terrorize Vienna by asking her for help. Vienna will only agree to speak to Jake if Kasey is present, but Kasey is off on a date. The drama doesn’t stop, and Jake goes outside to contemplate. Jake continues to try to renew his image by saying he’s going to be a gentleman. Most of me doesn’t think Jake gives a rip about his relationship with Vienna. He is just going to do whatever he can to aggravate her and make her look like a jerk. And, I love it. He’s definitely succeeding.

Back on the date, Blake decides he needs to put it into fourth gear to ensure he will get the immunity rose. So Blake, plays the game and he makes out with Melissa… for the rose! The picture in the background is blurred, but it’s safe to assume it’s a shot of Chris Harrison. He’s always watching. Melissa returns from the make-out sesh and grants Blake the rose, thus turning her back on Kasey. Blake then gets the dis-pleasure of hanging around on the boat with Bad-Brow-Mel, which Kirk (who we forgot was on this date) and Kasey get the pleasure of heading back to the mansion.

Back at the house, Gia starts strategizing with Graham, who appears to have the mental capacity of the bird poop that landed on my shoe the other day. Gia really enjoys plotting and scheming… until it looks like it’s not going her way.

In another room, Holly and Blake begin to flirt and cuddle. Melissa gets wind of it by asking the camera crew if they know where Blake is, and takes her crazy-brows over to the scene of the crime. Blake said his and Melissa’s relationship was serendipitous (or maybe that was just made up by Melissa), but Mel is in it for the long run. She’s already booked a wedding venue. Mel breaks into the flirt session, and things get awkward. Crazy-brow-Mel starts flipping out over her jealousy; it’s like she’s in middle school, but she’s actually 32. Beware the crazy brows.

Jake is still on a mission to aggravate Vienna as much as possible. He gets a little over-dramatic when talking about his relationship with Vienna. He “saved her life” the other night, and now wants her to “save his life.” He approaches Kasey and Vienna and asks them to save his life. Kasey asks if Jake “deserves” to be at the Bachelor Pad. Kasey thinks it’s perfectly normal to ask whether one person “deserves” to be on a trashy reality TV show with a chance to win $250,000, over any other person. And Kasey, of course, is the gatekeeper of who is deserves to be at the Pad.

Jake says that he is here for the money, because he wants to donate it, and also to make amends with Vienna. “You could have made amends in other ways!” says Vienna. “I have an email address.” Jake says that he doesn’t know her email address. “It’s my name!” says Vienna. (And with that, I have just sent hate mail, along with the rest of the country, to vienna.girardi@gmail.com.) Kasey accuses Jake of being a bad person, and Vienna and him go on their way and go make out. Kasey flexes his “guard and protect” tattoo, confirming my suspicion that he is the biggest tool ever to walk the earth.

With that, Chris Harrison returns to stir things up, and we witness what may be Chris Harrison’s top moment in his history of hosting. Things have been awkward between Vienna and Jake, and everyone has noticed it. Vienna then starts yelling. She’s upset that ABC forced her and Jake to “break up” on national television, and now she’s upset that they are forcing her to have these continued encounters with Jake on Bachelor Pad. “Who is forcing you to be here?” asks Chris. “Well, no one, I didn’t know he was going to be here,” says Vienna. Chris says, “Right, but who is forcing you to be here?” At this point, Vienna is just stunned. She cannot believe anyone would stand up to her. Chris says, “If you’re not happy here, I can call a cab for you.” Slam dunk, Chris, slam dunk.

Chris, upon sensing that the drama will be lost if Jake gets eliminated, decides that two ladies will have to be eliminated this week, so Jake will be able to stay and continue to aggravate Vienna. Vienna has never been more upset to hear that Jake won’t be going home. Vienna tries to accuse Chris Harrison and the producers of cheating, and suggests that everyone refuse to partake in this “two women go home” idea. Vienna certainly livens things up on the Pad, although she may belong in a mental institution. If there was ever a purpose for Vienna’s life, it was to be part of this show, that is for sure.

With Melissa and Holly safe, two other women will be going home. Jake is freaking out, and Gia—clearly still in love with Jake—gets upset with Michelle for suggesting that Jake has low chances of winning the $250,000. Gia, in her bathrobe, tries to talk to Kasey, but it doesn’t seem like it works out. It’s hard to tell what Kasey says because he slurs all of his words, but it had something to do with her conversation with Graham earlier.

Some drama involving Graham ensues, and Gia threatens to leave the show. “This is not for me!” she says. “All this plotting and scheming is not for me,” she says, after trying to plot and scheme with everyone else unsuccessfully. But, she doesn’t want to compromise her values on this show—back to posing for Maxim Magazine for now. It’s like she didn’t know what she was getting into based on her experience on Bachelor Pad 1. Time to go home and start preparing her game for Bachelor Pad 3 next year.

Erica stages a movement to vote Ella off. It’s either Ella or Jackie who has to go. Whythey aren’t voting off Erica, the one who they all said they would like to see go in the egg-tossing game earlier in this episode, is a mystery to me. Maybe she is still riding the pity train. Ames tries to keep Jackie around, given that they have fallen into the deepest form of love possible in the initial stages of Bachelor Pad. Vienna makes a deal with Ames and Jackie not to vote Jackie off, but of course does vote Jackie off.

Ames begins waxing poetically that Bachelor Pad can make you or break you, and fate is now out of their hands. Bad-Brow-Mel continues the crazy act and tells Blake that everyone knows he’s a player. It’s more like everyone knows she is nutz.

Time to line up for the elimination, which for Holly means time to break out your favorite tutu. Ames is very concerned that Jackie will be sent home, because he is falling in love with her. Vienna, Michelle, Erica, and… Ella get roses! Alas, this means Jackie is going home.

This brings us to the sweetest move (or what Rated R might call the “biggest mistake”) in Bachelor Pad history! Ames walks Jackie off to the limo, red pants and all, and doesn’t know how to say goodbye to this beautiful woman he has met. He fell in love with her in a way that he’s never fallen in love with anyone before. He’s fallen in love with her in a way that will result in a six week long relationship—longer than most Bachelor and Bachelorette engagements!

As the limo rides away, he chases after it, again, red pants and all, and asks Jackie if there is room for one more in the cab. He says that he thinks it’s safe to say they won Bachelor pad. It’s the happiest limo ride with the biggest forehead in all of Bachelor Pad history—the storied history that it is. I just read in this week’s US Weekly that they have broken up, but this marks one of the only touching moments in Bachelor history. My eyes are so filled with tears that I can’t even watch the previews for next week. What an episode.

Apologies for the late post! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again—Bachelor Pad just isn’t as fun to recap as The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. If only Brad Womack and Dr. Jamie were invited to the Pad…

Ryan "M": A Bachelorette Contestant Unlike Any Other!

2011-08-15T21:27:00.005-05:00

Readers of my blog are in for a very special treat today! I’ve had the wonderful opportunity to correspond with one of the contestants from Ashley’s Bachelorette season dubbed by ABC as “Ryan M.”, who has graciously allowed me to share with you some tidbits from his experience on the show.

You may remember Ryan as the contestant who introduced himself to Ashley with a camera and took a few pictures, also asking for a picture with Chris Harrison once inside the house. (And you’ll be pleased to hear that he did get his picture with Chris—talk about the perfect Facebook profile pic!) You may also remember him as he came up with the great team name suggestion for his dance-off in Las Vegas as the “Chapelwockeez,” only to be shot down by another teammate who inexplicably said the name needed to be wedding-related.

Although Ryan made a premature exit from the show, leaving after the second episode, he made enough of an impact to make all of us consider him to be THE Ryan, and Ryan P/Ryan del Sol as “The Other Ryan.” And clearly his brush with fame hasn’t gotten to him; he is still grounded, seeing as he took on an unpaid interview for a blog that no one reads. Thank you Ryan for taking the time to do this (and Dave, for your help in setting this up!)

Q: How did you get on the show? What was the process for becoming a final contestant?

Ryan: I was actually nominated online by a few of my co-workers (guys ironically). Some ladies at work were always talking about how I would be perfect for the show and when they (the guys) caught on to the conversation, they quickly took initiative. I filled in a few key pieces of information and provided a photo, but they made it happen…Almost a year after they nominated me (I had long since forgotten about it), I got a phone call out of no-where (middle of the work day). A producer made it clear that they had interest in knowing more about my story and wanted me to submit a video etc. After six months later filled with phone interviews, casting weekend (invite only in LA), on camera interviews, drug tests, formal applications, a photo shoot, filming of my “back-story”, questionnaires galore, and a very lengthy contract, it all came to fruition and I was asked to be 1 of the lucky 25. It was a lot of work…but I was committed to taking it as far as it would go.

I wish we’d have had the chance to see Ryan’s backstory! It’s got to be interesting to see what they come up with for these backstories—and whether his could have compared to the video of Ryan del Sol holding his hands in a heart in front of the sun.

Q: Did you have a hard time getting time off from your job?

Ryan: It was not an issue at all getting time of work. Once things got more serious (i.e. when they flew me out for the casting weekend and I learned, based on the numbers, that the probability of me being on the show was greater than 50%, I shared with my boss what I had been up to. It was the exception to the rule, if you will (as it was a first), and he made it known that my job would be waiting for me when I return. Thanks Jeff!

Q: Did you go on the show for "The Right Reasons" (aka to find love with Ashley)?

Ryan: I am so tired of that phrase. But yes. I was on the show with intentions of finding love, but was also honest with myself that the chances of being “the one” (amongst an elite group of guys) and having a legitimate connection with this girl in such a short period of time was unlikely. So in the end, I was there for the experience. Like life, you’re along for the ride and love (finding it) will take care of itself. Also, I figured I had tried plenty of other avenues and come up short, why not give a reality show a try. I definitely managed my expectations so I was prepared to go home (minus the broken heart) at any given time…

I can certainly relate to Ryan on this one. The phrase “The Right Reasons” has been old since the second episode of the show! And as Ryan points out, even though the chances of meeting someone on the show and having it work out may be slim, you’re opening up your options and creating opportunities to meet more people (and go on Bachelor Pad).

Q: After your creative introduction with Ashley, did you ever get a picture with Chris Harrison?

Ryan: Yes. I did eventually get my picture with Chris Harrison (and Ashley took it). It occurred at the Men Tell All (MTA). We were filming and discussing gimmicks etc. (Jeff the mask type stuff) and I interrupted at one point, stating, “I have some unfinished business.” Got out of my chair and approached Chris and Ashley (while pulling out my camera). The studio audience definitely got a kick out of it and Chris was a great sport. Unlike Ashley and a host of other people…He got the joke.

Ryan may be referring to Joel McHale of “The Soup” as a part of a “host of other people.” Joel definitely didn’t get the joke! But I know we were all rooting for Ryan on this one.

Q: When did you find out Ashley would be Bachelorette? What did you think of her going into the show (if anything), and did that change after spending time with her?

Ryan: We (the guys) found out about 24 hours before the world did, during some on-camera interviews, as they wanted to see our reaction to their choice. I was very pleased it was her, as I felt like I would have the best chance at having a legitimate connection with her (most compatible etc.) Although, I was never hesitant to say Shawntel’s (from Chico) name as well when they asked who I hoped the Bachelorette would be. At least I’m facebook friends with her (Shawntel) now and have opened the lines of communication ;). Anyways, Ashley is phenomenal girl. She is very sweet and has a great personality. Unfortunately the T.V. viewer sees a lot of drama and tears (it’s T.V.) but she has a lot of redeeming qualities and my boy J.P. is a very lucky guy.

It was great to hear Ryan’s perspective on this! Although I, mainly for the purposes of writing a humorous blog, made fun of Ashley for her insecurities, I am glad to hear that she is a great catch! I was initially excited to have Ashley as Bachelorette, instead of someone like Emily, who was a bit lacking in personality in my mind. And Shawntel would have been a great Bachelorette too! I’m rooting for it, Ryan!

Q: Any funny stories from hanging out at the house with the guys? What was a typical day like at the house?

Ryan: One of the funnier stories involves all of us guys diving into the spandex pants and skin tight tank tops that we found in our swag bags and quickly running around the house, in a non hetero fashion, to check out our new living quarters. There was a lot of awkward stretching…Team Black Swan. Typical days consisted of a true vacation. No contact to the outside world, poolside with drinks. Zero complaints. We obviously had plenty of time for “hot soaks” with the boys…cameras rolling.

Sounds amazing to me. What I wouldn’t give to ditch my blackberry for awhile. ;)

Q: Were you able to tell Constantine and Ben F. apart?

Ryan: I did not have trouble telling Dino (Constantine) and Ben F. apart (due to build) but it was difficult determining who was who when Rafael Nadal and Josh Groban were in the house…Ironically, Constantine has since met Groban and the picture they took together says it all.

I am mainly glad to hear that Constantine has a better nickname than “Connie.” God bless him!

Q: Were you pissed when there was another Ryan, thus designating you "Ryan M"?

Ryan: I was concerned about that going in, as I simply wanted to be Ryan. But I quickly embraced it and am now proud to be the Ryan that everyone likes. Plus it could have been worse as Mickey’s given name is also Ryan M. My college buddies (Calvin etc.) have since embraced it…So I get Ryan M. quite often from them now…

Q: Did you get along with any of the guys particularly well? Would you let your sister date any of them?

Ryan: I did get along very well with almost all the guys...Some of my favorites were Matt, Nick, Mickey, Ben C., J.P. and Ames. Ben C. was the last guy in the house I got to know (to some degree) and he really impressed me. I think he was the most underrated of the guys…Ashley made a huge mistake when she sent him home. I know it’s merely a hypothetical question (and my sister is married) but I honestly cannot see my sister dating any of those guys. She found a great one (and it’s hard to envision her with someone else).

Q: Have you been watching the show?

Ryan: After my exit (off the show) I took a couple weeks off (from watching). After 6 months of Bachelorette type stuff leading up to filming, and then all the anticipation for the show to air, all the questions and conversations that I was a part of (which I tried to limit by not making it known to the world, friends or even some family that I was on the show) I was SOOO Bacheloretted out that I needed to take some time off. I obviously got back into it and was excited to eventually see Ashley and J.P. fine love.

Q: How cool is Chris Harrison? Please tell me he doesn't take himself too seriously.

Ryan: Chris Harrison is great. He does not take himself too seriously and is a true professional. He literally comes in, kills his line(s) and goes on his merry way--back to counting the ridiculous amount of money he likely makes for doing something that appears to be so simple. Bottom line is, he is VERY good at what he does. He is a fun guy and it was rewarding to have some more casual conversation with him.

Ryan confirms everyone’s presumption that Chris is the coolest man on earth, with the greatest job on earth.

Q: Going off of the time you spent with the guys and Ashley, who did you expect to win?

Ryan: I expected Mickey to make it far (I mean, he was Cosmopolitans 2010 Bachelor of the year). I also thought Ryan P. would be in the hunt due to first impression etc. Ames and Constantine were more of a surprise to me though both are stand up guys and very deserving of a great girl. I just didn’t think they were a good fit.

Very interesting to hear some of Ryan’s input here! Obviously, as viewers, we don’t see everything—only what will create good television (e.g. Bentley). I did not ask Ryan about Bentley, mainly because if I’m sick of hearing about Bentley, I can only imagine how tired Ryan must be of being asked about him!

Q: What's your biggest regret from the experience?

Ryan: I do not have any regrets from my experience (that I could control). I obviously would have liked to have had more time (a one on one date) with Ashley because we honestly do have good chemistry (and she did not have enough of a chance to recognize that). I would have loved to have traveled to at least one exotic location…but again that is getting greedy. There was a point where I was satisfied with their positive response to my video submission (6 months earlier), let alone actually making it on the show.

Q: What's your favorite memory from the experience?

Ryan: I think my best memory (or at least most fulfilling moment) occurred the first moment I was alone after receiving my first (and only) rose. I could not have been more jacked…I was definitely fist pumping like Tiger Woods (pre-careering ending scandal). I was so excited because my friends made it very clear that I would have “let the team down” if I was forced out on night one. So that was really my main goal…Get a rose…SUCCESS!

Q: What was your take on William's "roast" of Ashley?

Ryan: I agreed with Will with regard to what a roast actually is...It’s designed to poke fun at the Roastee if you will (Ashley). Yet traditionally roasts are done amongst close friends, who have known you for years and seen you in both good times and bad. They have a mutual respect for the Roastee and jokes/antics, though harmful to the average ear, are still delivered with good intentions. Everyone should be able to laugh at themselves. All the guys were put in a bad position because they did not know Ashley, had not seen her in good times and bad, and did not have that mutual respect and bond that keeps words from inflicting harm.

Q: Has anyone recognized you from the show?

Ryan: Absolutely. I’ve been recognized both locally in Royal Oak (quite often) and also at other locations across the country (The Vegas encounters came as a surprise). It kills me (in a “funny haha” type of way) when people want to take photos with me. I obviously oblige. I am also really surprised when I catch people trying to sneak photos of me (so as to not interrupt). Literally last night, I was in conversation with someone at a local establishment (bar) and some lady insisted on taking 3-4 pictures (with flash). I was actually getting a bit annoyed, and it’s in those moments you feel a bit like a celebrity. I’m obviously not. Just a normal guy trying to live an extraordinary life, filled with family, faith, friends and hopefully one day love.

Not only is he getting stalker-style photographs, he’s having random friends-of-friends asking for interviews! That’s when you know you’ve arrived!

Q: What are the chances we'll see you on Bachelor Pad in the future?

Ryan: Bachelor Pad will remain a possibility for years to come…I’ll have to keep working on my fitness. I look forward to any and all reunions I can be a part of.

I too look forward to the reunions, and the clips we’ll see on Bachelor episodes when they need to fill some time!

Q: Do you think it can work to find love on a reality show like this one?

Ryan: Yes. I was skeptical like anyone else when the show first began to film, but what people do not realize is how immersed you are in the whole process. You literally have zero contact with the outside world. You are stripped of phones, ipods/ipads, computers, televisions and of course, work. Therefore you are 100% focused on the show, the guys, the girl, the dates etc. and with all the interviews you get plenty of opportunity to discuss how you are “feeling”…The more you verbalize, the more they become a reality…

Q: Have you watched the show in past seasons? Who were your favorite Bachelorettes or contestants?

Ryan: Yes. I originally started watching with a group of guy friends from college…It was our opportunity to hang out with the cute girls from BHT (Bolt, Heinz, Timmer Dormitory). Unlike most of the guys, I got sucked in and watched (with or without said girls) for years to come. No particular Bachelors or Bachelorettes stand out at the moment I write this…Bob the Bachelor I suppose, since he was one of the first that I recall from Michigan.

There are probably more guys than Ryan thinks who secretly like watching this show! Even though many of them claim to watch with their girlfriends or wives, I think we all know the truth about how invested they became in Ashley’s quest to find love!

Q: What date did you think was the coolest from this past season?

Ryan: My favorite was probably the boat/snorkeling she shared with J.P.…Really any date in an exotic location/city has to be amazing. I also liked the scooter ride Ben F. enjoyed…Anything with a view is great with me. I had a blast at ours in Vegas…That was the moment when the whole thing got very real for me…At that moment I envisioned that as being one of many crazy, out of this world dates, I would experience before my adventure came to an end. I was wrong ;)

Q: If you could do it all over again, would you?

Ryan: In a second.

There we have it! So great to hear a little bit about what it’s like to be on the show, rather than just watching. And not surprisingly, it sounds like it’s significantly more fun to be on the show than just watching. Maybe we should all get our coworkers to nominate us for the show! And Ryan is probably one of few people to achieve that one item on all of our bucket lists—a photo with Chris Harrison, in all his glory!

Thank you again, Ryan for taking the time to answer some questions—even as stupid as some of them were! It’s absolutely great to see that the Bachelor casting process selected someone who clearly has his head on straight! And in reading Ryan’s responses, it’s great to see that he had a positive experience, and is as funny and witty as what he appeared to be on the show! Keep those lines of communication open with Shawntel! You already have two things in common—getting stuck with a last name initial… but also being the more likeable one with that name!

Bachelor Pad 2: The Biggest Mistake in Bachelor Pad History! (The Episode #1 Recap)

2011-08-14T21:21:00.001-05:00

This season of Bachelor Pad kicks off with a preview of the outrageous antics to come, followed by a warm welcome from Chris Harrison, wearing a blue leopard print tie—a bold choice. He explains the premise, to those who don’t already know and can’t figure it out just by watching: sex and money. Those who didn’t find love on the show, which is everyone, are back to try to find love, with the opportunity to win $250,000.

Eighteen characters, who Chris describes as the show’s “most memorable” will be back to find love. Of course, there are some we don’t remember at all, and those obviously won’t get much airtime. We get a glimpse of a few of our contestants:

Rated R has been training by jumping rope alone in a wrestling ring. We all remember Justin’s controversial exit from Ali’s season, when he had a girlfriend. Now, he hangs out in his hooded sweatshirt, leaning against graffiti-coered walls. He’s out for revenge.

Jackie from Brad’s second season was very shy throughout most of the show, until she decided to make an impact by trashing Michelle on the Women Tell All. I side with Michelle on this one. None of us remembered Jackie, and Michelle made the season fun to watch!

Michelle, as if we couldn’t have guessed, will be on the show this season. She clarifies again that she is not crazy, that she’s a woman. She wants to put money aside for Brielle’s education and save money for treatment for her dad’s cancer. So, instantly, we want to cheer for Michelle to hook up with guys and win money!

Gia is back again. She’s been treated bad by some loser guys, like Jake, Wes, and who knows who else. She hates Vienna, because she thinks Vienna cares only about being famous. This means a lot coming from Gia, who has a Wikipedia page describing her as “an American swimsuit model, actress, consultant, and reality television contestant.” I don’t care much for this Gia-Vienna drama. What I really want to know is if Gia will realize that Ames is twice the Modern Day Shakespeare as Wes will ever be.

Vienna is on the show this season, so maybe that explains why Gia got a second appearance. Ratings booster? We all remember Jake and Vienna’s dramatic breakup, causing both of them to pursue fame!

Kasey is Vienna’s new boyfriend, and he’s milking that psychotic “guard and protect her heart” tattoo for all it’s worth. Kasey enjoys laying out with Vienna after she gets spray tans, working out with fans blowing on him, and protecting Vienna. He also talks with a lisp.

Jake, of course, is on for ratings purposes as well. He enjoys flying planes when he’s not trying to be a fame whore. He’s trying to clean up his image from being the pompous jerk he came off as on the Jake-Vienna Break Up Special. (That’s right—there was a special featured regarding their break up.) Jake also wears ridiculous looking flight outfits and bad shirts with blazers in his free time. He’s no Iceman, that’s for sure.

Erica, who we don’t remember from Prince Lorenzo’s season, is looking washed up and unattractive. Now she plays piano and has a maid. She’s got a trust fund, but with $250,000 she could be independent from her parents for a solid 4 months at the rate she’s spending money. She thinks she can use her nonexistent sex appeal to her advantage. She doesn’t want to compromise her morals, but that’s not a problem when you don’t have morals.

Graham is another dude we don’t remember from Deanna’s season, famous for not opening up. He likes contemplating over balconies, and has a clothing company. He wants to gie back to others and do charity work with his winnings. So of course, we want to cheer for him. He’s there to win money for children’s charities, but the women might be too much to tempt him.

Ella is from Jake’s season, and she’s a single mom. Let’s not be mistaken: she definitely wears Mom Jeans. But, she wants to give her son everything she can. She is going to guard and protect her son’s heart.

Holly has commitment issues, and she was dumped by Matt. She then met Michael Stagliano, the love of her life, from Gillian’s season. They called off their engagement because of her commitment issues. They got back together, but then he ended it. As we watch her backstory, she goes through their wedding book and photo momentos one last time before trashing them.

Michael Stagliano is predictably also on this season of Pad. It has been tough for him to come back from the engagement, but he seems like a good guy.

Chris then greets the contestants. First out is Michelle Money, wearing tasseled shoes and a lingerie-like dress. Next is Blake, fresh off a recent break up with Ashley. Holly is up next, wearing a weird looking pink skirt, and she’s immediately attracted to Blake. Graham is up next. Rated R is up next, with one too many buttons undone.

Erica arrives, and Blake thinks she’s a bit thick. Erica, an ugly version of Vienna if that was possible, has heard Vienna is homeless and just moves from one man’s apartment to the next. Vienna arrives next, wearing her best high-class call girl outfit. Ames shows up next, everyone’s favorite Poet Laureate.

Vienna starts out by trashing Jake to everyone in the house, but before Jake can arrive, Gia comes. Gia wears lingerie, because why wear anything more. I need a break from Bachelor watching, so I stare at the wall for awhile.

Kasey then arrives, and Rated R is immediately going to scheme against him. He analogizes Kasey and Vienna to Kermit and Miss Piggy. Jackie walks in, and Michelle is pissed. Alli, whose chest we remember from Brad’s season, and Melissa, who accused someone of lying by omission.

Holly continues to dig Blake, because he uses big words like ‘dysfunctional.’ But goofy Michael is at the house, and it’s awkward to see Michael. Michael opens up conversation by saying, “It’s good to see Chris again.” It sure is. No one is arguing with that.

Last to arrive is Jake, wearing a really bad shirt with a paisley pattern. Of course, this sends things off the handle at the house. Jake and Kasey have a conversation about the weather—the classic thing to talk about when you hate someone.

After allowing an appropriate amount of time for drama to unfold, Chris welcomes the contestants to the Pad and explains the show’s premise. Ladies vote the guys off and guys vote the girls off. They’ll be competing as couples in the next day’s challenge.

Jackie and Ames hit it off right away. Ames suggests they do “fun things” when they go back to New York, so Jackie suggests going to Central Park some time. Strategically, however, they’ll be selecting other partners.

The next morning, the contest is called “Hook Up.” Women are obligated to wear bikinis, and they’ll hang above beds (or rather, the molding mattresses thrown in the alley outside The Bedding Experts), the man harnessed and holding the woman. The man cannot drop the woman. Last couple hanging wins!

It’s great to see prime time television encouraging hooking up like this. It’s also great to see some of the people, like Kirk and William the aspiring roaster, who we didn’t know were on the show. The contest lasts awhile, but it’s down to Jake and Jackie versus Kasey and Vienna. Why do I start to get the feeling this show is scripted?

Jake and Jackie win, and Vienna blames Kasey for the loss. He wasn’t protecting her as he should have. I’m not sure what anything he’s doing has to do with protection, but this causes a huge rift in their relationship. They make up, though, and he tells her loves her more than peanut butter cookies—the “grandma ones.”

It is then announced that Jake and Jackie are both immune from being booted, and they will have one extra rose to give to someone else for immunity. The rest of the contestants immediately start strategizing, and this is when things get intense. Here’s a quick sum up:

Justin Rated R decides to play both sides of alliances, as did Allie. Justin tells Allie that Graham is going to try to “work on her” to get her to join the alliance. Allie confronts Graham, thus sealing her and Rated R’s fate as getting the boot.

We then get Jackie and Jake’s date, where they sit rooftop on a theater. The two talk about Jake’s break up, as instructed by producers to help Jake soften his image. Ames, this entire time, is freaking out, causing his hairline to recede further and further by the minute. The sob story wins Jackie over.

Jake begins to contemplate giving the third rose to Vienna, while Jackie wants nothing to do with the decision. She could just opt to give it to Ames—an understandable and non-offensive choice, but she opts not to make a decision. Jake tells Rated R that “it was thrown out there to give Vienna the rose,” failing to mention that it was him who threw it out there.

Rated R announces Jake’s idea to give Vienna the rose as “the biggest mistake in Bachelor Pad history.” Whoa whoa whoa Miss Lippy. Given Bachelor Pad’s long history, this is obviously quite the statement. Plus, there have been some big mistakes in Bachelor Pad history—Rated R’s wardrobe selections, being the most obvious example.

Jake talks things out regarding the extra rose with Gia, who is an ally, but his heart still wants to give Vienna the rose. She questions his strategy, but he points out that it’s a gift—making the obvious analogy of the Trojans beating the Greeks by giving them the gift of the Trojan horse (or elephant, as Gia called it). Gia then starts talking about chess strategy, as if she’s ever played chess before.

Gia is devastated when Jake gives Vienna the rose. Jake goes off with Vienna and Kasey and gives what is more of a soliloquy begging for attention, than an apology to Vienna. Vienna and Kasey are disgusted at Jake’s tactics, and she tells Kasey she will marry him and have his babies. “Case closed,” says Kasey. “I will protect her.” Then they go at it, ABC shows it, and the majority of viewers throw up in their mouths.

Kasey and Gia go off on their own and break things down, and Gia talks big. She wants to make an alliance with Kasey, who says, “Vienna is my girlfriend, but you and I are an alliance.” Vienna intervenes, and asks what is going down. Kasey tells her to go away, but Vienna says that whatever they are talking about involves her. “It actually doesn’t involve you at all,” says Kasey. Vienna doesn’t take crap from her current man candy, and asserts that it does.

But it doesn’t matter—it’s rose party/ceremony time! Last minute strategy ensues, and it becomes clear that Allie and Rated R are getting the boot. The show fakes us out, letting us think that Kasey might be getting booted or that maybe Gia would get booted, but we all know the Pad can’t afford to lose that kind of drama this early in the season. Regardless of who got the most votes, the producers will be sending Allie and Rated R home.

I thought the Bachelor rose ceremonies were intense, but these Bachelor Pad ceremonies are insane. MADNESS. It’s too bad that delightful Melissa Rycroft isn’t there to stand at Chris Harrison’s side and do nothing this season. Erica somehow makes away with a rose, we see some more people that we were not aware were in the house, and that’s that. No surprise when Justin Rated R and Allie are sent home.

Before Chris bids us adieu, we get a preview of the season an see the drama to come. This season will involve Holly and Michael getting back together (or not), spandex suits, people talking about karma, Blake being involved in a love triangle, Melissa continuing to be a trainwreck, more hooking up, a proposal to Vienna, Kasey failing to protect Vienna resulting in a rift in their relationship. We’ve got a great season to come. Don’t get me started on the clip of the masked guy using the bathroom reading the magazine—so lame.

Alright, until… tomorrow night! XOXO.

Bachelorette Recap: And Thus Commences the Ashley-JP Break-up Watch 2011, The Finale Recap.

2011-08-07T18:59:00.003-05:00

As I begin to watch this week’s episode, on my computer of course, as my DVR screwed up earlier this week, I wonder why I am spending my time this way. I wonder if it will also be possible for me to watch Kindergarten Cop on TV at the same time I watch the show without missing anything from either. But alas, I shall focus on Ashley’s final decision between her two suitors: JP and Rafael Nadal.

As expected, we begin with a montage and false drama being created by the producers as to whether her chosen suitor will propose. Of course he will! He is contractually obligated to do so for certain. As Chris Harrison says, this episode is sure to be “unforgettable” (until next season, of course, when our lasting memories will be replaced by a new proposal).

We go onto Ashley’s contemplation about “writing the last chapter in her love story.” Normally proposal is more towards the beginning of a couple’s “love story,” but considering things usually end in two months after proposal on the Bachelorette, “last chapter” is probably fitting. And of course, Fiji is the perfect place to write that last chapter. Ashley tells us that things with Ben are “effortless,” but the passion is with JP.

Ashley’s family awaits her on Vomo Island in Fiji. We remember from Brad’s season that Ashley has relatively normal parents, a tattooed sister, and a super creepy brother who likes to paint nude pictures of Ashley’s boyfriends.

Ashley, in her first sheer shirt of tonight’s episode (but certainly not her last), breaks it down for her family. Again, she has passion for JP, but they are very different. With Ben, they are compatible and super comfortable together, but the passion is not at the same level as with JP. Which does she go with? Logic says she should go with Ben, as Blake so wisely pointed out earlier this season, that once the passion fades, you may have nowhere to go. Of course, Ashley is not that smart or experienced, so she’ll go with JP.

The tattooed sister—we’ll call her Tattoo Sally—is excited to find out that Ashley is in love, but she can’t wait to meet the guys Ashley has told them all about and pick out why they aren’t right for Ashley.

JP walks up along the beach to meet Ashley and her family, carrying his shoes in one hand and a wine bottle that’s already been opened in the other—likely a bottle of wine that the ABC Producers gave him in his suite. Doesn’t he realize that ABC will also supply wine at Ashley’s pad? No need to bring a half-drunken bottle!

Ashley is sure her family will love JP. They ask JP what his family thought about Ashley, and he carefully omits the part where they brought up his horrible past break-up every ten seconds.

They sit down for lunch at a table more fit for a wedding party at the reception dinner, with one side completely empty, but it works well for the cameras. It’s sort of like a panel, and JP is essentially on a panel, so it’s fitting.

Tattoo Sally goes right in with the tough questions: “Does he make you laugh?” Ashley hesitates, then says that she thinks she’s funnier than JP, so it’s clear the answer is no. “Mainly, we just make out,” says JP. “There’s not a whole lot of actual conversation, although we do talk about our feelings and how much fun we have on the fantasy dates ABC pays for us to go on.”

Once in the house, Ashley sits down with her mom and Tattoo Sally, and Tattoo Sally says that she doesn’t think Ashley and JP are right for each other. Granted, we can’t put much stock in what she thinks, seeing as she approved of Brad Womack. Although, it is kind of a breath of fresh air to have a family member be a bit skeptical of this whole ordeal.

Upon her sister’s disapproval of JP, Ashley does the only thing appropriate for an insecure girl to do: she cries. “But I love him? How can I deal if someone doesn’t approve of him?” Tattoo Sally points out that Ashley is introducing them to two guys in the next couple of days, so even though Ashley may have her mind made up, she brought her family in for a reason. Tattoo Sally is rational, and she doesn’t think Ashley and JP are fit together, and Ashley is frantic now that she has to question her decision.

I start getting bored so I turn to the stack of US Weeklies that I’ve fallen behind on. Believe it or not, JLo has two covers in the past three weeks. No one cares about JLo. Give Amy Winehouse a cover for the overdose we all saw coming! Aside from that, it’s been a slow month of news—no new outbreaks by Alex Pettyfer, unfortunately.

The rest of the family begins judging Tattoo Sally for judging JP. Sally tells JP that she is skeptical of their relationship right away. Things are sure to get intense here. She wants to know what qualities JP sees in Ashley. “Well, I smile when I’m with her and I’m in love with her. So, there aren’t any qualities about her that I actually like about her, but I just do. I really like her.”

Sally wonders why JP, a 34 year old, is still single. This is quite meaningless in this day and age, especially coming from someone who has been married and divorced. It’s not that uncommon for men to be single in their 30s. Sally is also concerned that Ashley is too much fun for JP. I’m not that concerned about Ashley being too much “fun” for anyone. She doesn’t seem that fun. Tattoo Sally just doesn’t see it. The ABC producers certainly beat that into the ground.

Ashley and JP go off on their own to vent about Tattoo Sally’s judgments, and ABC plays sentimental music in the background. ABC wants us to come away from this segment questioning whether Ashley can choose JP in the end, but we’ve played this game before. We aren’t fooled by ABC and their tricky tactics.

Tattoo Sally sits down with Ashley and says that she’s concerned that this is just the “initial spark,” and it’s going to fade. Ashley tries to be defensive and tries to tell her sister to stop being a judgmental “bitch.” That’s right, she called Tattoo Sally a bitch. Tattoo Sally says that she isn’t here to tell Ashley what she wants to hear. But Tattoo Sally correctly points out that Ashley does want to hear only things that affirm her feelings. Six months down the line, I bet we see Ashley regretting this choice.

The next date, the family meets Ben, who wisely chooses to talk about the orphanage date. He comes off as genuine, sort of shy, and very sweet. As usual, whenever Ashley talks, we want her to shut up. Ashley demonstrates her dog voice, and one can only hope someone as normal as Ben is scared off by the super annoying glimpse he gets of Ashley. Ben wisely steers the conversation away from his recent tennis performances, allowing him to come off as down-to-earth and grounded.

I’m sure it helps Ben’s cause that they are just hanging at the house, rather than sitting in a panel-formation table for a meal. But, Tattoo Sally clearly approves of Ben, and who wouldn’t? The guy makes wine out of his back yard! Actually, I read that he buys his grapes from a grape vendor. Anyway, Ben is genuine. Ben just loves spending time and laughing with Ashley—that’s all there is to it. But, Ashley is blinded by JP’s shaved head and passionate kisses, so she can’t see what she’s missing.

Oooh, I just read in US Weekly that everyone’s favorite single mom whose ex-fiance died in a tragic airplane crash Emily Maynard was spotted schmoozing with Holly Madison, everyone’s favorite ex-Playmate and Hugh Hefner ex-girlfriend, at XS club in Vegas. I wonder where Little Rickie was. She was not “spotted” there with Emily.

Next up, it’s time for Ashley and Ben’s date, where Ben wears some bright blue shorts. He has got to be using a Tide Totalcare Laundry Detergent to protect those things. Ashley surprises Ben with a helicopter that ABC has provided for them—the best way to see Fiji, Ashley says. She has clearly gotten over her irrational fear of helicopters from Brad’s season.

They arrive at hot springs, which Ashley tells Ben that it is a “healing mudbath that people come all over the world for.” By this, she means that when American reality dating shows need to send its contestants abroad, they often send them to Fiji for mudbaths. They coat themselves in mud, which will surely ruin the bright colors in their swimsuits.

After the mudbath, they go hang out at Ben’s mancave/hotel suite. Ben lets Ashley know that he is in love with her. Ashley tells him that she’s contractually prevented from saying the same to him, but she’ll make statements about how happy she could be with him, even though she’s not going to choose him.

The next day, JP and Ashley reunite and the bright colors keep coming. They continue to linger on the Tattoo Sally business and judge her for judging JP. Ashley starts talking about how she knows JP and she work well together, but she’s not sure why they work.

Ashley tells JP that she wants to be in a dynamic relationship—one where they never stop learning and loving. JP points out that that is what they have. Indeed they do. While they are dating, they have traveled to several different countries and the ABC interns have constantly fed them random facts about they places they are visiting. They have a relationship where they’re always learning!

JP then tells Ashley that he is madly in love with her. She responds by kissing him, and I’m confused as to why they aren’t getting a fun date like she and Ben got. All they do is walk on the beach and JP carries his shoes. I’m pretty sure that if he set them down, there’d be an intern around to watch them.

When they hang out later that night, JP gives Ashley a gift. It’s a picture of them that he got from the ABC cameraman and a letter indicating that this was the “first chapter” of the “greatest love story ever.” WRONG. The Princess Bride is undoubtedly the greatest love story ever. JP and Ashley, Season Who-Knows-What of The Bachelorette, rank towards the bottom of the list.

The next day, Ashley wakes up in her mosquito-netted bed, ready for a solid morning of contemplation. She’s got a huge decision to make today, so this means it’s time for some contemplative walks on the beach, leaning contemplatively against trees and a review of old scenes from the show. It’s always great how these Bachelors and Bachelorettes pretend that it has come down to the very last minute for them to make this decision. When something is really right, you should know long before that.

The guys get to do some contemplating as well, and of course, pick up the engagement rings from Neil Lane that ABC will foot the bill for! As we watch the guys and Ashley get ready, Ashley tells us that today is the “first” day of her love story—a drastic change from what she said at the beginning of the episode. An ABC intern must have set her straight.

Ashley watches Ben F’s water jet land. Chris greets him, knowing full well he’s about to get his heart broken. Our hearts as viewers break, listening to Ben talk about losing one family member but gaining another, and how proud of him his Father would be. He’s clearly so happy, but Ashley’s lack of smile to greet him says it all.

As we all know, she performs what has to be the worst break up ever, and allows him to first describe how much he loves her, get down on one knee, go on to ask her to marry him, then sit and wait on one knee, before telling him she can’t marry him. He is rightfully upset, and says he never saw this coming. All she has to say is that this is the hardest thing she’s done here, which provides no consolation to him.

He walks away, and she chases him. He tells her that he doesn’t need it sugarcoated, and she didn’t think it’d end badly. He says that this is worst than when he lost Wimbledon, and that good things don’t end unless they end badly. We hear his sad parting speech, and he is carted away on a rowboat—not even the waterjet he was brought in on. He is rowed by her for one last look, the final stab, if you will, headed out towards the middle of the ocean, where he’ll be left for the sharks. Afterall, it is Shark Week.

JP is brought in, she greats him with a wave to the plane and tells him how handsome he looks. It’s quite nauseating, but their romance—based on how good of a kisser JP is—will go onto several more chapters, before it comes to a bitter end in October or November. When can this be over so I can go back to watching Kindergarten Cop?

JP proposes, accepts the finale rose, and REO Speedwagon takes it away. Next, they are headed to Ashley’s bed to celebrate—mainly because Ashley’s family certainly won’t be celebrating this engagement and it’s not like these two actually have anything to talk about. A look back through their dates indicates that Ashley was right—their relationship always grows when they have dates at the beach, as evidenced by the one date they had near a beach (also the date after which she said that).

We go on to the “After the Final Rose,” where as expected, nothing eventful happens, aside from the fact that it’s confirmed that the happy couple has yet to set a date for the wedding. We see Ben, whose hair looks worse in normal climates than it does in the humid climates that give it its curl/frizz effect. After punishing him (and us) by making us all re-watch the proposal rejection, ABC sends Ashley out to see him. She has changed her hair color and style yet again--the classic trait of an insecure young lady.

Ben asks Ashley when she had made her decision about who she was choosing, so of course she gives him an answer for a question entirely different than what he asked: “There was a time when I thought I’d be going home with you, but I just had to follow my heart.” Ashley then talks about how hard it was for her to say goodbye.

Half the show is then taken up by a preview for “Take the Money and Run,” either because ABC has no confidence in Ashley and JP’s ability to maintain the attention of the audience, or because it doesn’t think “Take the Money” will otherwise get any viewers—most likely a combination of both.

Then we see Ashley and JP reunited! It’s almost as touching as when Buttercup and Wesley were finally reunited and kissed at the end of The Princess Bride. When asked what he loves about Ashley, JP’s still can’t actually name a quality about her that he likes: “When I’m with her, nothing else matters. I’m just so so in love with her.” So, yeah, this relationship has the shelf life of the gallon of milk I bought at the store yesterday. I buy organic, so that’s more like a month or so, not just a week like regular milk.

ABC then brings out Tattoo Sally to make amends with JP. She now gives the line that ABC bribed her to say, by offering her free tattoos from a year. Sally apologizes and says that after watching the season, it was clear that JP was the one. “Shame on me for being so quick to judge. Team Cupcake!”

Next up we find out that Ashley and JP have been given a free trip back to Fiji, I guess because they didn’t break up yet? And we get a preview of the raunchiness that is to ensue this season on Bachelor Pad! Thank goodness we have something to entertain us until January when we watch…. Ryan del Sol? Mickey? Ben F.? Jeff the Mask? Brad Womack Round 3? Dr. Jamie?... in his quest to find love as the Next Bachelor!!!

Until later this week… XOXO.

Lisa Doesn't Know...

2011-08-02T23:11:00.002-05:00

...how to set her DVR to properly record back-to-back episodes of a show! It's unfortunate, but my Chicago apartment experience a DVR malfunction of the most serious kind last night, and failed to record the first 90 minutes of the show. While I speculate that 60% of what I missed was footage of Ashley contemplating her suitors in various montages, I do not know for certain.

All I know is that I saw what has to have been the worst job ever of breaking up with someone. There were so many points where she could have stopped Ben from getting down on one knee, and then from proposing. But she didn't. Then she told him how hard this was for her. Good for Ben setting her straight. The least she could have done would have been to send him away in a fashionable waterjet or helicopter. But no, she had to go with the rowboat, leaving him to roast in his suit, as he was rowed by her for one last look at what he's better off not having. He may even have been in viewing distance when JP proposed.

Anyway, I've got to watch the episode in its entirety, catch the montages in all their glory, and applaud a family member who--from the sounds of it--is actually logical and discourages Ashley from getting engaged to a guy she's been dating for a few weeks. Go tattooed sister!

Until I watch the show... which you know will be prior to Bachelor Pad... XOXO.

As Expected, The Men Tell Essentially Nothing!

2011-07-31T22:53:00.000-05:00

Like last season, this has been one of the most controversial and talked-about seasons of The Bachelorette ever! The most memorable men, and the men we don’t remember at all are BACK!

But first, a montage, meaning, Lisa—sick with a cold—takes a nap. Ashley tells us that it was hurtful to her how mean people were about Bentley. And it has been hurtful to us viewers to watch fashion tragedies occur week after week on this show.

Flashback to the dance date reveals Ashley has gained weight—not Chantal O’Brien style, but still. It’s an atrocity.

Bachelor Pad is back. We’ve got men crying, contests that encourage contestants to hook up, backstabbing betrayals, dark secrets, love triangles, devastating feelings, and lots of tears. And we can only hope Michelle Money’s child will make an appearance and Jake Pavelka will continue to be a reject. And, Casey will attempt to guard and protect Vienna’s heart. The only way they can top this is if they start allowing contestants to torture one another. Watch for it on Bachelor Pad, summer 2012.

Each man is introduced and they each try to come up with an original way to say hello. I should note here, that my sister is throwing a finale party, and she’s made cookies that are Bachelorette themed. Also included are pictures of Rafael Nadal and a Brad Womack mug shot, my personal favorite.

We get some drama about William the cell phone kiosk man’s statement about Ben C with the underbite’s joke about making a killing on the dating site. Connie calls out William for growing his hair out. Mickey makes a great point, asking if William had any conversations that he wouldn’t have wanted brought up outside the house. Point made. You can put it on the board, YES.

The Mask then gets criticized. This portion is pretty lame. Unless you’re George Clooney, there’s no reason to try to “take your looks out of the equation.” We then go to commercial, which has been at least half, if not more, of the timeslot so far.

Now time for the roast. I still don’t think it was that bad. My joke was better which was “I thought we were coming here for Emily or Chantal, and it’s Ashley? A girl who actually has a personality and goals in life? Now I have to actually put some effort in!” Nick the Personal Trainer keeps trying to give his two cents, but no one remembers who he is, aside from the soul patch.

Ryan del Sol comes out, and Chris talks about the “spark” he and Ashley had. It all went downhill, though, on their first date, when Ashley couldn’t see herself marrying him so she dumped him. I have the same strategy when it comes to dating. If I can’t see myself marrying him on date one, he gone. Kidding.

Blake calls Ryan del Sol out on being a wifehunter—there to find love, not for Ashley. I’m not sure what the problem here is. Anyway, del Sol then goes into detail about how he really is on a hunt for a wife and read books on how to ask questions to find a wife. He asked the right questions and she apparently gave the right answers. He also kept a journal. Please let this information prevent this man from becoming the next Bachelor.

Next Ames comes out, after a twenty minute commercial break. Ames receives a pair of pink gloves as a gift from Chris, paying homage to his concussion, then it’s back to the commercials.

Next up is Bentley, who has declined to be at the show, despite what the commercials would have us believe. Mickey observes that “karma is a bitch.” Well said, Mickey. Well said. Michelle Money is there to give a full report, though. Michelle is suspicious that Ashley was drawn to Bentley because she knew he might be off-limits. Several people in the audience walk out upon learning that Bentley won’t be there, and several other people start throwing furniture around, so they cut to commercial.

Next, we get Ashley, wearing yet another weird dress with one too many cut-outs. Even better, we have Deanna, an unsuccessful Bachelorette, Ali the fame whore, and Jason! They are here to give Ashley advice, maybe? Or just to detract from Ashley’s boringness? Deanna says that people don’t realize how hard it is to send someone home. Well, Deanna, we’ve all broken up with people, so actually we do kind of know what it’s like to tell someone that it’s just not there.

We get some outtakes, which are generally quite funny, and reveal that most of the guys seem to have real personalities. Ryan del Sol has some decent knocks on Ames, and Chris Harrison had his fly down. Oops.

The show presents us with a montage that we’ve already seen four times, of JP and Rafa Nadal, and their journeys with Ashley. Finally, in a touching close, Ames flaunts his money by making high bids for the mask, but it goes for $2,000 to benefit the orphanage. And mostly, I am sad because we didn’t hear a peep from the show’s most under-rated contestant, Ryan M.

Well, there’s not much else to say here. I could write about all of the great commercials we got to watch, but instead, I’m going to rest up for the big finale tomorrow!

XOXO.

Bachelorette Recap: "Well, Well, Well, How the Turn Tables", the Episode 9 Recap

2011-07-26T22:30:00.003-05:00

Finally, it’s the episode we’ve all been waiting for: Bachelorette overnight dates. I can just feel the love in the air. And we have so many questions leading up to tonight (aside from the obvious question of whether anyone will get a super crappy “fantasy suite” like Chantal did last season). And from the looks of the preview—someone comes back. Deep in our heart of hearts, we know that it will be Ryan del Sol who comes back, but we are hoping for something spicier. Perhaps Brad Womack, fresh off a recent break-up, might return and realize that Ashley was the one for him. Or maybe Jeff, the Masked Man, will return with a better mask. What a great episode we have ahead!

Of course, things kick off with Ashley telling us about how excited she is to be in Fiji. Along with Las Vegas, Phuket, Chang Mai, Hong Kong, and Taiwan, it ranks among the best places to fall in love. It’s also perfect for a wardrobe of short skirts and sheer tops—Ashley’s favorites.

“The sun in always shining in Fiji,” Ashley says, as she begins to contemplate her choices. Perhaps this was foreshadowing of Ryan del Sol’s return, because it actually seemed like it was raining a substantial portion of the time spent in Fiji. Or, maybe some intern just got his facts wrong.

Anyway, now that we’re down to so few men, ABC requires many more montages where Ashley contemplates her remaining suitors to fill its two hour time slot. The main takeaways from her contemplative montage are as follows: (1) Ashley is really excited for the relationship she could have with any of the guys; (2) Ashley doesn’t think you need 20 dates to fall in love, which is good, because she hasn’t had 20 dates with any of these clowns; and (3) Ashley writes in a fake journal, which likely has her name written with Bentley’s last name on every page.

The producers waste no time in bringing Ryan del Sol to Ashley’s Tatadra Dream House suite. But with the return of Ryan, it’s about to become a nightmare house. Ryan believes there are things left between him and Ashley and there’s still the possibility of a future for them. Going along with the “No Regrets” theme Ashley proposed earlier this season, he’s going to tell her.

Ashley unfortunately does not call him out on his lie that he called Chris and invited himself to Fiji. A seasoned Bachelorette viewer knows that no season is complete without a “return” in the final 3 episodes. When the ABC Producers realized how boring the show was getting and that they had 8 minutes of airtime to fill, they gave del Sol a call. He was easily lured with false promises that it would always be sunny in Fiji.

And of course, being the wife hunter that he is, one rejection will never do the job. He needs to be told there is no future at least 3-4 times. Only then will he move on. So he lays it on the line with Ashley, and he thoughtfully lets her know that he’ll be waiting in his suite while she frolics about the beaches of Fiji with the three other men she picked instead of him.

Overnight Date #1: “Ben F., Get Your Towels Ready, It’s About to Go Down.”

Ashley decided to plan a date for Ben F. where they would be on the water, because she loves being on the water, she says. Or, because it was the only option in Fiji. They board a yacht called “Love All,” an ironic nod to their love life and Ben F’s tennis career.

They cruise away, Ashley says it’s “per-fact”, that familiar Bachelor “dream sequence” music plays, and I tell myself—as I do every season—that I’m never watching this show again.

They bask in the sun and rub SPF 4 all over each other (a little late, seeing as they’ve already been in the sun for hours), but it’s okay because Ben’s looking good, Ashley’s feeling good, and it’s like they’re on a honeymoon or something. More than ever, Ashley can see herself with Ben.

They snorkel and see the most colorful fish Ashley has ever seen, which is saying a lot on this show. It’s not that often they say something is the “best ever” or anything like that. After the snorkeling, they watch a picture-perfect sunset, and of course it’s onto the dinner and talk-about-our-feelings portion of the date.

At dinner, Ben is dressed to impress in a sheer white sweater, and Ashley mails it in by wearing no make-up. She either thinks she’s got Ben F in the bag, or she’s over it. Ben makes a joke about how Ashley didn’t do anything to prepare the dinner and it’s on to talking about their feelings and favorite parts of the day—very compelling conversation. Ben is concerned about whether he should reveal to Ashley that he loves her, but he decides not to.

As they talk, we see more of Ashley’s maturity and see that she is ready for marriage. Ashley tells Ben that she could see herself with him, and he asks what would come next. Ashley is baffled! She hasn’t thought that far ahead with Ben F. Perhaps she could eliminate some of the other men, or perhaps go on a date outside the confines of the Bachelor cameramen. Ben suggests that there’s that “I love you” thing, and Ashley is oblivious.

The fantasy date card, courtesy of Chris Harrison, comes, and they are on their way. Of course, no exit from the dinner table will match that of Trista and Ryan, as Ryan said upon receipt of the fantasy suite offer, “Check please!” The fantasy suite lives up to its cheesy name, and the cameras close on the pair for the night.

Overnight Date #2: “Connie, Our Relationship’s Moving Slow, But to the Fantasy Suite, We Still Must Go.”

Time for a date with Connie, so what else to do but break out the midriff-baring shirts. Connie is a bit upset about the euro-mullet he’s sporting, but Ashley can’t imagine the thought of a haircut. But that’s chatter for an actual couple—time for a ride in the ‘copter! It’s our inaugural helicopter ride this season, and Ashley has left her fear of copters behind.

As they fly, Ashley has never seen water so blue. It becomes clear that Ames has been hired on the show’s writing staff, or rather, a Poor Man’s Ames. Ashley says, “A Greek god to my left and crystal waters below—I could not picture a more perfect date.” More than ever, Ashley can see herself with ~~Ben~~ Connie.

As Ashley and Connie laugh gleefully in the helicopter, the clever Bachelor producers juxtapose the happy Bachelorette against the sad scene of Ryan del Sol, standing barefoot in the waters and watching them laugh in the helicopter. He’s just waiting for his turn, and with the creepy way he’s stalking Ashley, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s planning to take out the helicopter with a sniper rifle.

While Ryan del Sol sits and contemplates, Ashley and Connie are off to a hidden waterfall in the middle of the jungle. They plan to jump off—obviously a dangerous feat. It’s a good thing Chris Harrison has forced the show’s worst interns to do test jumps to make sure there’s no deadly rocks. At the cost of several broken bones and one case of paralysis, Ashley and Connie are able to have a safe and smooth jump into the waterfall!

After jumping, there’s not much to do than to talk about their feelings. Ashley notices that Connie is a very careful decision-maker, and she does the obvious: faults him for this. Connie should not be thinking things through. He should be diving into a proposal, says Ashley.

Now it’s time for dinner, so they can talk more about their feelings. Ashley is concerned and doesn’t think that their relationship is progressing as it should. Actually, it is progressing exactly as it should; it’s not normal to have a relationship with three guys all progressing towards a proposal.

Connie admits that he has some uncertainties about the process or about Ashley—likely about Ashley. Ashley expresses concern that Connie doesn’t seem that into her. Connie says that it’s not in her head--that he hasn’t been more affectionate towards her. He’s just not that into her. Connie seems like he is here for the right reasons, he wants to be in love, and he would want to be with Ashley, but it just isn’t there for him.

So, Connie tells Ashley that he does not want to be disrespectful to her or her family, but he’s not in love and he’s not feeling ready to propose and he’s not going in the fantasy suite. And with that, after a brief interruption from our President, Connie is off, leaving Ashley wondering who else that she's falling for may turn her a way.

More importantly, what does this mean for the fantasy suite? Will Ryan del Sol get an invitation? Will Ashley stay there alone? It appears that the key to the fantasy suite is left on the table. Perhaps Chris stays there or perhaps Dr. Jamie stays there. Ryan del Sol could certainly have used a session with the Good Doctor.

Because ABC has three extra minutes to fill, Ashley is obligated to pay Ryan del Sol a visit. He’s wearing the same yellow shirt he wore the day before when he was stalking Ash from the beach. It’s no surprise to any of us that Ashley tells Ryan that she was not mistaken in her decision last week, and she is not interested in joining him in his sun worship. I’m sure he feels a lot of pity for her when she tells him that going forward has been really hard, because she’s falling for two guys--and niether of them is Ryan. It's the per-fact set-up for this nightmare of a man to become the next Bachelor, which I pray is not the case.

Overnight Date #3: “JP, I’ve Already Sent Two Guys Home This Week, Sooooo...”

Ashley jumps for joy to see JP, and off they go in one of those water-planes. What better place to have their relationship move forward than on a waterjet in Fiji? They head to an amazing private beach on what appears to be their own private island. One can only assume there's some sort of drug trade or just Others waiting on this island to attack.

JP and Ashley are amazed at the island, and it really is quite beautiful. It’s their own private island. There’s no one around—just them and the camera, lights and sound crew. And a few interns who had to cart their food to the island. Totally private. So private, in fact, that they have this whole thing to themselves, yet they wade in the crystal clear water fully clothed. Ashley doesn't take her daisy dukes off to reveal a mis-matching bottom, and JP leaves the shirt on.

They stay long enough to talk about their feelings, frolic in the waters, and have some touching piano music play in the background. It’s so touching to see them together—almost as touching as it would be if Jack and Kate were to emerge from the forest and reunite with the rest of the castaways.

After they leave the island, it's dinner time and JP and Ashley go off to have some more serious talk about their feelings. Right away, Ashley had told JP that she had some surprises for him, and he was nervous to hear. During dinner, he says that he wishes it could just be him and her, and the show could be over. Ashley gives him the old bait-and-switch, reminiscent of Michael Scott’s line, “I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car. It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her life, they did the best they could. And she’s going to be… okay.”

When JP says he wants it to be them two only, Ashley coyly tells JP she has already eliminated two people that week. His face glows, but then she proceeds. First, she tells JP that she and Connie decided there was nothing there, which is of course a lie, as we know this was purely Connie's choice. JP is fully expecting that she sent Ben home too, of course, but she tells him that Ryan del Sol came back and she sent him home. So, no, Ben F and Connie are not both gone. Ben is still around, and Ashley totally lied to JP.

When the fantasy suite card comes, JP and Ashley of course, choose to forgo their individual rooms, thanks to the kind offer from Chris. It’s very nice of him to pay for all these fantasy suites. It is revealed that JP’s fantasy suite is not near as cool as Ben’s but so be it. The cameras cut away. More than ever, Ashley can see herself with ~~Ben~~ ~~Connie~~ JP.

At this point, the dates are over and we only have two men left. We wouldn’t think we’d still have 30 minutes to fill, but we do. We’ve got a nice montage of date memories to get through. We also have a very observant remark from Ashley, and that is that her and JP’s relationship moves forward every time they are at the beach. This is interesting, because they have been at what—one other beach? They had the stay at home date, and uh, some group dates?

Ashley and Chris break it down, and Ashley is concerned that one man didn’t feel ready to propose and chose to leave. Who’d have thought anyone could not be ready to propose after a mere three dates! Ashley tells a confused Chris about her new plan: to turn the tables on the gentlemen. Yes, she is going to turn the tables, and they will have to accept the rose. Chris just kind of nods, rather than point out that this is how it works every week.

Ashley views the pictures of the men she’s contemplating whether to give roses to, thus turning the tables and making them accept the rose. She symbolically turns Connie’s photo over. JP’s usual photo has been replaced with the one from his bar mitzvah where he looks like Doogie Howser. Ryan del Sol tries to sneak his photo back in the mix, but it’s removed.

It’s time for our most important, most dramatic rose ceremony yet. Ashley truly is turning the tables on these guys. She pauses before announcing who the first rose will go to. The men are on pins and needles, just as we in the audience are. Ben begins hyperventilating and JP breaks out in a cold sweat. First rose goes to Ben, and with the tables turned on him, it’s unclear what he’ll do, but he accepts! Second rose goes to… JP! He accepts too.

After a very intense rose ceremony, we are so glad Ashley’s insecurities have been relieved and she can now bond with the men she turned the tables on. She tells them that she has just been told that Fiji has hundreds of islands, and they’ll be traveling to another one! And her family will be there! And there will be drama! And the most dramatic rose ceremony yet! I can't wait.

Alrighty, folks! I’ll be back later this week (hopefully) with a breakdown of each man’s odds. I’m all about Rafael Nadal, but it seems that Ashley’s fire burns for JP. We’ve got a jammed packed weekend ahead with the Men Tell Essentially Nothing and then the Finale and After the Rose, where we’ll see that Ashley and whoever she picks are already as DUNZO as Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler.

Predictions anyone??? Until Sunday… XOXO.

Bachelorette Recap: "What's the Difference Between Proposing Now or Six Months From Now?", The Episode 8 Recap

2011-07-19T23:04:00.002-05:00

Nothing says “Monday” like a good round of Hometowns on the Bachelorette, and wow… WOW, had I been looking forward to this! Nothing will ever match the introduction of Brad Womack to the self-made man statue at Chantal’s house, but perhaps we’ll get some sort of circus or gypsy family to come home to this week.

Before we can go to the Hometowns, of course, we have to see Ashley contemplate her four suitors. And contemplate she does, as she prepares tea in the comfort of her Philadelphia studio apartment. Ben F is very manly and physically attractive in Ashley’s mind. And Connie, too, is exactly what she’s looking for physically, which is no surprise seeing as he and Ben F are nearly identical. Both men, she says, would be the total package for her.

Ames is very unique, and… well, unique is all she has to say about Ames. It would require an outsider to point out that their large foreheads are a match made in heaven.

And JP, she feels like she’s known forever. I admittedly stopped listening at this point. There’s only so much contemplating I can take.

When she’s done contemplating, Ashley has changed from her fall outfit with boots and scarves to the springy short skirt and tank top outfit we’re more used to—her traveling outfit. She’s finished her tea and is packing her bags for the hometowns. She goes out, hails a taxi, and it then takes her around the block to the limo that ABC uses to transport her to the private jet. There’s no way they make her cab it to the airport.

Connie’s Hometown--“Connie, I Hope Your Restaurant is Better Than the Reviews on Yelp!”

Connie awaits Ashley in a random park, with a lovely view of the water tower reading “Cumming”, though the show would have us believe Connie lives in Atlanta. He is, of course, happy to see Ashley—“happy as a clam,” as Ashley says!

He lets her know that they’ll be meeting his father Dmitri, his mother Eleni, and his sister who is Ashley’s clone. But first, they’ll be going to the restaurant that he owns—well, that his father owns. Of course we know that no one who goes on this show has a real job.

They arrive at Giorgio’s, with a commercial strategically placed to give us time for a quick google search of a Giorgio’s Family Restaurant in Cumming, Georgia. Reviews are generally favorable, but one from May 2010 (before Connie made it as a Z-list reality star, mind you) indicates that the owner’s son was incredibly rude, and the patron found long brown hairs in his pizza. Not so coincidentally, the owner’s son has long brown hair. Hopefully Ashley wasn’t smart enough to google his restaurant!

All of the waiters, who are paid by Connie and his family, love working for Connie! How surprising that they would say this to the cameramen. It’s time to make pizzas. Connie takes a cue from Poppie and doesn’t wash his hands before making the pizza. Well, we don’t know that for sure, but it’s a safe assumption considering that they didn’t show this happen.

Ashley and Connie make the pizza, and Ashley tries to put Connie on the pizza when he asks her what her favorite ingredients are. Silly Ashley! Connie would die if they put him in the oven.

As they make the pizza, all of the waiters pretend to think Ashley is so cute and that they are so cute together. As Connie and Ashley eat the pizza, they chat—presumably about their feelings. I didn’t listen. I was more concerned about seeing how the pizza looked, and we didn’t get a good view of that.

After that, it’s off to meet Connie’s family. How nice of the family to put up a sign that read “Welcome Home, Connie!” when he’d presumably already been home for a few days waiting for Ashley to arrive. Connie, looking underdressed in a sweatshirt and t-shirt, introduces Ashley to his very Greek family. His sister Maria may be trying to steal Ashley’s identity like in that Single White Female movie. She has Ashley’s same haircut and bad fashion sense.

More importantly we meet the Constantine Family Dogs. One wears some sort of weird apron-like dress, and is likely named Ashley. The other wears a suit, and is likely named Connie. That’s not creepy.

Next, it’s time for Ashley’s obligatory alone time with the mother. Sometimes the sisters are involved in this, but not when the sisters exhibit obsessive tendencies threatening to the well-being of the Bachelorette, as Maria has. So it’s just the Mom. Mrs. Constantine cuts right to the chase: “Would you be willing to be a part of this?”

Ashley: “Uh, your family?”

Mrs. C: “It’s more like a cult. You’d have to move here.”

Ashley: “Uh… ummm… location doesn’t matter to me… as long as I’m present and aware of my feelings… uhhhhh harness. energy. block. bad…. We can be happy wherever?”

This roundabout answer definitely satisfied any concerns Mrs. Constantine had about Ashley’s sincerity. But the night’s not over yet! It’s time for Connie’s entire extended family to come over and treat Ashley to some Greek dancing! Even the dogs will join in the dance! What woman wouldn’t want to meet a man’s entire extended family after three dates?

It doesn’t matter, because Ashley LOVES Connie’s family. She wants to have dance-alongs every night of the week. Connie’s sister of course, is mesmerized by Ashley’s ability to join in with the family. I haven’t confirmed it, but I think it’s highly likely Ashley has since had to order a restraining order on Connie’s sister. And Connie’s dad, well, he didn’t have an opinion on things because he had disappeared off to do his usual work with the Greek Mafia.

Ames’ Hometown: “Ames, Bring Me the Romance.”

Time to go to mystic Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania, which a simple glance at a map reveals is quite close to Philadelphia, where Ashley claims to call home. Ames has just gotten his teeth whitened and is excited to take Ashley to the family farm. And of course, he must do this in a flannel shirt that continuously reveals his boxers throughout this little stint.

We dive right into meeting Ames family, and upon the introduction of his sister Serena and his mother Jane, we can see that the Ames’ family does not age well. In fact, although Ames appears to be in his late 20s or early 30s, based on how his sister has aged, I suspect that Ames is only 9 or 10 years old. He has been wise to do things like teeth-whitening, spray tans, and botox to keep him looking as youthful as he does.

First, Serena takes Ashley aside to test her feelings towards Ames. She compares Ames to an onion, so she clearly does not share Ames’ rare ability to make up ridiculously poetic analogies on the spot. But, you have to peel Ames to get through the layers. He’s also like a banana in that sense. There are layers, Ashley. You must peel them. Plus, in a twist we never saw coming, Ames has been through a lot in life.

Of course, Serena can sense that Ashley may not have that same spark for Ames, as she all but said that he’s only still there because she disliked other guys more. So, when Mrs. Ames talks to Ashley, she tells Ashley that sometimes love is more of a marathon.

Now that Ashley is done meeting Ames’ family, which she clearly didn’t care to put much effort into, it’s time for Ames to bring the romance so that Ashley can see another side of him. They go off to sit under the magnolias, and he waxes poetically about how life is not all fireworks. Ames, the only magnolias I care about are those on magnolia lane at Augusta National. Get your act together. We expected more out of you and your magnolias.

Ashley says she loves it, though. She and Ames take a carriage ride, and Ashley comes away thinking that this could be a fairytale romance. Indeed it could. Ashley could sit alone in their Manhattan penthouse while Ames managed portfolios until the early hours of morning, then went off to train for his next marathon.

Ben F’s Hometown: “Ben F, I Won’t Whine if You Give Me Wine.”

Off to Sonoma, where Ben F awaits Ashley in yet another random park! I’m concerned what would happen if a man were to live in a hometown without a park. Where would he meet Ashley? Wearing his favorite stonewashed jeans from 1993, Ben greets Ashley.

He takes her to someone else’s wine cellar and vineyard, and presents it as his own. Ashley is very impressed by it all. He lets her try his “fresh off the vine” red wine, which I know is not sold yet in stores. Obviously, as they drink the wine, they start talking about some serious stuff. I stopped listening to it at that point, but I did notice that they sat in about the rainiest, wettest spot on the porch.

Time to meet the Ben F family—just a mother and apparently Khloe Kardashian is there too for some reason. I don’t have a whole lot more to say about Ben F’s hometown. There seemed to be a lot of talk about feelings and how Ben was able to get in touch with his emotional side. And we all know that this show can’t be taken seriously, especially when Khloe Kardashian shows up.

Ashley comes away from the day thinking that she could spend her entire life with Ben F, so it must have gone quite well.

JP’s Hometown: “JP, Propose to Me Already!”

As Ashley greets JP, it becomes pretty clear that she’s most enthusiastic about him. Because it was supposed to rain, he planned indoor activities, and they are going to do them even though it is completely sunny. Oh, and they met in a park. That’s crucial—the park meeting.

Off to “Hot Skates” they go, where either ABC has rented out the rink for them to skate alone together or it just has no business. Based on the rundown appearance of the building, both are equally likely. They put on skates from the 1970s and skate to REO Speedwagon—the way the roller rink was meant to be. It brings back such fond memories of the TV Turn Off Skating Party, and how my mom would let us watch TV and still sign the sheet saying we hadn’t so we could go to the party! (Just kidding. She didn’t really do that. Or did she?)

At the rink, they do all the things history’s greatest couples have done: drink wine out of paper cups and reveal that they are wearing Old Navy socks—the most quality of all socks. Michael Jordan would not approve, Ashley. JP starts talking about his ex, who he is evidently not over. I’m calling it now—“NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.” JP may be here in a creepy attempt to win back the attention of his ex.

Off they go to meet JP’s family. Nothing all that eventful happens here, but we do get some great insight from JP. He makes a quote that makes it clear that ABC is brainwashing its contestants—likely with videos of Little Cletus and the “Relax” song. JP’s mother has taken him aside for their one-on-one, and she is of course, very concerned that he will get his heart broken.

Mrs. JP: “So, will you propose to Ashley?”

JP: “If I’m feeling it, I will. What’s the difference between proposing now, or three months from now, or six months from now?”

JP is right. There is NO difference. They will break up no matter when he decides to propose.

Moving on, Ashley has a one-on-one with Mrs. JP, where she reveals that she sometimes uses her gut to make decisions, but she also uses her heart. Never, however, does she use her brain.

At the end of this perfect day, Mrs. JP and Brother Roy bring out JP’s poster from his Bar Mitzvah! How cute, he looks like a cross between Kirk Cameron and Doogie Howser, and it looks like someone drew horns and a pitchfork on the poster. What a cutie that JP was.

Finally, it’s time for us to have our reunion with Chris Harrison back at the mansion. Oh, Chris, how we’ve missed your insights and clever date cards this week. Chris reminds us how much has changed, and then we get a classic Bachelorette montage of the men. It’s the same one they showed at the beginning of the episode!

We get a Bachelor Pad commercial, quite possibly the highlight of these two past horrendous hours, revealing that there will be Jake and Vienna drama.

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony, where we get a nice variety of tie looks. Ben F doesn’t bother to pull his up, and JP has his tied in eighteen knots to make the knot look bigger. But their bad ties get them roses, and it’s down to Connie and Ames.

It looks like Ames didn’t bring enough romance. Or perhaps the problem was that he didn’t have a dog named after Ashley or a sister who was obsessed with her. Regardless, upon elimination, Ames reveals that his eyes have the ability to roll around his head in opposite directions. He looks more confused than ever. Did I just win?, he wonders. Did I get too much botox, so they can’t see how sad I am?

Alas, all his spray tanning and teeth whitening has taken it’s toll. He’s always composed, he says—except for now. Well, and when he had that concussion. He tells Ashley on his way out that he will remember every second of this, which given his extensive travels, I doubt is true. I’m sure Ames has moved onto better things, and women who appreciate his weird poetic lines.

Back at the house, Ashley gives a toast, and the guys go along with it, even though they are wondering what kind of weird dress she selected for tonight’s episode. Next week we get a helicopter, a mysterious return (gotta be Ryan M., trying to win her back after elimination on Date #2), and what may be a heartbreaking decline of the fantasy suite. And the week after, we’ll have Ashley’s weird family back! Will her brother create a painting of JP, Ben F, or Connie of them as Adam taking the forbidden fruit, as he did for Brad Womack last season? Only time will tell!

Until next week… XOXO.

Bachelorette Recap: "It's Not a Dress, It's a Long Shirt" and Other Lessons in Love, The Episode 7 Recap

2011-07-17T17:57:00.004-05:00

First off, I apologize for the delay in posting. I started writing this right away, but then some stuff came up, and I had to “take care of some business.” That’s what one of my coworkers at McDonald’s use to always say when he didn’t show up for work. He got fired. If this excuse doesn’t pass at McDonald’s, it’s probably not much good, but I don’t have a boss who can fire me. But I do apologize, because I know it’s nice to be able to read a write-up to assist making fun of the show sooner, rather than later!

If you’re anything like me, your world has been in tailspin since the week before’s lack of a Bachelorette episode, but now it’s Monday, the show is on, and all is right with the world (except for Ashley’s outfits of course!). This week, we’re headed to Taiwan. In case you didn’t know, it’s the per-fact place to fall in love. It’s also great for a new start, because every week is a new start from our man Bentley. (For once, I don’t think we heard his name mentioned this week, but we all know what’s on the forefront of Ashley’s mind.)

This week, of course, presents Ashley with a more important decision. No more toying around, because now she has to find someone with whom both the emotional and physical aspects are there. She’s looking for the whole package, because the men she gives roses to tonight will get “hometowns.” That’s lame Bachelor lingo for taking Ashley to their hometown to meet their family, or if they have an obscure job like being a mortician or sun worshipper, to get a taste of that part of their life too. But what man wouldn’t want to take our insecure, immature bachelorette home to meet mom and dad after a solid three weeks of dating?

Ashley welcomes us viewers to Taiwan. She tells us that it’s actually known as the “Hidden Jewel of Asia,” because not many people know about it. Since the producers told her this ten minutes ago when she arrived, however, it’s become one of her favorite countries.

Chris welcomes the guys to Taiwan, telling them that they can relax this week, because there will be no pressure on one-on-one dates, as there won’t be roses, but there will be a group date with a rose. He forgot to mention to Ryan del Sol that Ashley always reserves the right to send a man home whenever she pleases.

Right off the bat, JP sets the tone for this episode by showing us his jealous side. He does not want to share Ashley anymore, and doesn’t like the idea of her going on dates with other guys. Next time, JP, consider looking for love elsewhere than a reality dating game show where the woman is obligated to date other guys.

At the guys’s suite, the first date card arrives: “Constantine, Let Your Love Light Shine.” Is this some sort of weird reference similar to Lady Gaga’s “Disco Stick” song? Are they going to be burning stuff? Let’s hope so.

On the date, Ashley wears her signature too-tight jeans and super-high heels, as well as tonight’s first backless shirt, and they hop aboard a steam train. Ashley finds train rides generally to be quite romantic, because this one gives Constantine the opportunity to hold her hand and touch her leg. She’s right. Train rides where you can touch someone else’s leg are really romantic. On the red line last week, it was about 110 degrees in my car and the air conditioning wasn’t working in my car. I could hardly breath and was coated in a solid layer of sweat, but I could touch the guy sitting next to me’s leg. It was pretty romantic.

Ashley then asks Connie a question I have been known to ask all of my dates: “Are you looking for love on this trip?” It is always met with the guy excusing himself and never coming back. Fortunately for Ashley, Connie is on a train and he can’t leave. So he just lies and says he is looking for love.

They arrive in some town, and it occurs to me again, as it has several times before that this may be our first “helicopter free” season. We all recall from Brad’s season that Ashley is afraid of helicopters, so the producers are limited to having her walk around towns or take boat rides.

As they walk, Ashley continues to be annoying and Connie continues to be super-chill and laid back. Connie and Ashley are put the task of decorating a lantern with their “love wish,” as Ashley explains to Connie, and corrects him when he refers to it simply as a “wish.” She is impressed by Connie, as he must be serious about her because part of his love wish for them is “longevity.”

For those of us who were able to sit through the entire episode, in the closing clips we see that a dog comes by and pees on the love lantern. That may be foreshadowing on their love wish.

While Connie is making love wishes, the guys back at the suite are eager for another date card. “Ben F. Let’s Spend a Gorges Day Together.” How cryptic. If I didn’t have a graduate degree, I might not have figured out they’re going to a gorge on this date! Ben F is pumped. He plans to set the tone going into “hometowns,” so that he can show Ashley his backyard wine operation.

Back on the date, the Annoying Ashley and Chill Connie fest continues. I really couldn’t stand to listen to Connie pretend to be interested in Ashley over dinner, so I read a few articles on Bill Simmon’s blog (“Grantland”) in the Hollywood Prospectus section. He’s got some great stuff, including a Reality TV Fantasy League. If he ever needs someone to blog the Bachelorette, hopefully he knows who to call.

I tune back in just in time to see them launch their love wish lantern out over a scenic overlook. At the very time they release their lantern, hundreds of other lanterns are released by the ABC interns or possibly the child laborers of Taiwan. There’s no way ABC has that many interns, so they certainly outsourced for the low price of 4 cents an hour. It does create a cool effect—cool enough for Ashley to call it “per-FACT” twice.

Just when I was ready to call it quits with this trainwreck, we moved on to Ben F’s gorges date! Ben F, famous for his wine and mental kiss with Ashley, seems unenthusiastic. This must be because he had a tough loss at Wimbledon and hasn’t bounced back. Good thing there is no better way to bounce back than a moped ride with a mediocre-looking chick through the mountains (or the gorge, if you need to make a bad play on words).

Ben makes a Dumb and Dumber reference and they’re on their way. As they ride, Ashley demands that he keep his eyes on the road. He says that that will be tough with the precious cargo he has behind him. I gag, and know that this must be a line fed to him by the ABC Producers, and that it was fed to them by Ames.

Ben and Ashley proceed to a primitive suspension style bridge over a river. I’m half expecting Ben F to pull an Indiana Jones a la Temple of Doom and give them a bigger adventure by cutting the rope holding the suspension bridge. He does not, and the show continues to be boring.

Back at the house, the group date card comes: “Lucas, Ames, and JP: I’m Grooming You for the Big Day.” It doesn’t matter how lame this card is and the amazingly bad date it has in store. All this means is that Ryan del Sol is finally getting his 1-on-1 date. He says a prayer of thanks to the sun and dances around the room.

Back on the date, we move onto the dinner portion and Ashley’s next fashion disaster portion of the date. I phase out as Ben tells us he’s fallen in love with Ashley, but he can’t tell her yet. Ashley says that she thinks the wine tastes like the wine he brought her the first night. He clearly disagrees, but is nice about it. Finally, the dinner comes to an end, where Ashley reveals two very crucial things: (1) she is falling in love with Ben F and (2) she is wearing the ugliest black lace skirt that does not whatsoever match her bad in and of itself lime green top.

Back at the house the next day, we have our first Falcon Twist of the show: Ben has not arrived home. While JP is incredibly pissed when Ben gets back in the morning and trying to figure out how far Ben F got with Ashley, I’ve got bigger things on my mind. Ben F has returned wearing a seersucker sportcoat. There’s no way he owns one of these, so it’s only possible that he borrowed it from Ames, whose whereabouts are currently unknown.

Anyway, now it’s time for the Group Date. Brad Womack got a Sports Illustrated photo shoot where 2/3 of the girls took their tops off, and Ashley gets something comparable. Not. She gets a wedding photo shoot! She tells us that this will show her what it will be like to actually marry each guy, proving that she is not remotely ready for marriage.

Each guy will model a different wedding outfit and take pictures with Ashley. First, Lucas and Ashley do the “traditional Taiwanese” setup, where Lucas wears some weird Asian-looking shift dress. We don’t see much of Ames photo shoot, but we do see he’s wearing some 70s looking suit with sparkles on it. Finally, JP has his shoot, which is traditional American.

At dinner, Ashley wears what appears to be a modified version of her lime green fashion disaster from the night before. First, Lucas talks to her about how upset he was about his photo shoot. “I had to wear a dress!” he says. Ashley tells him to stop complaining, as it was not a dress, but a “long shirt.” Cut the crap, Ashley. It was a dress. At this point, we know Lucas will be sent home.

I get sidetracked on this disaster of a date, doze off for a few minutes, and tune back in to see whiny JP get the rose.

Finally, it’s time for Ryan del Sol’s date, and he is more excited than we are! Finally, he can sleep at night, and maybe even shave. Ashley, modeling what has to be her 4^th backless shirt of the episode, tells us she is excited about Ryan del Sol’s positivity, but that will change quickly.

Ryan makes our move that many of these folks who have probably never been on a real date before do, our Amateur Move: he tells Ashley that he had been losing sleep by not getting an actual date with her. He shouldn’t have revealed that until after they’re married. That’s a telltale sign that he’s psycho. Ryan del Sol falls into the category that I like to refer to as “wife hunters.” This is a rare breed—the man whose sole goal is to get married and will do it with any girl who likes him enough (and in Ryan’s case, also loves the sun).

As the date proceeds on, and Ryan del Sol talks more and more about being positive, he makes a quote from one of my favorite scenes of Happy Gilmore. Except he’s not kidding. “Harness in the good energy, block out the bad. Harness. Energy. Block Bad.” Ashley just continues to listen, and it’s clear how horribly this is going. Ryan however, gets excited that the sun came out and their date, and thinks it’s a sign.

Ryan asks Ashley where they’re going. “A picnic an ABC intern set up for us,” says Ashley. Ryan, because he’s Wife Hunting, cuts to the chase and asks his “dealbreaker” question: “Do you care about the environment?” Ashley does not care, so she gives an evasive answer. Ryan then starts discussing his views on water heaters, which I was interested in. This was one of few times that he came off as genuine and really passionate. He offered an educated argument for a good way to help conserve water, but we didn’t hear it because the show cut to Ashley talking about how she’s not that into him.

After he finishes his water heater discussion, Ashley says, “Well, I know Chris told you that you wouldn’t have to worry about a rose or being sent home on the 1-on-1 dates this week, but I’m sending you home.” Ryan gives his puppy dog answer, “You don’t want to meet my family?” Ashley responds, “You have a family? I thought we were just going to look at the sun for awhile.” Ryan, “Well, we’d do both.” Ashley’s unsure about her decision, but she’s going to send him home.

It is very sad to see Ryan del Sol acting so pathetic and crying about getting sent home by Ashley, but the thing about Wife Hunters is that they tend to bounce back quickly. He will soon have his sights set on a new woman/stalkee. The biggest mistake ABC could make would be to make this guy Bachelor. He will be incapable of courting 25 women at once because Wife Hunters operate by setting their sights on one woman at a time, and moving on quickly when they are rejected. The process on this show wouldn’t be conducive to his style.

Time for our most critical rose ceremony yet! Ashley tells Chris that she won’t need a rose party, as she already knows she’ll be eliminating Lucas that night. He never should have argued with her about whether that outfit was a dress or a long shirt. Chris tells her that’s good, because as he’s been advertising to us viewers all night, he’s got an interview with Emily to squeeze in.

At the rose ceremony, Ashley starts things off by saying, “So, first, I just wanted to let you know that I’m really glad that I’m totally over He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named… and I’m not talking about Lord Voldemort here. I’m excited to meet your families next week, except for the one of you who I will be eliminating tonight. Obviously, I’m not excited to meet your family.”

Of course, it was tough for Ashley to send Lucas home, but he takes it like a man. Ashley, of course, is whining and complaining about how she’s not cut out to be Bachelorette. “Next time they should have someone like Casey Anthony. She knows how to get the job done,” Ashley tells the cameras.

Now, it’s time for the long-awaited interview with Emily! Chris starts off with what may be the highlight of the episode: telling us viewers about the show’s exciting success rate. Hopefully he got a huge bonus for saying this with a straight face. “I’ve seen many [on this show] find their soul mates. Some have gotten married, and some have had children. And most have broken up within six weeks after the proposal! Heck, we’ve had some who didn’t even like anyone that we had compete for their love.” And now, we have a very un-informative interview with Emily confirming her break-up with Brad. Wearing an outfit put together from the leftovers of a Forever 21 clearance sale, Emily tells us her emotional story. Here’s a few highlights:

Emily: I thought the next time I was here, we’d be planning a wedding.

Chris: I probably could have predicted that wouldn’t be the case.

***

Chris: What happened? What went wrong? Aside from the fact that you met on this show.

Emily: You know, I, you know, I realized there were some red flags, you know. I doubted, you know, if he was still gonna want to be with me, and you know, we’re both used to being single, you know. As a single mom, I need to know the person I’m moving for is going to want to be with me, you know, six weeks down the road, and I, you know, didn’t have that reassurance.

That’s it. Not a whole lot of highlight moments. But it does look like next week, or TOMORROW, we have some drama to look forward to on the “hometowns.” So, until tomorrow night, as we get closer and closer to The Decision, XOXO.